I Love You to the Moon and Back....

My dearest Evan,

Happy birthday my darling. I cannot believe that its been two years since you have left my arms. My heart aches just as much today as it did it year ago. I miss you so much my darling. I look forward to the day that I can hold you again. Thank you so much for helping to bring your bother safely here. Thank you for teaching me how to love more and to cherish every single day.
I love you to the moon and back my love..... I miss you so very much.

Love,
Mommy

Where I am Today

On July 24th, 2010, I wrote this post. I was thankfully feeling a lot better when I wrote that post. This year I am just angry. Angry at the drs., angry at life's circumstances. I am also asking why? Why me? Why us? Even though I know I will never get an answer, I am still asking in a defiant voice.

I am saddened that Spencer will only hear about his brother and sister. I am saddened that all he will have are pictures. I keep thinking I should have 3 children here to love and hold, but I have 2 in my heart and one in my arms. I long to hold them, to smell them, to hear their voices. I often wonder who they would be like. Me? Their dad? Would they be feisty? Would they be shy? I do know one thing. They would be loved oh so very much.

This day 2 years ago was horrible. The dr didn't take me seriously. Who knows how it could have turned out? If only she had listened! Today was the last time I felt my son move. The last time I would have a link to him. The last time he would hear my voice. The last time my heart would be whole.

I love and miss you my son. I love you to the moon and back........

Grieving the journey to my expected end,
Marie

27

I turn 27 today and all I can remember is that two years ago I spent my birthday in the hospital, eating nasty hospital food. This day has changed for me. It is no longer a celebratory day but a reminder of what happened to my precious first born son. On this day I had hope if only for a short while 2 years ago.

Today I will spend my birthday not trying to forget, but to just get through the day without breaking down. Even though my rainbow is here, the ache has not gone away, the pain has not gone away, the memory has not gone away. I must admit, he helps to lessen the pain, but boy it still hurts. It hurts even more that the milestones I am experiencing with him, I never got to experience with Alyssa-Joy and Evan. I miss them so very much and I know I always will. I look forward to the day when I ca hold them in my arms. When I will see them whole again. When I can tell them I love them. When I can say I am sorry for failing them. When I can say "mommy is here to stay:.

So today won't be spend celebrating another year older. Today will be spent anguishing that their face, smell, touch is slowly fading from my senses, but realizing I am one more year closer to meeting them again.

I love you so very much my sweethearts. Floaty kisses..............

Grieving the journey to my expected end,
Marie

Flashbacks

I wrote this post this time last year. The feelings are still the same. July 21st still brings the same trepidation. I still woke up with a pounding heart as my mind returns to that day. I can vividly see the exam room, the look on the ultrasound tech's face, the look on the MFM's face. I can clearly hear those words; "the stitch is failing". I knew then that it was over. My husband pleaded with me to be positive.

I remember the drive to the hospital, how hysterical I was. I remember the dr. coming in and being absolutely horrible.....no compassion....no hope. I remember being wheeled in the operating room. I remember not being administered any antibiotics. I remember how quickly she did the "repair". I remember in a panic telling the nurse, "she (the dr) didn't mention antibiotics. The dr. wants me on antibiotics"! I remember her rushing to find the dr. to get permission to fulfill my drs. orders.

I remember being wheeled to the room crying all the way there. I remember passing a door with a purple card with a tear drop on a leaf and thinking "will that be me again"? But somehow despite those fears, there was a glimmer of hope in my heart. Little did I know that the flickering hope would soon be extinguished.

Will these flashbacks every go away?

Grieving the journey to out expected end,
Marie