Saturday, January 16, 2010

Temporary Insanity...

....that's what I am calling the last post. A big thank you for not condemning or judging. The comments, "hugs", "praying for you", and the ones that let me know I am not wrong for feeling this way, and also the ones that let me know I am not alone really uplifted my down spirit.

Still, I am not THAT happy for her. They live in a 2 bedroom apartment, one salary, and really cannot afford another kid. I think I have mentioned before that my ILs and I don't get along. She also inadvertently implied that eating the wrong foods cause you to miscarry (regardless of how far along you are), and also the lack of faith makes your outcome what it is. Yea. She said that.
So, I stand by my original claim, I am not that happy for her.
Its funny how I can be happy for all of you when you find out you are expecting, but I don't feel the same way for those I know in real life. Hmmmmm.

I promised myself that in 2010, I would look on the brighter side of things (for the most part I have), but there is still that ache in my heart. For those of you who have living children..... you know that overwhelming joy that wells up in your heart when you look at your children? When you brush your hand across their head? Their shoulders? When they look at you with agape love in their eyes? When they place their tiny hand in yours? When they give you that sweet, sticky, sweaty hug? When everything is going wrong and they look at you like you are S.uperman? Yea, that feeling. My biggest fear is that I will never experience that. Looking at my babies pictures, or cradling their Urns, temporarily settles the ache, but at the same time, it intensifies it because the pictures and the Urns can't hug me back. They can't look at me with love in their eyes. They can't tell me they love me.

I am not taking for granted the fact that I can conceive, but the outcome is not set in stone. Even if my crappy cervix stays long and strong, there is still so much that can go wrong. I miss that naivete, but I am glad that God has allowed me to arm myself with knowledge.
I dreamt last night that I was expecting. At every ultrasound my face was turned away from the US machine. I was at work and a co-worker noticed my bump and said congratulations. My immediate response was "please don't say congratulations. I have lost two babies already so nothing is guaranteed. Saying congratulations implies that I will bring a baby home. Please leave the congrats until after the baby is born".
This conversation was so vivid that I woke up with the words in my mind and on my lips. I wonder is this is how I am going to be when (noticed I said when and not if) I do get pregnant? If this is so, then what a sad pregnancy it will be, but on the other hand it makes sense. This is the only way that I can guard my heart.

Again, thanks for not judging me for the previous post.

Awaiting my expected end.


  1. I understand your feelings 300%, they are absolutely validated and normal to feel. ((Hugs))

  2. I hope none of my comments sound like judgement. I understand how hard it is to be "happy" for someone else when you are hurting. Most of the time I'm "happy" for someone as a way to hide my true feelings. Two bedrooms and a lot of children doesn't work out well in my opinion so I understand more now how you wouldn't be happy for her. *hugs*

  3. It's so hard. So, so hard. And Michele is right-no judging EVER because this is about the only place that we can say what we NEED to say. Even if it isn't the most wonderful thing or even something we're proud of. It is what it is. I can relate to SO much of what you say.
    You are not alone.
    And dreams can be so haunting. I can't let myself believe that they are premonitions of things to come because some of mine are so horrible that I think they must just be my worst fears.
    Hugs to you.

  4. Oh Marie, your thoughts just reiterate to me that I am once again NORMAL. We all have those thoughts of "why" them, as they aren't prepared, financialy stable or ready. However, we can't dwell on those thoughts, as they only hurt us, and we are worth so much more :) I still suffer from "waiting for my turn syndrome", but am gonna make it :)

    Your are gonna make it to that FINISH LINE too sweet girl, just hold on, as the ride may throw twist and turns, but we're GONNA MAKE IT! Here we come!

    Much Love

  5. would never judge you because alot of us feel the exact same way about similar situations.

  6. Never judging!! I haven't told many people and wouldn't mind if I didn't have to tell anyone, until she is here and healthy! I understand! ((hugs))


  7. Another non-judging blog buddy here...

    Your post brought a tear to my eye. SO beautifully stated.

    Praying for you and DH!

  8. I think what you felt and continue to feel about your SIL is completley normal. I would say that I would be inclined to feel the same if I were in your shoes. I know that you will get to experience all those things with your very own child.