Sunday, June 28, 2009


Hello ladies!

As many of you know, I am a member of an Incompetent Cervix Support Group. In the past few months, we have had a lot of BFPs and pregnancies that are going great with the help of a cerclage. However, we have also had 4 more losses (2 related to a failed cerclage, 1 an infant death, and another due to infection), and a few ladies who are struggling to hold on to hope. My heart grieves and even though I know everyone is different, I can't help but wonder if I will be one of the unlucky few. I know in my heart that if I trust God and be proactive, my outcome will be different, but the worry is always there.
Some of the things I worry about are change in cervical length, funneling, pre-term labor, hospital bedrest and another loss. I don't think I would ever be able to endure another loss. Though my worries are unfounded they are there none the less.

Every time another member experiences a loss, I go through their history to see what and if there are any similarities in their backgrounds and mine. I know, I am a little paranoid, but I cannot help it. I am a healthy 25 year old, I have never had an abortion, D&C, cone biopsy, leep procedure or any procedure other than a pap smear. My entire sexual history has only been wih my husband, so how weak can my cervix be????????

I have become a fear-filled, paranoid, hypochondriac. Every time the fear rises to the surface, I find myself reciting the scripture that says " for God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind"; It also does not help that it is the summer and my mind is going a mile a minute. During the days, I find myself searching the scriptures asking God to give me peace. The latest one I found was - Philippians 4:7 - And the peace of the Lord which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Jesus Christ.

I know I should not doubt God as he promised me that he will keep me in perfect peace as long as my mind is stayed on him, but every time I hear bad news, the doubt and fear surfaces. I have tried staying away from the forum but I seem to be addicted!
Am I crazy???? Is there anyone that can ease my mind???? I have heard the success stories and they give me hope, but the few that fail makes me quiver in fear. HELP save my sanity!!!!

Awaiting my expected end.

Sunday, June 21, 2009


My dad. Ronald aka Ron (and my step-mom). At the age of 6, my two sisters, brother and I lost our mom to Ovarian Cancer. This man stepped up to the plate, worked two jobs (a Soldier and drove a cab in his spare time) to provide for his family. He counseled us, disciplined us, went to school events, but most of all love us. We can always count on him to be there in times of sadness, plenty and want. He was by my side while I was delivering AJ, crying with me and encouraging me. I have seen my father cry, but never like he cried that day. He cried because he was losing his first grandchild, but he cried the hardest because he knew I was in pain and suffering.
I can always count on this man. He pushed all his children to get college degrees and strive for the highest. Having only an 8th grade education, he joined the army at 17. He worked hard and sent all of us to private schools and encouraged us when we struggled. It is because of this man why I am the way I am today. He made sure we were always in church even though he was mad at God for asking his wife.
I love this man to death and always ask God to make him live forever.


Larry. My husband. The father of my child. My "baby daddy". My rib. My strength. The love of my life. What can I say about this man? The one who provides just I can stay home and be bored in the summer. The one who listens to my complaints, wipes away my tears, cries with me, and loves me for me. He never once said anything was my fault, he just held me and comforted me. I could never go through what I went through without him and I'm glad he was the one the lord gave me to experience this life with.
He is an amazing father to his children, he is a great son, boss and friend.

Happy Father's Day to the two most important men in my life.

Awaiting my expected end.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

I Understand!

Hey gang!

I have never battled infertility (maybe bad timing) and always wondered what it was, how you got it, how it could be explained and the whole shebang. Even though I have wondered, I have never researched, as I figured I had nothing to worry about. With most of my friends in "blogland battling" this devastating factor, I must say I am curious.

This summer, having nothing to do, and watching lots of mindless tv, I am drawn to the channel Discovery Health. A midday show known as Baby Lab which features everyday people battling infertility (people from all walks of life) getting help from Dr. Silver ( a renowned fertility expert). I have cried, rejoiced, crossed my fingers, sat on the edge of my seat, cried some more and thanked God for my blessings.
This program walks you through the various stages (and it is quite a few stages) that many couples go through to get pregnant.

Ladies, hats off to you. You have earned my respect, my love, my prayers. It is a long and worrisome journey that many of you go through to achieve your dream. I understand and I salute you. I see what you go through and my heart aches along with yours. For every injection you get, I feel for you. For every disappointment you face, I cry with you. For every egg retrieval you go through and bea testing you do, I hold my breath along with you.

Through this program, I also learned it is quite expensive. Though I may not be able to assist you financially, I can offer you my prayers. Hopefully this is enough.
Ladies, you are all in my prayers as we travel this journey together. Do not think that you are alone. You have a friend in Florida hoping, praying, and crying with you. Though each experience is personal, as women we share a bond and my heart aches along with yours.

I have heard many ladies battling this condition that they cannot talk to their friends as they do not understand. I have heard many women say that they get unwanted advice about what to eat, to just relax, that once you stop trying it will happen. Well ladies, I have no advice to offer, but just know I UNDERSTAND.
Praying for you always.

Awaiting my expected end.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Lazy days of summer

Hey gang! I know its been a while since my last post. (Jeez its been that long????). Nothing has happened. I have still been keeping up with your posts and I promise to create at least one post a day.

Summer is here and I am bored stiff! I look forward to summer and every year I get bored. My day goes something like this:
Watch TV, read, sleep, watch tv, read, sleep. Fun huh??
Not much has happened lately, but have been reading a lot of good news (Alyson, sweetpeanme). I am so happy for the paths that you are traveling and wish that all goes well in the coming months. I pray that pretty soon you both will get your BFP's.

I am running now, but I will post more later. I have a few things I want to share.
Toodles! Enjoying the summer sun in Florida

Awaiting my expected end.