"That Place"

To put it plainly, knowledge sucks. What I wouldn't give to be naive about pregnancies. As I sit here and reflect on this pregnancy, I am brought back to "that place". The place where I gave birth twice. That place where I held a baby who would not go home with me. When I go to "that place" my heart skips a beat, my eyes well up with tears, and fear enters my heart. "That place" is a place of grief, a place of loss, a place of hopelessness, a place I wish I had never encountered. "That place" is the place I said goodbye before even saying hello. "That place" was brought upon me so quickly I barely had time to process it. "That place" where my whole family grieved with me and said goodbye to their grandchildren, niece, nephews, son, and daughter.

Friday the 15th was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day and I proudly wore my pins to work. But do you know what? No one asked about them. No one asked about the significance of those pins. As we lit our candles that night, I broke down. Who would have thought that a few lit candles would incite so many emotions. I cried as the flame flickered in the moonlight. I said to Dh that we should NEVER have to observe a day such as this. No one should. We should be celebrating birthdays and milestones, not a day that we have to educate others about or light candles in memory of. I simply lost it. We sat on the couch and hugged and remembered out babies together.

I want to enter a new place. A place where my shattered heart won't ache. A place where I can smile. A place where I can feel whole (if thats even possible). Will I ever get to that place? Hubby says when we bring home this little one I won't feel whole but I will enter a new place. I wonder how true that really is.

Someone asked me if I am happy about this baby. Truthfully I could not answer. Why? I am afraid to dream, to think about the future, to think of names, to even think of the possibility. I know I have a bionic cervix, but this is what two losses do to you. It takes away your confidence. It takes away your hope. I am afraid to hope. For me its a defense mechanism. I am simply trying to protect my already fragile heart.

What do you do when you go to "that place"? Do you cry? Rant? Rave? Pray? I have tried them all. When I enter that place, I repeat my favorite scripture to myself "For I know the thoughts I think towards you; thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you an expected end" - Jer 29:11. Does it help? Not always. I have to shake myself out of it and realize that I am not in control, He is. I am simply a vessel to be used. As hard as I want to steer my own ship, I have to let go of the helm.

I want to enter a new place, and I cannot wait.

Awaiting my expected end.