Wednesday, October 20, 2010

"That Place"

To put it plainly, knowledge sucks. What I wouldn't give to be naive about pregnancies. As I sit here and reflect on this pregnancy, I am brought back to "that place". The place where I gave birth twice. That place where I held a baby who would not go home with me. When I go to "that place" my heart skips a beat, my eyes well up with tears, and fear enters my heart. "That place" is a place of grief, a place of loss, a place of hopelessness, a place I wish I had never encountered. "That place" is the place I said goodbye before even saying hello. "That place" was brought upon me so quickly I barely had time to process it. "That place" where my whole family grieved with me and said goodbye to their grandchildren, niece, nephews, son, and daughter.

Friday the 15th was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day and I proudly wore my pins to work. But do you know what? No one asked about them. No one asked about the significance of those pins. As we lit our candles that night, I broke down. Who would have thought that a few lit candles would incite so many emotions. I cried as the flame flickered in the moonlight. I said to Dh that we should NEVER have to observe a day such as this. No one should. We should be celebrating birthdays and milestones, not a day that we have to educate others about or light candles in memory of. I simply lost it. We sat on the couch and hugged and remembered out babies together.

I want to enter a new place. A place where my shattered heart won't ache. A place where I can smile. A place where I can feel whole (if thats even possible). Will I ever get to that place? Hubby says when we bring home this little one I won't feel whole but I will enter a new place. I wonder how true that really is.
Someone asked me if I am happy about this baby. Truthfully I could not answer. Why? I am afraid to dream, to think about the future, to think of names, to even think of the possibility. I know I have a bionic cervix, but this is what two losses do to you. It takes away your confidence. It takes away your hope. I am afraid to hope. For me its a defense mechanism. I am simply trying to protect my already fragile heart.

What do you do when you go to "that place"? Do you cry? Rant? Rave? Pray? I have tried them all. When I enter that place, I repeat my favorite scripture to myself "For I know the thoughts I think towards you; thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you an expected end" - Jer 29:11. Does it help? Not always. I have to shake myself out of it and realize that I am not in control, He is. I am simply a vessel to be used. As hard as I want to steer my own ship, I have to let go of the helm.

I want to enter a new place, and I cannot wait.

Awaiting my expected end.

9 comments:

  1. Absolutely beautiful, Marie. I love that scripture passage. I think your hubby is right - we will enter a new place, a new reality, with memories of the past and a new expectation of the future. God IS in control and He will always lead you back to Him. ((((HUGS)))) to my sweet TAC sister!

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  2. When I enter into that place I reflect and pray. Sometimes I tear up and cry. It doesn't happen as often now though.

    I surely believe that you will enter a new place when you bring your little one home. I'm not sure about the feeling whole though. Is that possible when some of our children are in Heaven and not in our arms? Even though I am so filled with joy and my heart doesn't ache like it once did, I don't feel whole. My family doesn't feel whole. But we're still happy. It's taken time and healing but I'm glad that we have reached this place. And I won't lie, having our rainbow has brought us so much of that.

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  3. You will enter a new place, but there will always be pieces missing. God fills those places with grace and love. I understand the having trouble being excited, wishing, wondering. I am praying for you!!!

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  4. All I can say my dear friend is I understand and I am praying for you! Many prayers and big hugs!

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  5. Beautiful post, I too would give so much to be ignorant about all that can go wrong during pregnancy, it is so difficult to lose your innocence about all the tragedy that can occur. Thinking of you and sending love. Thank you for stopping by and showing my friend Tiffany some love, it means so much at this difficult time.

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  6. I loved your post. I am still at "that place" often and I have faith in God that there is a reason why we have been in that "place" and I will hope and pray it is all for a good reason and we will be on to a better place soon. I am thinking and praying for you always!

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  7. Even with the possibility of taking a baby home, I still find "that place." I wonder if it will ever get any easier when we find "that place." *hugs*

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  8. Wow, so well put. I feel the exact same way, even though I am not pregnant yet, I am having a conversation with Dr. Davis tonight and Dr. Haney next week about the TAC. I feel nervous about talking to them because I know that a new baby won't replace Lauren and I will probably feel super nervous the whole pregnancy.

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  9. Nicely put! "That new place" is overwhelming with emotions you didn't even know existed.Everything that you feel is completely normal. Don't let the devil take away your shine.....have faith in God! With my last pregnancy I was on pins and needles and eveyone else around me prayed heaven down. With this pregnancy I completely gave it to God and here is my testimony....I HAVE NO COMPLICTIONS! You can and WILL get through this. I'm praying heaven down for you.....

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