Unfulfilled

Thank you all so much for those kind comments on the previous post. Truthfully, I feel ashamed for having those early feelings. I simply had to put aside my bitterness because this couple was hurting. I thought to myself, I only wish I had someone who could help me after losing Alyssa-Joy.

I also feel guilty. I cannot even put it into words. I know its irrational, but I feel as if I should have been there for her before. Maybe let her know signs to look for and so on. I know, I know its irrational thinking but I feel helpless in a sense. I plan on visiting her tomorrow after work because I know that everyone will have gone back to their own lives, and its when everyone leaves that it really hits you.

Please continue to keep them in your prayers as there is a memorial for baby Londyn this afternoon.

Today is also a sad day for me. April 20th was Alyssa-Joy's due date. I know she probably would have come early, but I cant help thinking that if all had gone well, my princess would have been celebrating her 1st birthday. I dislike having to celebrate two days - the day that should have been and the day that was - and to experience it twice? -heartrending.

It doe not help that today is Londyn's going home celebration, I now have twice the heartache. I wrote this post last year, and a year later, the sentiments still ring true.

Please keep me in your prayers as I experience all the emotions that plague me on AJ's unfulfilled due date.

To my princess,

My heart still hurts today as it did the day you made your appearance. I apologize to you everyday that my body failed you. I think today of how big you would be, how spoiled you would be, how beautiful you would be. How blessed we would be to have had you in our lives. But today, we celebrate not a first birthday, but we mourn that we never got to experience this day with you.

Though everyday gets a little easier to live without you, there is still that ache in the pit of our stomachs. As the days pass, we get a get closer to seeing you again and our heart fills with hope. I turn every time I hear your name, expecting to turn around and see you there. Baby girl, we love you so much and we carry you in our hearts always. Take care of your little brother for us, and give him the kisses and hugs mommy and daddy can only give from afar. Always in our minds, hearts, and spirit.

We love you baby girl,

Mommy and Daddy

I Peter 5:6

Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time.

Awaiting my expected end.