Saturday, October 24, 2009

What the hell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For the past few days I have been wondering what is wrong with some people. Something happened that has me reeling in shock and has set of a chain of events. Please let me know what you would do or would have done.

Background - I go to a large predominantly African American church. My experience with them is that they are nosy, think they know it all, and are quick to diagnose and supply with their "advice".
There is a lady in my church that also has an incompetent cervix (as well as other issues), and has lost 2 babies. She now has a little one and during her pregnancy discovered that she did not suffer from iIC, but something else. When she lost her babies, she lost it. She needed sleeping pills, went to see a therapist, and had a total meltdown. Please keep in mind - SHE is not me - not even close-we are complete opposites! Her and her husband had problems long before they got married, and the death of her babies escalated it and they divorced.

When I lost Alyssa-Joy, they all had something to say. You should not have worn heels, God knows best, you are young, to the most ignorant - you were not ready.
If you remember, I kept my pregnancy with Evan from everyone except my immediate family. I did so for a reason - they are all crazy.

Last Sunday night I went to church as the Youth were in charge. Now, there are days as I am sure you all agree, that I get sad. There are days I don't feel like worshipping. There are days I just want to wallow in self-pity and grieve for my babies - this was one such day.
So I sat in my seat for the entire service. Towards the end, the Youth leader came and grabbed my hand saying she wants to claim my victory with me. I looked at her and told her, I am really not in the mood. She proceeded to try and pull me up to which I resisted. She then went on to tell me that it was all in my mind and I should "free myself". I looked at her like she had horns on her head. Well some of the other women heard my response and then the next thing I knew, a throng of women were around me praying for my "deliverance". Women who knew nothing about me! I was so livid, I just sat there. This only made it worse. Gang - you should have heard the prayers! How I should not be bitter, something could have been wrong with my child, Jesus must free me, I must not let the devil take hold of me, the works. WHAT THE HELL??????? The whole time I sat there frozen in shock (now this is unusual for me as I am quite mouthy - but this goes to show you how shocked I was - normally I would have told them to get the hell away from me! This went on until the minister in charge (another idiot - but thats another story for another day) asked them to please step away from me.
I got up and calmly walked out.

On Tuesday I got home and all the babies things were packed away, even the Urns! In a panic I called hubby and asked why did he put their things away and he said we do not need to look at their things everyday. I will not delve any further as some choice words were said to him and I restored their things to their original spots. The next morning when I woke up, I was much calmer. I said to him. You know, the unexpectedness at which you took their things down makes me believe that you did not come up with this idea yourself. He did not comment. Well, here comes church people and their input again.
Apparently, the Youth Leader told him that having them up is not healthy and stops the healing process. I did not not discover this until after the next conversation. Point blank-he is to not discuss me with anyone other than family. That has been settled, squared away and we have moved on (I am still pissed off at him by the way). Yeah, I can hold a grudge for a while. :-)

On Thursday, I got two phone calls - TWO! The first one was from the Youth Leader. She called to encourage me to go to counseling and that she spoke to my husband and her impression was that I am jealous of his kids, I blame him for my loss, and my marriage is falling apart so I need to get help. Again, WHAT THE HELL?????????????
She then proceeded to tell me about her sister (the girl who they thought had IC) and how she went insane and it broke up her marriage, and how she hated pregnant women. Well my hot temper returned. I told her thank you for your concern but I am not her sister and left it at that. I hung up and immediately lit into hubby.
After speaking to him I got the gist of what was said. Apparently after the whole fiasco Sunday, her and her husband approached him and asked if I needed counseling. He replied to them that he does not know, but he does know that sometimes I get sad and then I don't talk to him - I keep how I am feeling inside. This led them to believe that my marriage is falling apart. I cussed him out and let him know not to discuss me with people, especially church people, especially these people as they are quick to jump to conclusions and not it is going to be all over the church that my marriage is falling apart.
Now, if you truly know dh and I, you would know that is the farthest from the truth.

Twenty minutes later, I got another call from one of the holy raisers who was "praying" for me on Sunday. She proceeded to tell me how she knows a woman and the Dr. told her she will never have kids and now she has 12. I calmly told her that my problem is not infertility - in fact, I am very fertile - if I sneeze I get pregnant. She then went on to tell me that she knows a lady who had 4 miscarriages and now has 4 kids - I stopped her right there. I said to her, I DID NOT HAVE A MISCARRIAGE, I HAD A STILL BIRTH! I then went on to explain the difference between the two.
She then said, well, whatever it was, and how this lady wants to have lunch and talk to me. She then said, the lady told her when she had her miscarriages, how she almost lost her mind and destroyed her marriage. I reminded her I am not like everyone else. She then started telling me about the same girl at church and how she went crazy. Again, I said to her, DO NOT COMPARE ME TO OTHER PEOPLE!
The purpose of her call was to give me the name and number of a counselor because I need help. Lady, did I tell you I needed help???????? Do I look like my world is falling apart???? Did I tell you I hated God??????????? Did I tell you I wanted you to get me a shrinks number? All because I refused to let you pray for me????????

I am beyond pissed! Church people think they know it all. I would never in a million years call someone that I see only for 2 hours one day a week and tell them they need a shrink! Are they with me 24 hours, 7 days a week to know how I am coping???? I even asked her, where the hell were you when I was on bedrest???? Now you want to "help" me????????
Ladies, please tell me am not crazy and that I did not behave irrationally. I am aware of my own self. If I needed counseling, I would be the first one to go - no one would have to tell me. In fact, my family would drag me to a counselor if they thought I needed one.
Am I not allowed to be sad???? Am I supposed to put up a brave front everyday and "fake the funK"???????? Why do people expect me to be over it? What if I don't feel like smiling they think something is wrong with me?
I need input. If you are here from facebook, send me a message through their. I am amazed at the nerve of some people.

Dear Church People,

LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE AND KEEP YOUR OPINIONS TO YOURSELF. I know my God, my sanity and am still in my right mind. LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!!!!!!

Where is my expected end?


  1. Marie, I'm so, so sorry. I don't even know how to respond to what those uncaring people said. I'm sorry you are going through even more pain-inflicted by people who just don't have a clue. I would give you a hug if I could! Know that I'm praying for you and love you!

  2. blood is BOILING right now....who in the world do those people think that they are????????

    I may not "know" you, but I think we know each other pretty well (considering we don't hold much back in the blog world) :o) and I feel like everything you are feeling is COMPLETELY NORMAL...and why do these people feel like they need to "help" you so strongly??? And the ways that they are trying to BOMBARDING you...that is just not right.


    Unbelievable. Are there any other churches in your area? Because perhaps you should go church shopping...I don't know...

    I think that if you are not ready to worship at any given moment...don't "fake" it...I think it was a good choice for you to sit out...everybody has those moments...I've even not taken communion a couple times because my heart just wasn't in the right place...

    So why they felt they needed to make a scene and pray such misinformed prayers is beyond me.

    Ugh...I am so sorry friend...that was uncalled for. Especially coming from the body of Christ...*sigh*

  3. Oooooooohhhhhhh Marie. My blood is boiling. You already know how I feel about church folk getting into peoples business. They are so involved in spitting out rhetoric that they become blinded to what it really means to be compassionate! Who are they? Who is theperson forcing you to be prayed for? Who decided Gods will was to force prayers on you?! God doesn't force his children to do anything. That's why he created free will!! Do these people even KNOW their God? Or are they too busy being wrapped up in showing off how godly they are? I'm so sorry Marie. And I'm gonna stop here because I'll really get into church folks and I don't want to do that to you. Lots of love girlie. You grieve however you need to. I got your back.


  4. How do I say this without upsetting people...I have found that other Christians want to force God down our throats while we're hurting to make themselves look more faithful. Gosh, I hope that doesn't offend anyone but I felt like people were really trying to cram the "God has a plan" verse down my throat when all I wanted to do was grieve for my baby.

    I'm sorry for what your church family has been putting you through...I guess we can't really pop off on fellow believers and I'm proud of you for not going slap off on the entire congregation. ((Hugs))

  5. I am so sorry. These people were so out of line. You did not act irrationally. You said it perfectly, you are not like the next person and you have every right to be sad - even 23 or 50 years from now. Don't let anyone push you into healing. It will haunt you the rest of your life. Just be sad when you need to be sad. I am so sorry about their behavior. I hope you can forget about them and be at peace where this grief unfortunately takes you and the rest of us. You are not alone. If you ever need anything, I am here for you.

  6. This post made me angry...

    Of the many blogs I've read, yours is one of a person who has a true faith in God. Many of us have wavering faith. Many of us have doubt. Your commitment to your relationship with your DH and your relationship God have inspired me on more than one occasion.

    What stands out to me the most from your post is that part where you wondered whether or not the people at your church expect you to be "over it." I've only endured miscarriages, not stillbirths...I can't imagine the pain you've gone through. But one thing I know---we WON'T EVER be "over it."

    You were NOT out of line. You are entitled to your feelings whatever they may be.

    Thinking of you!

  7. Oh. My. Goodness. WOW. I think I would have slapped the people praying around me. Oh man... I am so sorry! That is just horrible! I know people have "good intentions" but sometimes they are so misguided and ignorant that I cant even believe it.

    You are not in the grips of Satan nor do you need some sort of prayerful exorcism. You are a grieving, orphaned parent. Of course you will have bad days. Sad days. People shouldnt automatically think you need counseling.

    I think you were well within you place to tell them to back the hell off.

    And how dare they call your hubs and convince him to put their things away! That is just horrible! I would have hit the roof!!!

  8. Marie....all I can say is WOW!! I was pretty speechless after reading that. How can some people be so ignorant? Everyone grieves differently and everyone handles their emotions differently!!

    You handled it much better then I would have.I probably would have used some words that were not so lady like in the process!! *huge hugs*

    The nerve of some people.

  9. WOW!!!! I have no appropriate words for that. There really aren't words strong enough to explain just how wrong that whole story is. You did not overreact, and I don't think I could have exercised so much self-restraint and civility.
    I'm pretty sure my next step would be to joina a new congregation and leave those people and their STUPID "help" to the birds.

  10. Marie, I am just so sorry. My heart aches for you - our purpose as Christians is to lift up and support others, not to judge them and invade their lives. Make you food when you're at home after your loss, invite you to talk about your babies without judgment, send a card on your babies' birthdays - those are ways of showing Christian love.

    I hate to say it, but I'd also think about maybe taking a sabbatical from that particular church. This isn't likely going to get better short-term. Are there other church families in the area with whom you'd feel comfortable?

  11. You're not crazy. I would be upset if this happened to me. FOR SURE. You said it exactly, where were they when you were on bedrest?? Where was their concern then???

  12. Ummm, Hello! No Marie, you are not out of your mind, but I think if I were you I would maybe start looking into another church. Wow... amazing how some people can be "so in your face" and think that they have all the answers. And yes, I would be a a lot pissed off by your hubby's actions as well. I honestly would go crazy on my dh if he had pulled a stunt like that!

    Doesn't it just really amaze you though at how ignorant many people are to what we've gone through? I hate that most people aside from those closest to us, don't even realize that we've "actually" given birth to our lost babies... they weren't "miscarried"! Ughhh, that angers me!