....that's what I am calling the last post. A big thank you for not condemning or judging. The comments, "hugs", "praying for you", and the ones that let me know I am not wrong for feeling this way, and also the ones that let me know I am not alone really uplifted my down spirit.
Still, I am not THAT happy for her. They live in a 2 bedroom apartment, one salary, and really cannot afford another kid. I think I have mentioned before that my ILs and I don't get along. She also inadvertently implied that eating the wrong foods cause you to miscarry (regardless of how far along you are), and also the lack of faith makes your outcome what it is. Yea. She said that.
So, I stand by my original claim, I am not that happy for her.
Its funny how I can be happy for all of you when you find out you are expecting, but I don't feel the same way for those I know in real life. Hmmmmm.
I promised myself that in 2010, I would look on the brighter side of things (for the most part I have), but there is still that ache in my heart. For those of you who have living children..... you know that overwhelming joy that wells up in your heart when you look at your children? When you brush your hand across their head? Their shoulders? When they look at you with agape love in their eyes? When they place their tiny hand in yours? When they give you that sweet, sticky, sweaty hug? When everything is going wrong and they look at you like you are S.uperman? Yea, that feeling. My biggest fear is that I will never experience that. Looking at my babies pictures, or cradling their Urns, temporarily settles the ache, but at the same time, it intensifies it because the pictures and the Urns can't hug me back. They can't look at me with love in their eyes. They can't tell me they love me.
I am not taking for granted the fact that I can conceive, but the outcome is not set in stone. Even if my crappy cervix stays long and strong, there is still so much that can go wrong. I miss that naivete, but I am glad that God has allowed me to arm myself with knowledge.
I dreamt last night that I was expecting. At every ultrasound my face was turned away from the US machine. I was at work and a co-worker noticed my bump and said congratulations. My immediate response was "please don't say congratulations. I have lost two babies already so nothing is guaranteed. Saying congratulations implies that I will bring a baby home. Please leave the congrats until after the baby is born".
This conversation was so vivid that I woke up with the words in my mind and on my lips. I wonder is this is how I am going to be when (noticed I said when and not if) I do get pregnant? If this is so, then what a sad pregnancy it will be, but on the other hand it makes sense. This is the only way that I can guard my heart.
Again, thanks for not judging me for the previous post.
Awaiting my expected end.