Next up were my father and step-mother. Again, they did not take it so well. Hubby and I sat there for an hour listening to how they were hurt (mostly my step-mom) and they cant believe that we "hid" it from them, and how they would never have forgiven us if something had happened and they were left in the dark. hey too, expressed happiness, but said it was "immature" of hubby to not force me to tell.
Are we the only ones that understand the logic or why we wanted to wait before saying anything?
Next up was my older sister. Who took it the same as everyone else. She also sated that she was hurt and that I should have at least told my dad and twin sister.
Last up was my grandmother. Oh the wisdom of the elderly! She explained why we should have said something, but that she understood. She stated that at the end of the day, whether or not we told my parents in the beginning or the end, they would still worry, and why would we not want the support regardless of the outcome? She reinforced the fact that they (father and step-mom) loved us both and only want what is best for us so we should never have left them in the dark.
Again, are we the only ones that understood the logic behind why we chose not to say a word? That nigh and the days following left me feeling crappy. Thank heavens for some good friends who encouraged me! Hubby finally said something to me that made sense. At the end of the day we made the decision that we felt was best.
So the experience of telling our families was not a good one, but friends took it extremely well. How sad is that? Friends took it better than family.
Oh well!
BTW-I noticed I lost a follower. I know hearing about subsequent pregnancies are hard and it is never my intention to hurt anyone. My only hope from this blog is to help others through my experience. To those who have stuck with me, thank you so much for all your support and understanding. If you are still waiting for your miracle, please know that I am praying constantly for you and hope to one day share your journey with you.
Awaiting my expected end.
delurking to reply. Perhaps you can write an open letter to your family. Explain that it was never your intention to hurt nor exclude them. Tell them that after two losses there is simply no perfect nor time to announce a pregnancy. Tell them that while they mean the world to both of you that you and your husband had to make the best choice you could at the time, and your mutual choice was to wait to make a formal announcement until you felt a reasonable degree of safety. Remind them that this baby is an incredible blessing to the entire family and you hope they will be able to get past the hurt and share your joy for this amazing blessing.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that things did not go as you would have expected...we did the same thing with the adoption of our son. We told very few people and needless to say when we got him some were shocked. I think it's hard for people who have never experienced loss to understand the decisions we make. My prayers are with you and just know that for anyone's who's feelings are still hurt it will all go away once your baby is here! Blessings!
ReplyDeleteYou know, with family it's like this: they don't get most of what I go through, and my main task with them is forgiveness and patience, over and over again. I don't take them seriously more than I would take any child seriously. They don't have my experience, and my depth of thinking about this topic, or my depth of feelings, so I cannot expect more of them. They do their best. Let them be hurt and don't worry too much about it, they will be very eager to forgive and forget once the baby is there.
ReplyDeletePS. However, you look so pregnant I don't have a clue how you managed to hide it from them!
ReplyDeleteim so sorry your family didnt take it well. I too find this hard to believe. After all, its is your body, your baby and your choice (your hubby too) to make decisions for your family. Thats what parents do... they make the best possible choices for them and their family. And thats all anyone can do in life. Your family doesnt have to like it, but they do have to respect that. You are grown adults and your own family. I however and very very happy for you all and think I would have done the same. HUGS to you!
ReplyDeleteHonestly, I think I'd had to have told them all to grow up. We all get our feelings hurt from time to time, but their comes a point when we just have to put on our big girl panties and deal! They will get over YOUR decision, especially when this precious little one gets here. If not....their loss!
ReplyDeleteYour two losses are so tremendously painful to you, I would have hoped that family would be relieved that things are going well with this pregnancy & understood why you waited to tell. Being the mother of twins, I can imagine how very hurtful that your twin's reaction is to you. Praying - I hope they come around soon so all of your family can move forward toward your expected end.
ReplyDeletewell...you already know how how I feel about everything!!!
ReplyDeleteHowever, I do hope that everything gets better soon and that your family will one day see it your way. I guess if you haven't walked this path, you cant understand why any of us do what we do.
if you told them from the beginning, they'd be opinions...you told them now, there is opinions....there will always be opinions...and that is all it is...OPINIONS...you and your husband did the best you could. Unless they have experienced the pain you have endured, they cant expect to understand ANY choices you will make. I think that you were able to have less stress in the way in which you handled it and that should be respected. I am glad to hear that they would have supported you from day one. I hope your sister can come around and see that this IS a time of joy now...((((hugs))))...im sorry you lost a follower...xoxo
ReplyDeletei'm sorry to hear that marie. it is tough...but yes, you are the only one (in your family) who sees the logic....they have no real concept of the death of your children - not in the same ways that you do. with our second we waited until we thought it was safe to tell anyone ....and then when he died 7 weeks later I wished we had waited longer. but, for some reason...with this one we told people right away - even earlier than we did with our first. it's your baby, it's your choice.
ReplyDeleteI just don't understand how they can't be more sensitive to you and your husband, with ALL that you guys have gone through! I 100% agree with your husband--you guys made the decision that was right for you...for your family. Because that is what it is all about now...your immediate family. As important as it is to try to have strong relationships with your extended family, you, your husband, and your sweet little guy are priority #1. I'm so proud of you for handling this the way you guys did--it was right for you and that's all that matters! I will continue to pray for you guys as your sweet little man continues growing big and strong, but I'll also be praying that your relationship with your family members mends and they can be truly supportive of you guys--with whatever decisions that you make! Love you friend, and I'm just so thrilled for you! Can't wait to see you holding your sweet baby boy!! Keep the updates coming...I love to hear how you are doing and seeing your cute baby bump!
ReplyDeleteSorry the announcement didn't go so well with the family. I can kind of see both sides I suppose...but it was your's/dh's decision and what you guys felt comfortable with at the time. I like PP idea of sending a letter...sometimes it's easier to put our feelings down in writing. I am sure the family will come around and rally with support and love.
ReplyDelete((hugs))
Marie,
ReplyDeleteOnly those who walk this path can understand, and it's very sad. I didn't want to tell anyone I was pregnant either and held out until I couldn't any longer. Others just don't understand the anxiety and pain we go through following loss. It's just not the same.
Perhaps writing them a letter would help. Or, just put all these emotions in a box somewhere and take a deep breath and resolve to let it go. No more drama from family, right? It's not worth being upset. Pray for guidance and you will get the answer honey, I promise :)
xxx
Oh Marie, I am so sorry. I too do not understand why people make it all about them. It also amazes me that people cannot comprehend the pain that you and hubby are going through and have gone through! Any way I wish you all the best and I will pray for peace with your family in hopes that they will get on the excited boat long before this little guy gets arrives!
ReplyDeleteThinking of you with Love and Prayer!
Sorry to hear your family didn't take it so well. I understand where they are coming but also understand why you chose to wait; at the end of the day your hubby was right. You two made the best choice for you all....and that is all that is important at the end of the day. Still uplifting you in prayer....and I'm excited to take this journey to your expected end!
ReplyDeletehow sad is it that everyone seems to think it's about them. you and dh have been through so much and it's up to you to handle the situation however you feel comfortable.
ReplyDeleteyour bump is utterly adorable.
hugs. xo
I'm sorry your family didn't understand your feelings, but they haven't been there, so how could they? What is most important I've found is that you and hubby agree and support one another and are stronger together for it! Sending you lots of love!
ReplyDeleteYou look precious and I can't wait for Spencer's safe arrival in quite a few weeks (though sooner than it seems!!). So fun!!!!
Marie,
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that telling your family didn't go well. I am also sorry that they couldn't understand your and your husbands reasoning behind it.(not sorry as in i want them to go through it but just sorry that it doesn't seem that they tried to understand). But as hubby said at the end of the day you guys did what you felt was best and that's all you can do, is your best. I hope your sis starts to speak to you again and that things do get better between everyone soon. Hugs and Lots of Love to you.
Oh the joys of family.. Our grief counselor is a big fan of explaining that anger is just a symptom of another emotion. That in order to understand our anger, we need to think about what is at the route of it. My guess would be your family is probably wondering what THEY did to make you not want to tell them. They are probably thinking about what mistakes they have made before in supporting you that would cause you to not want them to support you this time. But that reinforces the issue-- it's not about THEM, or what they did or didn't do or would or wouldn't have done. It's about what was best for you. One thing I've learned from losing Claire is that I need to focus on other people when I'm trying to help or be supportive. I need to think about what THEY need, why THEY are making the decisions they are etc. Because they are your family, they are automatically inserting themselves into deserving to be a part of this journey with you. Maybe they just need assurance that they have been on this journey with you- they are Spencer's family, whether they knew about him or not- he is a part of them.
ReplyDeleteYOU ARE DOING EXACTLY WHAT MY HUSBAND AND I ARE DOING! (Plus I've heard of tons of other people doing the same thing). If only all of us were lucky to share good news everytime at 8 weeks and have everything turn out great! Sadly, it doesnt always end with a happy ending. It really can't be all that wrong with wanting to hold something that precious to yourselves and spare others the pain if you can! Ultimately you have to do what makes you and your hubby happy and no one else!
ReplyDeleteOh, and I'll be your new follower!
I am sorry your family didn't take the news so well...that has to be so very tough. I hope they can all come around and understand where you were coming from!
ReplyDeleteIt's funny that friends tend to be more supportive and understanding than some family!
It's so important to focus on YOUR life with your husband - everyone else is just secondary. Take care of yourself first, which you were doing...they'll come around!
So, I started off reading all of your responses. But, it looks like everyone is saying the same thing. But I had to chime in and say that I completely understand why you didn't say anything. I have told myself that I won't say anything either. It is a little easier for me being an only child. But, people that have not had losses don't understand that it's not really about not telling them, it is about your own peace of mind. If we were like first time mothers that have never had a loss, I am sure you would have shouted it from the mountaintop. But that joy has been stripped away by the deaths of our beloved angels. We have to protect ourselves and our own sanity and keep away from any negativity and doubts when we are trying our best to hold on to the faith that we have.
ReplyDeleteOn a side note, you have all of us followers behind you 100%. Your family will come around..