Two Questions

I was asked two questions this week from a non BLM when she heard my story. "How did you handle it? How do you do it?" I then asked her if she had time because my response was going to be long.

In the past, when someone asked me how I was I would respond with, "I'm ok". Simply because I did not want to go into details and dredge up the memories of my losses which in turn would drive me into a fit of tears. These days I find myself more vocal and willing to share my experiences with others. Not because I am looking for attention, but because I want others to know of the experience and in turn hopefully be able to help someone else.

A lot of other BLMs have echoed the same sentiments. They are more vocal, want to put a face to their loss(es) and want to hopefully help someone else. Gone are the days when we would hide out losses because we feared what others would think. Gone are the days when losing a baby was regarded as a disease and a plague to be caught. Gone are the days when losses were equated with the mother taking drugs, living in poverty, smoking, drinking, and all the misconceptions that accompany a loss.

Truthfully, I am still grieving over the loss of Alyssa-Joy and Evan. Yes, the pain is not as fresh and I am able to live my life without constantly breaking down. But a particular scent, passing a specific location, an article of clothing, seeing children who would be their age, so many more will bring back that fresh wave of grief to the surface. I am grateful for resources like this that connect so many women experiencing the same emotions as I am. It makes me feel...... normal. It makes me feel.... accepted.

Being pregnant again does not take away the pain as so many others think. Being pregnant reminds me of what could have been or what should have been. Every milestone that I am currently passing is like a knife in the heart and I find myself saying, "if only". Going day to day is a struggle. I find myself saying "If this happens, I will......." Right now I am simply hanging on by a thread. I am all too aware of every sensation that takes place "down there". Every unusual feeling or twinge in a moment of weakness I ask myself , "Is this it?". I won't sit her and lie. Yes, I know God. Yes, I trust him. Yes, I have hope, but it is a struggle and I am hanging on by a thread.

I give praises every morning when I wake and every night when I go to bed and I am still pregnant and upright. Is it tough? It sure is, but I take it one. moment. at. a. time.

How did I handle it?

1.) I cried

2.) I screamed

3.) I was in denial

4.) I was pissed

5.) I prayed every day

6.) I clung to my husband and family

7.) We went on a vacation to escape the memories

8.) I ignored people

9.) I ignored babies

10.) I pleaded with God for mercy

11.) I had hope

12.) I treasured the pictures I have

13.) I stared at the pictures everyday

How do you do it?

1.) I cried

2.) I screamed

3.) I was in denial

4.) I was pissed

5.) I prayed every day

6.) I clung to my husband and family

7.) We went on a vacation to escape the memories

8.) I ignored people

9.) I ignored babies

10.) I pleaded with God for mercy

11.) I had hope

12.) I treasured the pictures I have

13.) I stared at the pictures everyday

I do all these things and more every. single. day.

Awaiting my expected end,

Marie