Friday, January 30, 2009

I must give thanks

George Bernard Shaw wrote, "There is no love sincerer than the love of God". This is a profound statement that I had to meditate on last night. Through all my trials (and I have been through many), I must remember that God knows and sees all, but most of all, he loves me unconditionally. Each trial only makes me stronger. I have learnt so much and have grown so much closer to my hubby and family, and even though I would have chosen for this to not have happen, I am comforted by his love.
I consider all that I have been through just part of the battle scars. If he laid on that cross and died for me, and endured all he did, I sure can endure and pull through this. He is the ultimate example of self-less love.

Okay onto what I really want to say. Yesterday started out really good, I felt confident that we would conceive in the coming weeks, but I had a minor emotional set back. I always felt (and told myself often), that I am ok. Two ladies who just had their babies came by work to show them off and I lost it. Not because I am not happy for them, but for the fact that I wish that could have been me. Again, I had to remind myself that my plans are not God's plans and he has something greater in store for me. Who knows? Maybe he will give me double for my trouble. 
I have realized that it is ok to get emotional at times. I am truly happy that AJ did not suffer and is now resting in the arms of God and I truly miss her and hope to see her again. Many women who have lost their children years ago, still get emotional after all this time. I am grieving and will still grieve.

I told my hubby though, that I don't want to cry. I want to think of her and smile because she was here with us, even though it was short. I want to hear her name and smile, I want to smell her blanket and smile, I want to remember her face and smile.  She truly was a blessing to us and was a representation of our love and God's love. We will never know the reason why he took her away from us, but we must trust and believe that he knows best.

Today is 3 dpo.  I have three more days to see if I have implantation bleeding, but I have discovered over the years that when you really want something, it seems to stay away. So we shall see.

Awaiting my expected end.

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