Tuesday, February 24, 2009

2 ww- God is still faithful

I can't complain. I have so much to thank God for. I have a wonderful husband and best friend. The Lord knew best when he fashioned me for him and him for me. He is an awesome man of God, a true friend, and wonderful father. On Sunday morning, I awoke to hear this man of God praying. The one thing that struck me was...."Lord as we commune with out daughter in spirit, we thank you for her. We miss you honey....." I fell in love over again. Many women I have spoken to, have husbands who want them to just move on and forget the baby they have lost. Mine wants to help me preserve her memory. She was a creation of us, and thought we will never understand the mind of God, we can only trust him and have faith that he knows best, and will never withhold anything good from his people.

I awoke this morning at peace. If the Lord sees fit to not bless us this month then that is okay with me. I know that he knows best, and I am giving it up all. It is in his hands and he alone holds the future in his hands. I can't not say that the human side of me would not like to feel a little one inside of me, but God is still in control.
Last month I cried when AF came. This month, I am trying to appreciate what I have and not what I should have. This is my prayer for today:
Lord, teach me how to wait.
Teach me that it is your will and not mine.
Teach me to leave my heart open so that you can fill it with love overflowing.
Teach me to accept the things that to me seem impossible, and remind me that you can make all things possible.
Lord have your way in our lives. We thank you for the daughter you blessed us with. Though she was not with us long, her death brought us closer together.
Lord, you have also taught us how strong we are. We have had a year of troubles  - cancer scares, hospitalizations, and finally the loss of a child.
Your word reminds us daily, that "they that wait upon the Lord, he shall renew our strength, we shall mount up with wings as eagles, we shall run and not be weary, we shall walk and not faint", finally lord, teach us how to wait.

Awaiting my expected end.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Great is Thy Faithfulness

I am always amazed at the glory and mercy of God. Just when you are feeling down, he sends a word that calms and soothes your spirit. Dh and I were talking about an awful situation that happened to a coworker and her children. He mentioned that though times were hard, the mad did not have to take his own life. He said that every morning is a new day. His mercies are NEW every morning. When something bad happens, he does not leave you and his grace does not stop. His mercies are new every morning. When you have a bad day and you say Lord why me? His mercies will be renewed the next morning. It is such a powerful statement and because we are so used to saying it, we rarely reflect on it. Though we lost our baby, we still have new mercies, and as his scripture says, he will not withhold anything good from us. Yes, His mercy ran out for a day, but a new day is coming, and his mercies are renewed.

Great is Thy faithfulness. Morning by Morning NEW mercies I see. All I have needed his hands have provided. Lord I thank you for new mercies, grace and faithfulness. When we are alone and feel as if the world is against us, you remind us of your NEW mercies.

Awaiting my expected end.

Friday, February 13, 2009

My Sweet Angel

I realize I have never really told my story. I have been quite open with it and re-live it everyday. I have come to the realization that I am strong and the Lord Almighty really will not put more on me that an I can bear. I try my best to smile now whenever I think of my sweet angel.

August 22
I followed my friend who was 8 months pregnant to buy the furnishings for her soon to be baby girl. While we were cruising aisles, I mentioned to her that I seemed to have a hard time sleeping on my stomach lately. I remarked that I could be getting a bug or it could be something worse but for now I was not concerned. She laughed and said "or you could be pregnant". For some reason she convinced me to buy a pregnancy test and I chose the cheapest one, convinced that it would be a negative. After all I had not been off the pill that long.
I got home and after debating, I took the test. It immediately showed two lines. I panicked. I called my big sis who convinced me to go to Walgreens and purchase another one. I bought four. They all said positive. I called my hubby who was at work and told him the news. He was ecstatic, I was nervous. After all, what did I know about being   a mom? Sure being a teacher,  am around kids everyday, but at the end of the day they go home to their parents. I started thinking about our small home, cars, money etc. By the end of the night my panic gave way to happiness.

Monday August 25th
I called my doc that morning and asked if I could come in for a pregnancy test. I arrived at his office at 3:15pm. I peed in the tiny cup and brought it out to the nurse. It was an immediate positive. We were so excited when they did an ultrasound to make sure "everything was in the right place". After drinking loads of water, we saw a little bean with the little heart beating away. We were 6 weeks exactly.

Weeks 7 - 18
Everything was going great, I had slight bleeding when my period was supposed to some, but that went away after a few minutes. I was so nervous the first trimester as they said it was the hardest. I had no morning sickness, just slight sore boobs. After our 15 week appointment, the doc moved up the next appointment to 18 weeks that we could see the sex of the baby.
That day my sis, dh and I were excited. My sister wanted a boy, dh wanted a girl, I was on the fence. When the nurse said, "its a Girl"! we all screamed with excitement. We could clearly see 3 lines. The first people we told were my parents and our closest friends. We were happy with what we were blessed with.

November 27 - thanksgiving
On and off I would have vaginal pressure, but that usually went away after walking (normal pregnancy symptoms). I had dinner at my parents house as dh had to work. After dinner, my sisters and I went to the fair. Being pregnant, we were able to park at the front (one of the perks of being pregnant). I did not go on any of the rides and sat down as much as I could.

November 28
I was in charge of a conference at church. I sat down at the registration table mostly. That night in church, I felt lots of pressure and had a slight cramp in my side. When I got home, I noticed that I had bright red blood in my underwear. I panicked, laid on the couch and called the doctor. He said that he would be on call in the morning so we could wait until then or go to labour and deliver that night. Dh opted for l&d that night. My sis and stepmom met us there. We waited in the waiting room for a good 35 minutes before being seen. During this time, I filed up a pad. I was devastated. I remember telling my sister that it's done, there's too much blood. She kept saying, "no marie, its fine. It could have been a twin". I kept saying " I hope so".
I was finally brought in to triage alone, iv inserted etc, and after screaming for dh to come, they let him in. The nurse who did the sonogram said heartbeat looks good at 135 bpm. I was relieved but concerned, it was usually 168bpm. After searching and typing, I asked her, "is everything ok"? She said, "I am not the doctor maam". The doctor on call (Idiot) then came in and said the bay's dead - there's nothing we can do, the baby was sick". The  nurse immediately said, "No. There is a heartbeat". He then said it is inevitable, I am going to lose the baby. I was numb! They called my stepmom to come in and they told her. She said, " it's God's will". The called my doc, gave him a status and wheeled me in the bed over to the phone. He told me about the cervix, what happened and said that a cerclage could not be done as it would cause infection. It was too late. I would be admitted and would have to be induced and would deliver.
He apologized and asked if I understood. I numbly said yes. Meanwhile the idiot (doc on call) kept asking my step-mom if I understood.

I did not cry until they changed my clothing. I wailed. I could not believe all my hopes and dreams were dashed. I could not believe that my body betrayed me. I could not believe I would not have my baby in my stomach to hold and love.
I was induced with a pill inserted vaginally. Labour was a bitch. It was the worst pain I had ever experienced. I asked so many questions, they had to call someone to specifically answer my questions. They gave me drugs to help dull my senses but it did not help the pain. After pushing a couple times, and the nurse sticking her hand in me, nothing happened. I kept asking, "how do I know if I am doing it right'? She said you are, I feel the baby moving down. After pushing again we stopped for a while. I screamed that I wanted my daddy. He came 15 minutes later, he must have sped.
Around 5:45 am, I told them to call the nurse, I felt I had to push. One more push and she was out. I said, "I don't want to see her!" Everything came out, the sac and placenta - she was still in the sac. She was 19 weeks, 5 days.  They took her out to dress her. The nurse was supposed to change shifts and she stayed with me until I delivered. I then passed out. I woke up in a fog and my doc was there pressing on my stomach and checking my  cervix. In my fog, he told me what happened and that the next time, he will not let it happen again. I have a weak cervix, plain and simple.  A classic case with painless dilation.

I woke up around 7:00 to see my friend and my sister and dh. I saw them and immediately broke down. I asked "why me? What did I do wrong?, Why did she have to die?"
My friend convinced me to see the baby and I am glad I did. She was beautiful. She looked just like her daddy but had my hands. She was so tiny. I could not believe how tiny she was. It was then that dh broke down and cried. My one regret is not holding her. My Pastor came and offered up blessing. We named her Alyssa-Joy Katherine W. After my mom (Joy) and dh's grandmother (Katherine). She was our first and we loved her. They took her body after an hour to pathology and we never saw her again. All we have today is a memory box with her hand and foot prints, the blanket she was wrapped in, cards from the nurses and a picture the nurse took.
I have no idea how long she lived and I am told she did not suffer.

There are days I still cry. There are night I wake up and rub my belly and realize she is no longer there. Every Monday I say to myself, I should be this many weeks pregnant today. Seeing my AP's pregnancy at work makes it harder as she was a week ahead of me. As her baby shower draws near, I find myself not wanting to be around, not because I envy her, but because I am reminded that it could have been me. 

As my due date draws close, I find myself getting more and more depressed and I wonder how I will cope. I know that the lord will keep me and draw me close. I must remember that he is still God and knows best. Dh said to me, we can never understand the mind of God, and I truly don't, but I know that without him, I would be lost.
Daily I am reminded to be still and know that he is God. He blessed us with her and he will bless us again. I must be patient and know my time is not his. I now worry about everything! Every twinge I feel, I think it is fatal. I worry about the next baby and I am not even pregnant. I worry about still births, placenta abruption, cord accidents, etc. I do not mean to, and I will have to trust God, but after such a traumatic loss, it is part of the territory.

After letting her go, I heard the voice of God. He reassured me that he will carry me next time and he has blessed me with a great doctor. I thank him everyday that I still have life and had no complications after birth. I thank him for a perfect baby who knew no sin. As the Bible says, If we suffer like christ, then we will be without sin. He gave the ultimate - his son, I must give him the ultimate - my trust.

Awaiting my expected end.

Monday, February 9, 2009


Oh my goodness. After testing on Saturday and getting a positive, I re-tested on Sunday using another test (First Response) an got a Big Fat Negative! My hubby came in and saw the test and I just cried. I felt horrible. I am also glad that I did not get my hopes up too much. To top it off AF showed yesterday afternoon - 2 days early!

I feel like such a failure. The bible says to be fruitful and multiply and I can't even do that. After breaking down last night, I realized the lord is just adequetely preparing my body for the next baby. Dh says it makes his heart hurt to see me like this, but I can't help it. The human side of me feels terrible.
Oh well on to tracking and trying again. This screws up summer for me. If I do get preggo, then I may not be able to return the new school year.
Wish me luck.

Awaiting my expected end.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

New worries

Okay. How possible is the appearance of an evaporation line on a test? This is why I hate POAS (peeing on a stick)! Today is CD 26. The calendar I am following says the best day to test is Monday or Tuesday Morning (the day AF is due). I bought a Clear Blue test on Friday and hid it in the drawer. The plan was to test on Monday or simply wait until AF shows her ugly face. I do not get any pregnancy symptoms and did not get any over the past few days, only what I thought to be implantation pain (but being the pessimist that I am, I chalked it up to something else). So I took the test, waited 3 minutes and got the faintest line. The line was there and I even woke my dh just to make usre I was not paranoid. He said he saw the same thing. I refuse to get excited until Tuesday. I am now worried that the test is defective, it could be a chemical pregnancy or an evaporation line. AGHHHHHHHHHHH! I hate the waiting.

I have not told anyone but two of my friends from hobh and my hubby. If this turns out to be positve, I will be extremely happy, but for some reason I keep expecting the worse to happen. I am going to let go and just let GOD. I am going to stay away from google, and just meditate and trust him to carry us through. If we are preggo, OMG! It happened quick - this was our first time after our loss. We expected it to take longer. This just reaffirms God's love for us and that he really does not withhold anything good from is people.

If I am preggo, I am approximately 3 weeks, 4 days. I am feeling mild cramping in my left side, and am ready to think the worst. My new worries are -
1. This could be a chemical pregnancy
2. The test could be defective
3. The line could have been an evaporation line (af is not due til Tuesday)
4. If I am, I have to wait until 6 weeks to see the heartbeat
5. I am worried about my cervix
6. I am worried about getting he cerclage
7. I am worried I will be on bedrest
8. I am worried it could be eptopic
9. I am worried about a m/c
10. I am worried about the first and now second trimester

I know, as usual I am getting waaaayyyy ahead of myself. On the other hand If I am not preggo, I will be disappointed, but can keep trying. I am comforted by the fact that I can get pregnant as many women have a hard time, and I know if it happened once, it can happen again.
The new plan now is to test again tomorrow morning, Monday Morning, and take digital test Tuesday Morning. Now when should I make the appotintment? Should I make one right away? or should I make one for week 6? I am just so unsure and nervous about everything!
Again, I keep thinking the worst will happen, and have to make myself believe that God is in control and will kep us in perfect peace as long as our mind stays on him. I will keep u posted.

Awaiting my expected end (hoping it is already here).

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Face Book

Oh my goodness! Facebook is an epidemic! Let me first say that if you do not want anyone to know your bsiness, DO NOT POST it on facebook. I have been tracking my CD days and the remainder left over. For example; CD 22, 3 more days to go. Simple. No details. An associate said "ok. is this for AA or something?lol." Okay, I took no offense to that.
My SIL said, "OMG! I wondered about that last night too. Are u trying for a baby or something?" Maybe it's just me, but I took offense to this. I deleted their comments, aad left a snide remark. Knowing how sensitive this matter is, I did not think SIL should have made such a comment, especially for all the world to see. Even if she had no clue (and she doesn't) that comment should have never bee made. I agree, I was probably a bit harsh in the 2 responses that I made, but as usual I jump before I think.

Well today is CD 22. 3 more days until I can test. I am sooooooooooo nervous! I really want this, but I can't help but be nervous. I had some mild cramping that I hope is implantation pain, and I really thick discharge (I never ever get discharge). I am hoping this is a good sign. The weird thing is, I am already practicing. I practice how to sleep, how to do stuff laying down, walking up the stairs to my condo, etc. I really do not anticipate any changes (here I go getting ahead of myself again) until week 19, which is the second to last week of school. I am hoping I can work until then, but if not, no problem. I am willing to do whatever it takes to bring a baby into tis world.
I am actually on edge these last few days and am chickening out until testing. I planned to test in 12 days just to be safe, but will probably break down and POAS before that. Lol.

I now have a new set of worries apart from the nervousness of the first trimester and getting the stitch itself. It is telling my family. I am soooo nervous. If I wait, they may be upset I did not tell them. If I tell them, they will worry. I told dh that I will tell them the week before getting the cerclage, but he says that would not be fair to them. I will probably go ahead and tell them then anyway. I will suffer later. LOL.

Church on Sunday was awesome! AWESOME!!! Sorry, had to scream it out. I have so much hope after this service. The visiting pastor did a great job and the glory of God could be felt. God will not withhold anything good from his people, and I am no different. After his message, I remembered what a visiting pastor has said to me last year when I just found out I was pregnant. She kept saying hold the faith, everything will be alright and he knows. I am starting to think that she could foresee what would happen or knew something was going to happen. I never really thought much about it, but now I wonder if this was the storm she was talking about? If it is, i can truly say I have risen above my circumstances. Every time I start to think "why me?' I stop and thank God for his many blessings. I have a great job, hubby, and family. Everything else will fall into place. As I close, I remember the scripture, " seek ye first the kingdom of God and his rightousness, and all these things shall be added unto you".

Awaiting my expected end. (I hope it comes soon)