Perplexed and Pissed

I am quite upset at the medical profession right now. After 5 doses of Cyto.tech, they finally decided to perform a D&E. They kept her (hungry) from early Thursday morning until Friday morning all because if they had to do a D&E, they wanted her stomach empty. After the 3rd dose, and she had not dilated (not even softened), they should have explored other methods. She even asked if they could go ahead and just do the D&E and they refused saying they don't do D&Es. Her OB was out of town so there was no way he could have been there to call the shots not knowing the full extent of what was happening. Finally around 7:00pm last night, they did the D&E.

This hospital will definitely be hearing from me, just like they did when we had Alyssa-Joy. I had to leave work Thursday at 1:00pm to go "ream" out the nurse, as she had not seen any since 5:30 that morning. I was in there changing her bedpan because the nurse had not shown her face. They sure heard my mouth!

I am just in shock as to why this happened. I am so sorry she had to join this club. They did not make her see the baby, she did not get pictures, the dr. never came back to see her after the procedure, they did not tell her if it was a boy or girl........ the list goes on. I am mad at the hospital, I am mad at the dr. and I am sad for my sister.

We have no answers at this point. We know it was not her cervix though as it was long and closed and refused to dilate. There were no blatant signs of infection, so we have no clue. Her water simply broke.

My sister is broken, hurt, weepy, and full of self-blame. Emotions we all know too well.

She has a follow up appointment with her OB early next week. Hopefully she will have some answers.

Thank you for the well wishes, expressions of sympathy, and prayers. I have forwarded them all to her. Please continue to keep them in prayer.

Awaiting my expected end,

Marie

Tragedy Strikes Again

Proverbs 24:10

If thou faint in the day of adversity, thy strength is small.

My heart aches this morning. Last night my older sister who is 15 weeks and 4 days along called me at midnight to let me know she was on her way to the emergency room. Apparently, she was sitting on the floor, felt a bubble and then a gush. She called her OB who encouraged her to go to the e/r. Hubby and I immediately got out of bed, got dressed and flew (literally) to join her at the hospital. As the ultrasound tech did her stuff, I had to avert my eyes because I saw no fluid around the baby. When I asked the tech what the amniotic fluid index was (she was quite surprise I knew this term) she said "there was none to measure". Sometimes I think I know too much. There my sister was asking me questions and in an effort to not make her panic I kept deflecting to "lets see what the dr. says". I did make sure that they did not *bs * her at all.

She has been given cervi.dil and will be delivering her baby sometime today. The dr. does not want her to do a d&c unless absolutely necessary. We all know how emotional and heart wrenching this process can be so please keep her and her partner in prayer. He is also not taking it so well. My heart breaks that she has to join this community and also that she has not yet even experienced the joy of feeling the baby move or even learned the gender yet.

Please, please lift them up in prayer.

Awaiting my expected end,

Marie

Letter

Just wanted to share the letter/post I shared with my Abby Loopers and IC Forum sisters.

I am a Christian and have always believed that God desires nothing but good for us. I felt my faith wavering after losing my children and sometimes because I am still human, I find myself still questioning. I praise him daily because my relationship is now stronger with him.

At the age of 23 I got married to a wonderful guy. After a cancer scare in 2008, I was told by my dr. to at least think about starting a family. Needless to say, I conceived the week I stopped taking birth control. The pregnancy with my daughter Alyssa-Joy was blissful and uneventful, no morning sickness, bitter taste in mouth, no aches and pains, nothing. We were reveling in the joy that accompanies any pregnancy. Thanksgiving 2008, at 19+ weeks, I saw blood when I wiped and had slight cramping. After laying on the couch with my feet up for a while (because that’s what the pregnancy bible said to do), I called my OB who said we could wait until the next morning to see him or go in to L&D. We chose to go in. Once there I was found to be fully dilated and my daughter's feet were already in the cervical canal. We were told we had to deliver, as there was nothing they could do. I was 19 weeks, 4 days. She lived briefly for a few minutes.

We were told that I had IC and that with the next pregnancy a cerclage would be placed to ensure that I go to term.

Less than 5 months later (2009), we found out we were pregnant again. We were nervous, but I had done my research about the TVC, saw the successes of some of the ladies on this forum, plus my OB stated that he never had one fail, and we had a plan in place -possible bedrest, progesterone suppositories, frequent monitoring, etc. I had a single McDonald placed at 10 weeks, 6 days.

At 15 weeks, 6 days (it was summer and I was only working 4 days a week for 2 hours each day) I went to the MFM and my c/l had shortened from 4.1cm to 3.1 cm with funneling. I was immediately placed on strict bedrest. I got up only to use the rest room and shower every other day. I NEVER moved. My husband bought a mini-refrigerator and placed it by my bedside. Every morning before he left for work, he packed my breakfast, lunch and snacks so I would not have to leave our bed. We did everything we could to make sure we brought a live baby home.

At 19 weeks, 6 days I went to see the MFM again and was found to have funneled through the stitch. We thought, “How could this be?” We did everything! Even keeping a journal and noting the time frames I was up for when I went to the restroom. After tallying up the times daily, I was only up for a total of 20 minutes. We were doing the suppositories, drank tons of water….. we did EVERYTHING! We were rushed to the OR and an emergency cerclage placed and the failing one removed. I will spare you the rest of the negligent details that accompanied this surgery and during the days following discharge, but a few days later at 20 weeks, 3 days I delivered my son Evan stillborn due to an infection caused by the lack of antibiotics given by the dr that did the rescue cerclage.

I was like many of you. I said, "I am not meant to be a mother". Why else would I lose TWO babies? I never had anything done to my cervix prior to getting pregnant, had no risk factors, nothing. How could this happen to me? Why am I being punished? I felt God was telling me “you are not meant to be a mother.”

After a few months, and many women from this forum reaching out to us, we decided to research the TAC as our desire for children far outweighed our fears. After researching, speaking to a few ladies who have had success with the procedure, being scammed by a Dr., and talking to Dr. Davis, we made the decision to do the TAC. Even after other Drs. that we consulted with said we could have another TVC and just “relax” at home. After battling with our insurance company (who denied Dr. Davis and Dr. Haney), we found an awesome Dr., 4 hours away who performs TACs. We met with her, put her through the grinder with our 104 questions (yes, we had that much), we prayed about it and knew that we were making the right decision.

On April 27^th, 2010 we traveled to Gainesville Florida and had the traditional TAC done pre-pregnancy. I went into and left the OR room smiling (so they tell me). When they asked me in the OR what I was there for, the Dr. said I threw my hands up in the air, laughed giddily and said “I am getting the Trans Abdominal Cerclage that will help me to get to full term and bring a baby home!”

Hebrews 10:23 says, Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering for he who promised is faithful. Hope is something that cannot be described. If we had let fear rule our lives, we would be most miserable!

We found ourselves unexpectedly pregnant in September 2010 while actively avoiding. To say we were panicked was an understatement. Dh had just gotten laid off after being with his company for 9 years and there are simply no jobs in Florida, so we made the decision for him to go back to school. Despite the worries, we are immensely blessed and are filled with hope.

I sit here today 28 weeks pregnant with baby boy Spencer Nathan W., leading a semi-normal life. My cervix has stayed stable at 4.2cm, I still am able to work and maintain our livelihood, I'm able to still attend classes at night finishing my PhD, and so on. I say semi-normal, because we are nervous wrecks! :-). My husband won't let me do anything in the house, go shopping, nothing. But all has been well and God is still proving that he will fulfill our hearts desires and the TAC is working!

I must say I had my doubts and only recently told our families at 24 weeks. I kept thinking, "why will it work for me when nothing else has? Who is to say I wont fall in that 2%? I seem to fall into every statistic, why not this one?" Even now while typing this, I wonder “am I jinxing myself?” and I catch myself because I have hope and hope allows us to rest in safety (Job 11:18).

I sit here today in my classroom (on my lunch break of course!) as a living witness that getting the TAC is the best decision my husband and I ever made and know and believe it will result in good things. Am I still nervous? OF COURSE! Not a day goes by that I don’t feel a twinge and wonder; “Is this it?” But I trust God, my TAC, and have hope that we will get to term.

Hope is a beautiful thing and we are a bunch of courageous women who despite heartache are willing to try again. I thank everyone who has encouraged me, calmed my fears, lifted me up, prayed for me, and kept me sane. I won’t call names because you all know who you are! I cannot wait to share Spencer’s birth story with all of you 10 weeks from now and give someone else the hope, so many of you gave me.

As my favorite scripture says; For I know the thoughts I think towards you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil to give you an expected end. (Jeremiah 29:11). My expected end is on his way.

Awaiting my expected end,

Marie

Milestone # 3

How many weeks: 28 weeks!

How am I feeling: Really, really, really, really confident! So much that baby plans are underway in the W. household!

Doctor’s Appointment: yesterday -great c/l measurement! Next one is 02/23/2011

Weight Gain: 6lbs

Maternity Clothes: all maternity

Baby Preparation: getting out carpets cleaned and ac vents and ducts cleaned

Gender: Boy!!! Spencer Nathan W.

Sleep: early to bed, early to rise and cannot go back to sleep so I end up praying (not a bad deal at all)

Best moment this week: hearing about my lovely cervix!

Movement: all the time. I don't think this child sleeps at all! I'm loving it! Had quite a scare the other day though, but after some coke he was up to his active self

Food cravings: Loss of appetite lately

What I miss: not waddling when I walk

What I am looking forward to: Meeting the next milestones: 32 weeks, 35, weeks, and delivery (but not anytime soon!)

Milestones: telling my ABBY & IC Forum sisters.

I received this lovely blanket from a dear friend I met a few years ago. We experienced similar losses around the same times. She just had her TAC done this past Monday and hubby and I are sooo excited for her! Please stop by and send her good tidings!

Made with love by Aunty Tonya! Thanks again T!

Awaiting my expected end,

Marie

Appointment Update

See this?????

This is my cervix at 28 weeks (well 28 weeks, 2 days). The measurement at yesterday's appointment? 4.27 cm!!!!! Praise God! As usual, I was beyond nervous, but the TAC continues to hold, cervix is long, strong, curved and closed, and God continues to bless us immensely!

Just a recap from yesterdays appointment:

Me

1.) Weight - now 180 (still 6 lbs). MFM says not to worry baby is obviously getting the nutrition he needs. I really don't know how I have gained so little - I eat like a cow! I guess all that working out over the summer increased my metabolism? Who knows!

2.) Blood Pressure - 124/65

3.) Cervical Length (I'm starting to actually love my cervix - go figure!) - 4.27cm. Last check at 24 weeks was 4.10 am.

Baby Spencer

1.) Heart Rate - 143 bpm

2.) Length - not able to tell

3.) Weight - 2lbs, 8 oz.

Questions for the MFM

1.) Last cervical length check? - 32 weeks

2.) Precautions or concerns? - None. Pretty soon I can relax completely. ha! I told him we will relax when we get to fullterm.

Overall it was a good appointment. Now I am happy for about a week and then I get worried again. Ahhh the joys of pregnancy after loss.

Thanks for all the support ladies!

BTW:// the one question everyone seems to ask is "how did you keep it a secret for so long?" Let me tell you it can be done. The weather has actually worked to my advantage for the past 2 -3 months. It has been extremely cold in Florida (and my classroom is always cold anyway). Hubby's sweaters and my winter coat did an awesome job of hiding the bump. So for those of you who want to wait to tell your families, it can be done. Large clothing is a must, and when others (nosy folks) ask if you are, simply reply with "so, are you calling me fat?" It shuts them up immediately! :-)

Awaiting my expected end,

Marie

27 Weeks

How many weeks: 27 weeks!

How am I feeling: optimistic?

Doctor’s Appointment: yesterday -passed my glucose test! Next appointment: 02/15 -cervical length check

Weight Gain: 6lbs

Maternity Clothes: all maternity

Baby Preparation: created our registry (yikes!)

Gender: Boy!!! Spencer Nathan W.

Sleep: Yup, but still can't find a comfy position at night

Best moment this week: telling my students (they squealed like kindergartners - up until now when they asked I would respond with "are you saying I'm fat?")

Movement: all the time. I don't think this child sleeps at all! I'm loving it!

Food cravings: Pizza and Wings

What I miss: not waddling when I walk

What I am looking forward to: Meeting the next milestones: 28 weeks (3 days away!) , 32 weeks, 35, weeks, and delivery (but not anytime soon!)

Milestones: my OB telling us to register at the hospital and to start interviewing pediatricians (I have no idea what to ask)

Awaiting my expected end,

Marie

No Greater Love

This month, Mattie had the brilliant idea of hosting 14 days of What Love Really Means. A few BLMs have written stirring posts that I encourage you to all check out. Not only are there daily posts, but giveaways as well! Please stop by and check her out. I guarantee you will not be disappointed. Mattie is the mother to one living child and two angels. You can read her story here.

In our lives (no matter how rough it may be), we all experience love at some point. Amidst the pain and heartache, instances of love have popped up in our lives whether its through a friend, other blms, family members or even total strangers.

Our Savior's Love

John 15:13 states that Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.

There is no greater love than our father's love for us. Many times we question his love (I sure did!) when we experience loss after loss, heartache after heartache, and disappointments after disappointments. We ask ourselves; "why me?" "what did I do to deserve this?". Truthfully, there are no easy answers and I definitely have none to give you. We many never even know why good people suffer or why babies have to die, but I do know he loves us with an agape love. I know that when we hurt, he hurts. I know when we feel disappointed, he feels disappointment. I know that when we meet with roadblocks after roadblocks, he weeps with us. When Lazarus dies, Jesus wept. When he was being crucified, he asked for forgiveness for his accusers. Despite all the trials and tribulations we face, he loves us more than we will ever know and made the ultimate sacrifice for us. Someone asked me the question once, "would you give up your child to save others?". To which I responded, "HELL NO!" This is what our Savior did. He gave up his son that we may have life and have it more abundantly. There is no greater love than the love of our heavenly father.

A Mother's Love

"A mother's love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity, it dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path."-- Agatha Chris

I have said this before, but a mother's love knows no limits, no boundaries, no ends. I never knew true unconditional love until I became a mother. Granted, I only knew them physically for a few minutes, but when I looked at my babies, I saw no deformities, no translucent skins, nothing that others would normally cringe at. I saw flawless beauty in both Alyssa-Joy and Evan. Others seem to shudder when they see me holding my "dead" babies, but I see love radiating amongst the sorrow of the moment. It does not matter how small they were or how underdeveloped they were, they were my babies and they were perfect in every way and I dare anyone to say otherwise. There is no greater love than a mother's love and I am sure those of you with living children and angel babies can attest to that fact. I will fight for the memory of my children and as short as I am, I can put up a hell of a fight!

A Spouse's Love

Love means to commit oneself without guarantee, to give oneself completely in the hope that our love will produce love in the loved person. Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love. ~ by Erich Fromm ~

Marriage is not an easy feat. I will be the first to say that. However, when you find the right someone love is a beautiful thing. My husband and I have had our share of problems, but we remind ourselves that we took vows and ultimately love conquers all. God is the head of our lives and because we love him, we love each other more. Marriage is about communication, trust, keeping no secrets, holding no grudge. Marriage is about forgiveness and seeing the faults in yourself first. I chose to love my husband unconditionally after the my love for God. He sure does have his faults (!), but I look at his positive attributes and praise God for blessing me with a good man. I have a man who is a hard worker, who love and often talks about his kids, who goes out of his way to be a blessing to others, who loves me like Christ loves the church. Divorce is not an option for us (though I am not condemning those who go this route) therefore we make it a priority to communicate, show trust, and give love freely.

My love for my husband is greater than any other.

The Love of (for) Others (BLMS)

Love is the best medicine, and there is more than enough to go around once you open your heart. - Julie Marie

Love is going out of your way to show someone you care. We are all connected through loss, but the love we have for each other is remarkable! I often wonder what would do without the support of all of you. We love each other with a compassionate love. We share those we love with each other (our most prized possessions), share our intimate secrets with each other, and give support freely. This is an amazing love and there is no greater love than the love we blms have for each other.

All these speak of what love really means to me. Love has no limits, boundaries, ends. It is not based on what we can do for each other, it is not contingent on anything, it is limitless, supportive, understanding, tolerant despite each others beliefs. It is patient, kind, warm, pure, and without undue intention. Despite the circumstances of how we met, despite our everyday situations, we love each other and there is no greater love.

Awaiting my expected end,

Marie

PTS?

I *think* I am suffering from Post Traumatic Stress. This pregnancy is going well (thank heavens!), but I am still consumed daily with "what ifs?" I have a dull ache that in my left arm that shows up every time a negative thought enters my mind.

I am at the point where I am no longer worried about my cervix, but a new worry has entered my mind: premature labor. I almost hate putting it into the atmosphere. Even though I never suffered from PTL in past pregnancies, it is a worry that I have now. I do not want a premature baby. I want a full term baby and am willing to do whatever it takes to get Spencer to full term.

Don't get me wrong, I pray constantly and thank God for getting me this far and KNOW he will take us farther, but the nervousness is still there. Unfortunately, after speaking to a few more blms they tell me the nervousness never goes away, even after the little one comes. hmm........

I will be mentioning these feelings to my dr. at the next appointment and see what he thinks. For those of you who now have your rainbows, did these feeling or thoughts plague you at all? How did you handle it

Awaiting my expected end.

14 Days of Love

I usually don't participate in events like this (other than the 25 days of giveaways), but this topic was simply too irresistible to pass up! This month Mattie will be hosting for the next 14 days, 14 amazing women sharing what love really means to them! Please stop by and read some stirring posts from some awesome BLMs.

Awaiting my expected end.

26 Weeks!!!

How many weeks: 26 weeks!

How am I feeling: dare I say excited!

Doctor’s Appointment: February 9th (GD test appointment)

Weight Gain: 6lbs - boo!

Maternity Clothes: all maternity

Baby Preparation: nothing major-according to Larry (if you call getting ready to redo our bathroom and bedroom nothing major)

Gender: Boy!!! Spencer Nathan W.

Sleep: Yup, but can't find a comfy position at night

Best moment this week: finally telling my co-workers

Movement: All the time. I don't think this child sleeps at all! I'm loving it!

Food cravings: Pub.lix Tuna Subs - which I can't have - double boo!

What I miss: Sleeping through the night without getting up to pee 3 or 4 times a night.

What I am looking forward to: Meeting the next milestones: 28 weeks, 32 weeks, 35, weeks, and delivery (but not anytime soon!)

Milestones: Getting to 26 weeks

Awaiting my expected end.