Friday, February 13, 2009

My Sweet Angel

I realize I have never really told my story. I have been quite open with it and re-live it everyday. I have come to the realization that I am strong and the Lord Almighty really will not put more on me that an I can bear. I try my best to smile now whenever I think of my sweet angel.

August 22
I followed my friend who was 8 months pregnant to buy the furnishings for her soon to be baby girl. While we were cruising aisles, I mentioned to her that I seemed to have a hard time sleeping on my stomach lately. I remarked that I could be getting a bug or it could be something worse but for now I was not concerned. She laughed and said "or you could be pregnant". For some reason she convinced me to buy a pregnancy test and I chose the cheapest one, convinced that it would be a negative. After all I had not been off the pill that long.
I got home and after debating, I took the test. It immediately showed two lines. I panicked. I called my big sis who convinced me to go to Walgreens and purchase another one. I bought four. They all said positive. I called my hubby who was at work and told him the news. He was ecstatic, I was nervous. After all, what did I know about being   a mom? Sure being a teacher,  am around kids everyday, but at the end of the day they go home to their parents. I started thinking about our small home, cars, money etc. By the end of the night my panic gave way to happiness.

Monday August 25th
I called my doc that morning and asked if I could come in for a pregnancy test. I arrived at his office at 3:15pm. I peed in the tiny cup and brought it out to the nurse. It was an immediate positive. We were so excited when they did an ultrasound to make sure "everything was in the right place". After drinking loads of water, we saw a little bean with the little heart beating away. We were 6 weeks exactly.

Weeks 7 - 18
Everything was going great, I had slight bleeding when my period was supposed to some, but that went away after a few minutes. I was so nervous the first trimester as they said it was the hardest. I had no morning sickness, just slight sore boobs. After our 15 week appointment, the doc moved up the next appointment to 18 weeks that we could see the sex of the baby.
That day my sis, dh and I were excited. My sister wanted a boy, dh wanted a girl, I was on the fence. When the nurse said, "its a Girl"! we all screamed with excitement. We could clearly see 3 lines. The first people we told were my parents and our closest friends. We were happy with what we were blessed with.

November 27 - thanksgiving
On and off I would have vaginal pressure, but that usually went away after walking (normal pregnancy symptoms). I had dinner at my parents house as dh had to work. After dinner, my sisters and I went to the fair. Being pregnant, we were able to park at the front (one of the perks of being pregnant). I did not go on any of the rides and sat down as much as I could.

November 28
I was in charge of a conference at church. I sat down at the registration table mostly. That night in church, I felt lots of pressure and had a slight cramp in my side. When I got home, I noticed that I had bright red blood in my underwear. I panicked, laid on the couch and called the doctor. He said that he would be on call in the morning so we could wait until then or go to labour and deliver that night. Dh opted for l&d that night. My sis and stepmom met us there. We waited in the waiting room for a good 35 minutes before being seen. During this time, I filed up a pad. I was devastated. I remember telling my sister that it's done, there's too much blood. She kept saying, "no marie, its fine. It could have been a twin". I kept saying " I hope so".
I was finally brought in to triage alone, iv inserted etc, and after screaming for dh to come, they let him in. The nurse who did the sonogram said heartbeat looks good at 135 bpm. I was relieved but concerned, it was usually 168bpm. After searching and typing, I asked her, "is everything ok"? She said, "I am not the doctor maam". The doctor on call (Idiot) then came in and said the bay's dead - there's nothing we can do, the baby was sick". The  nurse immediately said, "No. There is a heartbeat". He then said it is inevitable, I am going to lose the baby. I was numb! They called my stepmom to come in and they told her. She said, " it's God's will". The called my doc, gave him a status and wheeled me in the bed over to the phone. He told me about the cervix, what happened and said that a cerclage could not be done as it would cause infection. It was too late. I would be admitted and would have to be induced and would deliver.
He apologized and asked if I understood. I numbly said yes. Meanwhile the idiot (doc on call) kept asking my step-mom if I understood.

I did not cry until they changed my clothing. I wailed. I could not believe all my hopes and dreams were dashed. I could not believe that my body betrayed me. I could not believe I would not have my baby in my stomach to hold and love.
I was induced with a pill inserted vaginally. Labour was a bitch. It was the worst pain I had ever experienced. I asked so many questions, they had to call someone to specifically answer my questions. They gave me drugs to help dull my senses but it did not help the pain. After pushing a couple times, and the nurse sticking her hand in me, nothing happened. I kept asking, "how do I know if I am doing it right'? She said you are, I feel the baby moving down. After pushing again we stopped for a while. I screamed that I wanted my daddy. He came 15 minutes later, he must have sped.
Around 5:45 am, I told them to call the nurse, I felt I had to push. One more push and she was out. I said, "I don't want to see her!" Everything came out, the sac and placenta - she was still in the sac. She was 19 weeks, 5 days.  They took her out to dress her. The nurse was supposed to change shifts and she stayed with me until I delivered. I then passed out. I woke up in a fog and my doc was there pressing on my stomach and checking my  cervix. In my fog, he told me what happened and that the next time, he will not let it happen again. I have a weak cervix, plain and simple.  A classic case with painless dilation.

I woke up around 7:00 to see my friend and my sister and dh. I saw them and immediately broke down. I asked "why me? What did I do wrong?, Why did she have to die?"
My friend convinced me to see the baby and I am glad I did. She was beautiful. She looked just like her daddy but had my hands. She was so tiny. I could not believe how tiny she was. It was then that dh broke down and cried. My one regret is not holding her. My Pastor came and offered up blessing. We named her Alyssa-Joy Katherine W. After my mom (Joy) and dh's grandmother (Katherine). She was our first and we loved her. They took her body after an hour to pathology and we never saw her again. All we have today is a memory box with her hand and foot prints, the blanket she was wrapped in, cards from the nurses and a picture the nurse took.
I have no idea how long she lived and I am told she did not suffer.

There are days I still cry. There are night I wake up and rub my belly and realize she is no longer there. Every Monday I say to myself, I should be this many weeks pregnant today. Seeing my AP's pregnancy at work makes it harder as she was a week ahead of me. As her baby shower draws near, I find myself not wanting to be around, not because I envy her, but because I am reminded that it could have been me. 

As my due date draws close, I find myself getting more and more depressed and I wonder how I will cope. I know that the lord will keep me and draw me close. I must remember that he is still God and knows best. Dh said to me, we can never understand the mind of God, and I truly don't, but I know that without him, I would be lost.
Daily I am reminded to be still and know that he is God. He blessed us with her and he will bless us again. I must be patient and know my time is not his. I now worry about everything! Every twinge I feel, I think it is fatal. I worry about the next baby and I am not even pregnant. I worry about still births, placenta abruption, cord accidents, etc. I do not mean to, and I will have to trust God, but after such a traumatic loss, it is part of the territory.

After letting her go, I heard the voice of God. He reassured me that he will carry me next time and he has blessed me with a great doctor. I thank him everyday that I still have life and had no complications after birth. I thank him for a perfect baby who knew no sin. As the Bible says, If we suffer like christ, then we will be without sin. He gave the ultimate - his son, I must give him the ultimate - my trust.

Awaiting my expected end.

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