Thursday, February 3, 2011


I *think* I am suffering from Post Traumatic Stress. This pregnancy is going well (thank heavens!), but I am still consumed daily with "what ifs?" I have a dull ache that in my left arm that shows up every time a negative thought enters my mind.
I am at the point where I am no longer worried about my cervix, but a new worry has entered my mind: premature labor. I almost hate putting it into the atmosphere. Even though I never suffered from PTL in past pregnancies, it is a worry that I have now. I do not want a premature baby. I want a full term baby and am willing to do whatever it takes to get Spencer to full term.

Don't get me wrong, I pray constantly and thank God for getting me this far and KNOW he will take us farther, but the nervousness is still there. Unfortunately, after speaking to a few more blms they tell me the nervousness never goes away, even after the little one comes. hmm........

I will be mentioning these feelings to my dr. at the next appointment and see what he thinks. For those of you who now have your rainbows, did these feeling or thoughts plague you at all? How did you handle it

Awaiting my expected end.


  1. Every day. And, even with my cerclage, I doubted I'd get FT. At 27w, I was just grateful my babies were old enough the NICU could help them. And now, nearing 17 months old, they are healthy and happy, and I thank God every day.

    It is very common for parents who have lost children, are in high risk pregnancies, or are in the NICU to have PTSD. If it starts to get out of hand, the nurses we spoke to recommended talking to a counselor. Lucky for us, it never got that far, but just something to keep in mind.

  2. Its totally (and sadly) normal to feel all those feelings. I think most moms are a little nervous during normal pregnancies but after what you have been thru TWICE those scared feeling have been validated (like I'm so worried that something bad might happen and then it does). I agree with Michele, if it gets bad enough see a counselor that specializes in grief. (or if you have a really cool dr. see if you can go in and just get the baby's heart rate checked!)
    Hope you feel better soon!

  3. I worried quite often!!!! I put up Bible verses around my house to read when I was having those kind of thoughts. I also had a little notebook with verses written in it that could be brought with me. I had to purposely change my perspective and focus. Not always easy, but the more you do it the easier it gets! Praying for you!!!

  4. I really like Michelle's ideas! Great way to handle it. When I get really afraid, which is happening less and less, I do recite bible verses and just pray and pray and pray! Praying for you too and your peace of mind. I'd definitely tell my doctor too! I have a doppler at home that I use too when I get too worried. I'm sure your doctor would let you come in to hear little Spencer if you are worried too!

  5. Ha, I also worry about PTL and PPROM. I worry about my cervix, but I added on those two worries for flavour. Today I also started to seriously consider that I might have a connective tissue disorder, like Enhlers Danlos or something like that. Life is worry. The sky is the limit.

  6. Things got REALLY bad for me around 21 weeks, which is when I ppromed-and I went to see a pyschologist about 3 times a week for a few weeks. I literally couldn't walk into the bedroom (where my water broke) and I was just terrified of every move. I wanted a cerclage, and to be on bedrest, and my mfm kept telling me it wasn't my cervix.
    At any rate, yes, I felt that way. Please take care of yourself!
    p.s. have I ever told you that I love how you put "awaiting my expected end" at the end of every post? I swear, each time I can imagine exactly how you would be saying it based on that post (i.e. with sarcasm, sadly, with humor, excitement).

  7. I have been thinking the same things alot lately, although I am terified about my cervix. And I have always worried, and more so since we lost TheGirls.
    But know that I am thinking of you and prayig for peace of mind.

  8. Absolutely. Even with my 4th baby, I still worry about premature birth...but I also worry about my kids who are here with us - safe and sound. When your little one comes, the worries will go from being born too early, to something happening when they are here with's tough to describe.

    I'd definitely talk to you doc - but what you are feeling is totally normal, especially after going through what you have...

    Hang in there!

  9. i think we are all suffering from PTSD. how could we not be. we've all had very traumatic events happen to us. ((hugs)) i will be praying for more peaceful thoughts to fill your mind. i know how hard it is to push neg thoughts out.

  10. Oh honey, the twins came at 35 weeks and are completely healthy, even still, I worry about them. I hate to leave them with anyone other than my husband and I, they slept in my room until they were 10 months old, and I still check them over and over when they sleep even though they are 2 years old. It never goes away, we are survivors, but that did not come easy.

  11. Oh, I imagine it's such a blessed and also a nerve-wracking time for you. While I cannot relate to the losses you have experienced, I did have a very high risk pregnancy. I recall that my days were filled with relentless worry. Monotonous concerns were turned into prayers that seemed to be on a reel in my mind. I remember the same dread washing over me at every ultrasound. Reflecting, I wish I had been able to embrace the joy of the pregnancy instead of fearing the worst. Considering your history, I'm sure it's infinitely more difficult. Many prayers for health, happiness, and peace of mind.

  12. oh Marie, I so get this. I started worrying more about PTL then my cervix as I got closer to the 30's. I was on progesterone shots to help this and I figured if I wasn't feeling contractions I was ok. Are you feeling contractions? Keeping you and Spencer in prayer.