Today finds me in a somber mood. I opened my e-mail after months of not checking it, and the first thing I see is "Congrats on reaching 31 weeks!". This is the magical week where I would have started buying items in preparation for Evan's arrival. Instead, I sit here with an empty heart and empty arms. I miss my babies so much and would give anything to have them with me. How can I love someone so much and I never even got to know them? How can I miss them so much when they were only here for a fleeting moment???
I see my dear friends and coworkers pregnant and enjoying their pregnancies, and all I can do is run the other direction. Where is the woman I once was? The one who was bubbly and optimistic? I have been lurking on the forum (hobh), because it hurts my heart to see the women who were the same gestation I was. It hurts to see them celebrate each milestone because I know I can not do the same.
If anyone says the pain gets better, they lie. The pain gets worse. Every baby I see is a knife in my heart, every preggo belly I see is a reminder of what was. I am having a really tough day and have no idea what to do. Should I curl in a corner and cry? or should I suck it up and will the tears away?
I do not want to show weakness, but there are moments throughout the day when I just want to run away and wail. How can I enjoy life when I know birth control does not work for me? Everytime hubby and I dtd, I worry about falling pregnant and losing another pregnancy. I worry about being pregnant too soon. I know the TAC has a high success rate, but I can't help but wonder if I will ever let my guard down again.
Please keep me in your prayers tonight, that my heart can find peace.
Sorry for the rambling - I just needed to get it out.
Where is my expected end?