As many of you know, I am a member of an Incompetent Cervix Support Group. In the past few months, we have had a lot of BFPs and pregnancies that are going great with the help of a cerclage. However, we have also had 4 more losses (2 related to a failed cerclage, 1 an infant death, and another due to infection), and a few ladies who are struggling to hold on to hope. My heart grieves and even though I know everyone is different, I can't help but wonder if I will be one of the unlucky few. I know in my heart that if I trust God and be proactive, my outcome will be different, but the worry is always there.
Some of the things I worry about are change in cervical length, funneling, pre-term labor, hospital bedrest and another loss. I don't think I would ever be able to endure another loss. Though my worries are unfounded they are there none the less.
Every time another member experiences a loss, I go through their history to see what and if there are any similarities in their backgrounds and mine. I know, I am a little paranoid, but I cannot help it. I am a healthy 25 year old, I have never had an abortion, D&C, cone biopsy, leep procedure or any procedure other than a pap smear. My entire sexual history has only been wih my husband, so how weak can my cervix be????????
I have become a fear-filled, paranoid, hypochondriac. Every time the fear rises to the surface, I find myself reciting the scripture that says " for God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind"; It also does not help that it is the summer and my mind is going a mile a minute. During the days, I find myself searching the scriptures asking God to give me peace. The latest one I found was - Philippians 4:7 - And the peace of the Lord which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Jesus Christ.
I know I should not doubt God as he promised me that he will keep me in perfect peace as long as my mind is stayed on him, but every time I hear bad news, the doubt and fear surfaces. I have tried staying away from the forum but I seem to be addicted!
Am I crazy???? Is there anyone that can ease my mind???? I have heard the success stories and they give me hope, but the few that fail makes me quiver in fear. HELP save my sanity!!!!
Awaiting my expected end.