3 days Post Op and TAC Story

Psalm 147:13 - For he hath strengthened the bars of thy gates; he hath blessed thy children within thee.

I must say, I am one happy lady! 3 days after the surgery I am happy as can be. The pain.... well thats another story. As long as I take my pain meds and walk around as much as possible, I am ok.

I woke up Tuesday Morning, and can happily say that I was not nervous! In fact, I could not stop smiling. After we got settled and the paper work out of the way, the Dr.'s came in, I asked the remaining questions I had, and then they walked me through everything including the possible complications (I could die, blood clots, stroke, hysterectomy, it may not work etc., - what a way to prepare me before going in to surgery!) Despite this, I was determined to not let the devil steal my joy. After they wheeled me into the OR, they asked me to verify my name, date of birth, and procedure I was having done, to which I proudly and loudly stated - "I am having the Trans Abdominal Cerclage to help me carry a baby to term!". They all cheered and after taking 3 breaths as instructed and trying to picture a happy dream, and pleading with them that whatever secrets come out my mouth, they are to stay in the OR (ha!) - I was out.

I woke up in the recovery room, and all I could remember was thinking someone kicked me in the gut with a steel toe boot! I felt the pain, but when I tried to speak, I had no voice (from that darned oxygen tube!). I immediately started thanking God in my mind and it spilled from my lips. The thought I was crazy-ha!- but I was thanking my God for bringing me through and for placing that "anchor: around my cervix. Apparently I was in and out for the next few hours, and when I finally woke up and asked for hubby and some pain meds (in some order), the anesthesiologist told me that when he pulled the tube out my mouth, I turned my body to the side and let loose of all the contents in my stomach, which explained the added pain at the incision site.

Larry stated to me once we were alone, that all 3 Dr.'s came out smiling and were happy with the placement. I will spare you the specifics, but I spent the next 2 days in the hospital being monitored, walking to get the gas out (oh the gas!), getting the use of my bowels back, and we hit the road Thursday to come back home.

I am in more pain it seems a home. At the hospital I had a high pain tolerance. I am sitting up more, but it hurts to turn, hurts when I first stand up, sit down, and I feel like an old woman. Like I told Cecilia, it will sooooooo be worth it.

Below are some pictures, please forgive my terrible appearance. I am sad that I did not get a picture with all the Dr.'s, especially Dr. Rod.riguez. Though she is young and no as experienced as Dr. Han.ey or Dr. Dav.is, deep in my heart know we made the right choice, and I know she is going to be an awesome TAC surgeon. My experience with all 3 Dr.'s were phenomenal and I would not trade this experience for anything.

If there was any trace of doubt in our minds or hearts about their competence, it has diminished after the care we received and the experience we had with these individuals.

I continue t thank God for his goodness, for leading me to these Dr.'s, and for friends like you all. Thanks for the texts, the fb messages, the emails, the calls-they are all appreciated. I am excited to have you all walk this journey to my expected end with me.

Not sure why they are out of order, and I am in too much pain to figure out blogger, but you get the "picture".

The view from our room.
I don't remember this, but Larry says this is the first thing I did when I woke up and asked for him. hmm. Side note-ladies! see that beard? I have been trying to get him to get rid of it. any suggestions? ha!

One of the amazing Dr.'s that took care of me - Dr. Troph.

Walking for the first time - trying to get rid of the gas. Not.fun.at.all.
Just waking up from the anesthesia.
Settled in our room. In pain, but smiling. Nothing could steal my joy. Thank you Jesus!

Right before being wheeled into the OR.

Again, thank you so much for the prayers, comments, and inquiries. They are so appreciated, and I am glad you are all a part of this journey.

Psalm 147

¹Praise ye the LORD: for it is good to sing praises unto our God; for it is pleasant; and praise is comely.

²The LORD doth build up Jerusalem: he gathereth together the outcasts of Israel.

³He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.

⁴He telleth the number of the stars; he calleth them all by their names.

⁵Great is our Lord, and of great power: his understanding is infinite.

⁶The LORD lifteth up the meek: he casteth the wicked down to the ground.

⁷Sing unto the LORD with thanksgiving; sing praise upon the harp unto our God:

⁸Who covereth the heaven with clouds, who prepareth rain for the earth, who maketh grass to grow upon the mountains.

⁹He giveth to the beast his food, and to the young ravens which cry.

¹⁰He delighteth not in the strength of the horse: he taketh not pleasure in the legs of a man.

¹¹The LORD taketh pleasure in them that fear him, in those that hope in his mercy.

¹²Praise the LORD, O Jerusalem; praise thy God, O Zion.

¹³For he hath strengthened the bars of thy gates; he hath blessed thy children within thee.

¹⁴He maketh peace in thy borders, and filleth thee with the finest of the wheat.

¹⁵He sendeth forth his commandment upon earth: his word runneth very swiftly.

¹⁶He giveth snow like wool: he scattereth the hoarfrost like ashes.

¹⁷He casteth forth his ice like morsels: who can stand before his cold?

¹⁸He sendeth out his word, and melteth them: he causeth his wind to blow, and the waters flow.

¹⁹He sheweth his word unto Jacob, his statutes and his judgments unto Israel.

²⁰He hath not dealt so with any nation: and as for his judgments, they have not known them. Praise ye the LORD.

Awaiting my expected end.

1

After a short battle with an unknown ailment (it is now known that he had 2 massive strokes), and after living a long and fruitful life, my grandfather sadly passed away yesterday at 9:00 am. For 89 years, he graced this earth with his presence, and now he is with his maker, his daughter, daughter in law, sister, brothers, and his great grandchildren; Alyssa-Joy and Evan. Our heart is saddened, but we are comforted knowing that he is experiencing no more pain, just bliss to be with our heavenly father. Please pray for my grandmothers strength. I can only imagine the heartache she is going through.

There is one more day left before the surgery. Full blown nervousness has set in, and I am a mess (Larry included). Despite this, the Lord sure knows how to show up in time of need. This morning I could not find my "regular" Bible to read the scripture I had earmarked (could not remember it off the top of my head), and so I had to use my "bedside" Bible which is the New Century Version. Since I could not remember the scripture I had saved, I turned to my favorite scripture instead. I prefer the King James Version, so I don't use this version often. I am now convinced that God hid my "regular" Bible. ha!

Jer 29:10-14

10.) This is what the Lord says: "Babylon will be powerful for seventy years. After that time I will come to you, and I will keep my promise to bring you back to Jerusalem.

11.) I say this because I know what I am planning for you," says the Lord. "I have good plans for you, not plans to hurt you. I will give you hope and a good future.

12.) Then you will call my name. You will come to me and pray to me, and I will listen to you.

13.) You will search for me. And when you search for me with all your heart, you will find me!

14.) I will let you find me," says the Lord. "And I will bring you back from your captivity. I forced you to leave this place, but I will gather you from all the nations, from the places I have sent you as captives," says the Lord. "And I will bring you back to this place."

As many times as I have read this scripture, today was the day I needed it dissected. I thank God that he led me to his scripture! My pain, heartache, grief, and turmoil will only last for a season, but he will keep his promises. He brought me to this place of uncertainty, but he will bring me back to a place of prosperity! How awesome is our God? I have read and recited this scripture so many times - but today I especially needed to hear this word, and I am receiving it with a repentant and open heart. Thank you Lord for comfort in time of need.

I am praising him today for the captivity he put me in, it is because of this captivity, that I will give more than what he requires of me, and be more than I can ever imagine.

Today, I ask you to pray for us as we travel. The roads are slick and wet, and we have a long way to go. Please pray for protection over our lives from all accident, harm or danger. Please ask the Lord to be our pilot and take control of the wheel, tires, engine, and every facet of that rental.

Thank you for your prayers, and please....... keep...... them...... coming.

Awaiting my expected end.

2

I skipped yesterday since I spent 4 hours taking that darn test, and running around trying to get things done in preparation for Tuesday. So I am asking you to pray for two specific things today.

Today I ask you to pray for my husband. Through this all he has been a source of support, my encourager, my strength. He puts up a brave front, but when he things I am not looking, worry clouds his eyes. He is excited bout the surgery, but is anxious about the anesthesia, seeing me in pain, and not knowing what is happening while I will be in the operating room. He had a bad experience when I went in for the emergency cerclage with Evan. A few minutes after they rushed me in the OR, a code blue was called and my poor husband just about had a nervous breakdown until Kiki calmed him down. He is simply afraid for me and just "not knowing". Please pray for his peace and that the Lord hold him up through the procedure. Please pray that he has the strength to see to my recovery while juggling some things at work as well (God is in control of that one, not going to worry you all about it).

I also ask you to ask God to step in. Ask him to just allow the Dr.'s to be vessels that he is using. Ask him to take control of every action, every cut, every maneuver that takes place during the procedure. Let the Dr.'s not just apply their skills and expertise, but that the Lord works through them.

The nervousness is starting to set in as he final preparations are made. I am just anxious to get it done and can't wait to have that "insurance policy" in. Thanks for praying and keep praying y strength.

Psalm 37:23

The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD: and he delighteth in his way.

II Timothy 2:21

If a man therefore purge himself from these, he shall be a vessel unto honour, sanctified, and meet for the master's use, and prepared unto every good work.

*I am behind on reading blogs, I have approx 85 to read! I will catch up tonight.

Awaiting my expected end.

4

I heard from the Insurance Director today who called to reassure me that everything is finalized on their end, and I have nothing to worry about. Praise God!

Today, I ask you to pray specifically for the Dr.'s. In your prayers today or tonight, please call each Dr. by name. Dr. Lor.na Rod.riguez, Dr. I Kei.th St.one, and Dr. Doug.las Rich.ards. Please pray that they perform the surgery to the best of their knowledge and expertise that the Lord allowed them to have. Please pray that on the morning of the surgery, they come to the hospital wide awake, sober, and in their right mind, and that they will not treat this procedure as "routine", but that they will be diligent in everything they do.

Romans 12: 3

For I say, through the grace given unto me, to every man that is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think; but to think soberly, according as God hath dealt to every man the measure of faith.

Thanks for the previous well wishes and prayers, and we thank you from the bottom of our hearts for walking this journey with us and lifting us up in prayer.

Awaiting my expected end.

5

I read an amazing blog (in addition to all of yours) that chronicles the life and death of one special little boy. Stacy's blog was one of the first blogs I found after losing Alyssa-Joy. She recently had a rainbow baby Eliana. During the days leading up to Eliana's delivery, she would ask her readers to pray for a specific thing. I loved this idea then, and I love this idea now. I am going to be just a little selfish and ask you all to the the same thing for me.

There are 5 days left until the abdominal cerclage. I am excited for now, but know that on the morning of I will be *freaking* out! Dr. Rod.riguez called me this afternoon to go over the specifics. We are to arrive at the hospital a 6:00 am Tuesday morning, do the necessary blood work (cbc panel only), meet with all 3 Dr.'s who will go over the procedure with me again, and be rolled into the OR at 8:00 am. Surgery will last approximately 2 hours (or less, or more).

Following Stacy's idea, everyday I will be asking you to pray for a specific area. We know that the fervent prayers of the righteousness availeth much, and that our prayers will never return unto us void.

Today (this afternoon), I ask that you please pray for our peace of mind. Pray that we cast whatever fears or doubts we have to our heavenly father. Pray that we will be comforted and reminded that he is orchestrating every detail and that he is still in control. Please pray with us.

Psalm 34:4

I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.

Psalm 55:22

Cast thy burden upon the LORD, and he shall sustain thee.

Awaiting my expected end

Unfulfilled

Thank you all so much for those kind comments on the previous post. Truthfully, I feel ashamed for having those early feelings. I simply had to put aside my bitterness because this couple was hurting. I thought to myself, I only wish I had someone who could help me after losing Alyssa-Joy.

I also feel guilty. I cannot even put it into words. I know its irrational, but I feel as if I should have been there for her before. Maybe let her know signs to look for and so on. I know, I know its irrational thinking but I feel helpless in a sense. I plan on visiting her tomorrow after work because I know that everyone will have gone back to their own lives, and its when everyone leaves that it really hits you.

Please continue to keep them in your prayers as there is a memorial for baby Londyn this afternoon.

Today is also a sad day for me. April 20th was Alyssa-Joy's due date. I know she probably would have come early, but I cant help thinking that if all had gone well, my princess would have been celebrating her 1st birthday. I dislike having to celebrate two days - the day that should have been and the day that was - and to experience it twice? -heartrending.

It doe not help that today is Londyn's going home celebration, I now have twice the heartache. I wrote this post last year, and a year later, the sentiments still ring true.

Please keep me in your prayers as I experience all the emotions that plague me on AJ's unfulfilled due date.

To my princess,

My heart still hurts today as it did the day you made your appearance. I apologize to you everyday that my body failed you. I think today of how big you would be, how spoiled you would be, how beautiful you would be. How blessed we would be to have had you in our lives. But today, we celebrate not a first birthday, but we mourn that we never got to experience this day with you.

Though everyday gets a little easier to live without you, there is still that ache in the pit of our stomachs. As the days pass, we get a get closer to seeing you again and our heart fills with hope. I turn every time I hear your name, expecting to turn around and see you there. Baby girl, we love you so much and we carry you in our hearts always. Take care of your little brother for us, and give him the kisses and hugs mommy and daddy can only give from afar. Always in our minds, hearts, and spirit.

We love you baby girl,

Mommy and Daddy

I Peter 5:6

Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time.

Awaiting my expected end.

Heart Broken

A few months ago I told you all about a young lady and her husband who were "encouraging" my husband. These same individuals and her father (my pastor) told me to "get over it", and told my husband to remove every baby picture out of our home.

On Saturday, they gave birth to a beautiful baby girl Lon.dyn Kenn.edy Ar.chat, born at 22 weeks gestation. Lon.dyn lived for 3 hours and blessed her mommy and daddy with her presence before returning to our Savior.

When I first heard the news, I was still a little bitter and could not open up my heart. After hearing her husband speak at church this morning retelling the birth of their daughter, the ice melted and I started crying. I cried for her and her husband, I cried because i know the next few weeks/months won' be easy. I cried because another mother had to give birth way too early. I cried for Lon.dyn and the fact that she will never walk this road with us.

Larry and I stopped by their house after church this afternoon to bring some flowers and convey our condolences. As I walked through the door, the first thing out of her mouth was, "Marie, you are a soldier". I told her I did not think so, I just did what I had to do to survive and stay sane. I was able to share with her some things that the Dr.'s did not tell her that may happen in the next few days (milk coming in, phantom kicks).

One question she asked me was do I think having another baby will make it all better. I immediately said no, you will always remember your firstborn. I let her know she can call me anytime, no matter what time of day, and that I will be there for her.

She felt showing the pictures would be morbid, but I encouraged her to "show them off" and even showed her the ones I canny in my pocket book of my babies.

Please pray for them as we all know firsthand the pain that they are going through and will experience in the coming weeks/months. My heart aches for them both.

Awaiting my expected end.

Resoration

Ladies, thank you so much for your well wishes, kind thoughts, and prayers - it does my heart good. I do not have to tell you all how bumpy the road to getting a TAC done was, as you were all with me every step of the way. My only prayer now is that nothing else pops up between now and April 27th.

I am nervous, but elated. I remarked to someone today that my fear of losing another child far outweighs the fear of the surgery. You all know my pain tolerance is verrryyyyy looowww so please keep me in your prayers :-).

I "met" another mom today and my heart aches. I dislike hearing that another has walked this road. I am rejoicing in the fact though that she is getting the TAC and will be on her way to getting her expected end! Please pray for her - she recently lost a beautiful little girl and just celebrated her sons 1st angelversary. May his peace be with her and her family.

I am now thinking of the TAC as an anchor. Remember the song by Ray Boltz? The one that talks about the anchor holding?

The anchor holds
Though the ship is battered
The anchor holds
Though the sails are torn
I have fallen on my knees
As I faced the raging seas
The anchor holds
In spite of the storm

Thats going to be my TAC. The Lord is going to be the anchor that keeps my cervix closed. My heart and cervix is bruised, and I know I am going to be a nervous wreck during the next pregnancy, but as long as God is holding that anchor, I will trust and believe.

I have been a bad blogger :-y. I have been so busy with studying for that darn test, fulfilling all my extra duties at work, among others, that I barely have time to blog as much as I want to. That is changing in the next few days though. Two supplemental positions at work are coming to an end (I can finally leave work at 3:00pm instead of 5:00pm!) and I will be able to blog more. Lots of things have been happening.

I have been meditating lately and evaluating how I am coping and after searching my heart, the same word keeps coming to the forefront of my mind : RESTORATION. Don't get me wrong, I am still grieving the loss of Alyssa-Joy and Evan and probably will always grieve. But I think I am at a stage where I can truly say I am no longer angry. My heart is no longer bitter. Yes, at times I still question, but I know he is restoring my soul. I think of AJ and Evan and my heart swells with love and heartache. It aches that they will never experience this life with me. It aches that never got to love on them daily, but my heart swells with love. The love that carried them in my womb, my soul, my heart, my arms. The love that has no limit, no boundaries, no end.

With the TAC scheduled, I feel as if things are finally falling into place. Yes, having another child and birthing him or her may not fit the "norm", but it is still God's way of reminding me that he is still in control, and is still thinking of me. He orchestrated everything - from the denial with Dr.D, the fall out with Dr. C, and now finding 3 Dr.'s willing to help us.

I cannot give up hope, and in the instances that I felt like giving up, a window opened. Whether it was a comment, a blog post, a face.book status update, a text, a phone call, an email....., a window always opened.

Joel 2:25 states that: And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten, the cankerworm, and the caterpiller, and the palmerworm, my great army which I sent among you.

He is getting ready to restore all that was taken away. It may not be the way that I expect or want, but it is whatever that aligns with his will.

If you had told me 5 years ago that I would be this Marie, I would have laughed in your face. As much as I would turn back the hands of time and go back to the naive Marie, walking this road has taught me about greater love, unconditional love, inner strength, the bond of friendships, inner peace, and compassion.

He is working on restoring my soul and the years that was taken from me. I eagerly welcome the restoration and pray that you all follow this journey with me as Christ gets ready to transform my life and make me a living witness that that he really does know the thoughts he thinks towards us, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give us an expected end.

Psalm 51:12 - Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation

Psalm 23:3 - He restoreth my soul

Job 20:18 - That which he laboured for shall he restore

Job 20:10 - and his hands shall restore their goods

I Kings 20:34 - I will restore

Exodus 22:4 - he shall restore double

Deuteronomy 22:2 - and thou shalt restore it to him again

Judges 22:3 - I will restore it unto thee

Ruth 4:15 - And he shall be unto thee a restorer of thy life

I Samuel - 12:3 and I will restore it you

II Samuel - 12: 6 And he shall restore the lamb fourfold

Awaiting my expected end.

APRIL 27th!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's set!!!!!!!! TAC April 27th at 7:30 am!!!!!!!!!! Praise Jesus!

Awaiting my expected end. (On the way to be granted my expected end!)