Thursday, October 8, 2009

Knife in my heart

Hello gang!

Today finds me in a somber mood. I opened my e-mail after months of not checking it, and the first thing I see is "Congrats on reaching 31 weeks!". This is the magical week where I would have started buying items in preparation for Evan's arrival. Instead, I sit here with an empty heart and empty arms. I miss my babies so much and would give anything to have them with me. How can I love someone so much and I never even got to know them? How can I miss them so much when they were only here for a fleeting moment???

I see my dear friends and coworkers pregnant and enjoying their pregnancies, and all I can do is run the other direction. Where is the woman I once was? The one who was bubbly and optimistic? I have been lurking on the forum (hobh), because it hurts my heart to see the women who were the same gestation I was. It hurts to see them celebrate each milestone because I know I can not do the same.
If anyone says the pain gets better, they lie. The pain gets worse. Every baby I see is a knife in my heart, every preggo belly I see is a reminder of what was. I am having a really tough day and have no idea what to do. Should I curl in a corner and cry? or should I suck it up and will the tears away?

I do not want to show weakness, but there are moments throughout the day when I just want to run away and wail. How can I enjoy life when I know birth control does not work for me? Everytime hubby and I dtd, I worry about falling pregnant and losing another pregnancy. I worry about being pregnant too soon. I know the TAC has a high success rate, but I can't help but wonder if I will ever let my guard down again.

Please keep me in your prayers tonight, that my heart can find peace.

Sorry for the rambling - I just needed to get it out.

Where is my expected end?


  1. Your feelings are so normal. I can relate to everything you are saying. I even lurk on infertility blogs and feel hate for the pregnant women there. They talk about doing things like buying cribs at 12 weeks. I so badly want to tell them that they're not out of the woods, yet. And, you are not weak. You are amazing.

  2. Oh, I am so sorry. I hope you give yourself all the time you need away from babies and preggo bellies. It is ok. It has been HARD for me too. It is ok to crawl up somewhere and just cry yourself away. We all have days where we wonder "where did the person I used to be go??" I am so sorry for your losses. I wish your babies were here with you tonight. Praying for you tonight, too.


  3. (((hugs))) Love and prayers to you, my friend...

  4. Marie....*huge hugs* coming your way. I know exactly what you mean. I look at women in the store with their bellies and I can imagine how far along they are. Be kind to yourself. You are allowed to have a bad day or days. Take care of you.

  5. There is a fine line we balance between sucking it up and letting it out. Both in extreme are unhealthy. But, you should not feel weaker for having a few private pity parties every once in awhile. It is NOT weakness- it is emotion. It is the expression of the qualities that make you a wonderful mother. Which, in a way, makes it glorious.
    Let the pain in every once in a while because it helps to avoid an untimely and involuntary surface of emotion when the situation is not as conducive for a break down.
    I hope you feel better. I wish there was something to say, but we all know there isn't.
    And I'd delete your pregnancy alerts- it's only making it harder for you.
    Good luck, Girl.

  6. Oh sweetie, it isnt weakness. You arent weak at all. It is grief and it comes in shockwaves.

    Sending hugs...

  7. I am sending up a prayer for you. Those emails are hard to receive when you are no longer pregnant or have your baby here. It is hard to see babies and pregnant bellies. I know it reminds me of what I am missing and that hurts.

  8. Oh Marie! I am saying a little prayer for you! The emails make life so hard. And I wish the pain did go away too! Good Luck thinking of you!

  9. Ouch! SO sorry you've encountered many "reminders" this week... I understand your pain and am sorry it seems "extra" right now.

    When you get the chance, I nominated you for a meme/award on my blog. Hugs!

  10. Hi Marie,
    I remember when I came back from my 'maternity leave', I had those 'pregnancy by week' updates in my inbox as well. It's like, kick me while I'm already down why don't cha! It's a cruel reminder of what could have, should have been. And in another cruel twist of fate, in my job, I communicate with pregnant/happy new mothers on a daily basis. I am happy for them, but inside I have my pity party feeling sorry for myself that I was/should have been one of them. Just like u said, it's a knife in the heart. Lately has been especially rough for me, and it's been an overwhelming burden on my shoulders not being able to communicate how I feel, and that is a very lonely feeling, knowing that no one around me can fully understand my pain. And yet.... today I do my weekly routine of checking up on ur blog. And without fail, u understand and convey exactly how I feel. Reminding me that I am not alone. U have comforted me and inspired me without even knowing that u have done it, and I thank u for that.
    U continue to be in my prayers,