Monday, April 12, 2010


Ladies, thank you so much for your well wishes, kind thoughts, and prayers - it does my heart good. I do not have to tell you all how bumpy the road to getting a TAC done was, as you were all with me every step of the way. My only prayer now is that nothing else pops up between now and April 27th.
I am nervous, but elated. I remarked to someone today that my fear of losing another child far outweighs the fear of the surgery. You all know my pain tolerance is verrryyyyy looowww so please keep me in your prayers :-).

I "met" another mom today and my heart aches. I dislike hearing that another has walked this road. I am rejoicing in the fact though that she is getting the TAC and will be on her way to getting her expected end! Please pray for her - she recently lost a beautiful little girl and just celebrated her sons 1st angelversary. May his peace be with her and her family.

I am now thinking of the TAC as an anchor. Remember the song by Ray Boltz? The one that talks about the anchor holding?
The anchor holds
Though the ship is battered
The anchor holds
Though the sails are torn
I have fallen on my knees
As I faced the raging seas
The anchor holds
In spite of the storm

Thats going to be my TAC. The Lord is going to be the anchor that keeps my cervix closed. My heart and cervix is bruised, and I know I am going to be a nervous wreck during the next pregnancy, but as long as God is holding that anchor, I will trust and believe.

I have been a bad blogger :-y. I have been so busy with studying for that darn test, fulfilling all my extra duties at work, among others, that I barely have time to blog as much as I want to. That is changing in the next few days though. Two supplemental positions at work are coming to an end (I can finally leave work at 3:00pm instead of 5:00pm!) and I will be able to blog more. Lots of things have been happening.

I have been meditating lately and evaluating how I am coping and after searching my heart, the same word keeps coming to the forefront of my mind : RESTORATION. Don't get me wrong, I am still grieving the loss of Alyssa-Joy and Evan and probably will always grieve. But I think I am at a stage where I can truly say I am no longer angry. My heart is no longer bitter. Yes, at times I still question, but I know he is restoring my soul. I think of AJ and Evan and my heart swells with love and heartache. It aches that they will never experience this life with me. It aches that never got to love on them daily, but my heart swells with love. The love that carried them in my womb, my soul, my heart, my arms. The love that has no limit, no boundaries, no end.

With the TAC scheduled, I feel as if things are finally falling into place. Yes, having another child and birthing him or her may not fit the "norm", but it is still God's way of reminding me that he is still in control, and is still thinking of me. He orchestrated everything - from the denial with Dr.D, the fall out with Dr. C, and now finding 3 Dr.'s willing to help us.
I cannot give up hope, and in the instances that I felt like giving up, a window opened. Whether it was a comment, a blog post, a status update, a text, a phone call, an email....., a window always opened.

Joel 2:25 states that: And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten, the cankerworm, and the caterpiller, and the palmerworm, my great army which I sent among you.
He is getting ready to restore all that was taken away. It may not be the way that I expect or want, but it is whatever that aligns with his will.
If you had told me 5 years ago that I would be this Marie, I would have laughed in your face. As much as I would turn back the hands of time and go back to the naive Marie, walking this road has taught me about greater love, unconditional love, inner strength, the bond of friendships, inner peace, and compassion.
He is working on restoring my soul and the years that was taken from me. I eagerly welcome the restoration and pray that you all follow this journey with me as Christ gets ready to transform my life and make me a living witness that that he really does know the thoughts he thinks towards us, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give us an expected end.

Psalm 51:12 - Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation

Psalm 23:3 - He restoreth my soul

Job 20:18 - That which he laboured for shall he restore

Job 20:10 - and his hands shall restore their goods

I Kings 20:34 - I will restore

Exodus 22:4 - he shall restore double

Deuteronomy 22:2 - and thou shalt restore it to him again

Judges 22:3 - I will restore it unto thee

Ruth 4:15 - And he shall be unto thee a restorer of thy life

I Samuel - 12:3 and I will restore it you

II Samuel - 12: 6 And he shall restore the lamb fourfold

Awaiting my expected end.


  1. It blesses me to know that you feel things are finally going the right direction and you are no longer in the anger stage of grief. My prayers are with you as you continue this path. *hugs*

  2. Praying for you. Could you please email me?

  3. Your words leave me speechless, your love and strength are amazing. I am so anxious and excited being a witness to your journey. My heart and prayers will be with you on April 27th.

    Love always,

  4. I don't think we ever picture ourselves on this road, that's for sure! But despite the heartache, I have found it's brought me a lot.

    I am hoping things stay good for the TAC at the end of April!

  5. Praying for all good things....I won't forget the date...its my MIL's bday. *hugs* Prayers coming your way. This road is sometimes such a long road and I just wish none of us had to walk down it.

  6. Marie,
    It sounds like you have found peace of mind...which I think is such an important part of this journey!

    Best of luck on your test. Will you still teach ESE next year? Or will they shift your position if you pass the test?

    Thinking of you!

  7. Praying for you as always! God is forever faithful!

  8. The words to that song are sooo true! I can relate to God alone being the anchor. This post was so encouraging. Thanks for sharing the message of restoration! I too, am excited for you and I rejoice with you for your expected end, which will be full of new beginnings! :0)