As I re-read the post, I realize that I sound somewhat ungrateful, and I hope no one was offended. I know many of you are still trying and I pray that God fulfill the desires of your heart.
So many of you have reached out to me and have checked up on me. All the texts, chats, posts, and emails are greatly appreciated.
The shock has not worn off. I am still scared (but oddly enough, not about losing another child). I am scared because I have no control over what the next few months will bring. I am scared to tell my family (more scared to tell my step-mother). My sisters are awesome and I know they will encourage me and let me know all will be well, but I know they will be shocked as well. My step-mother is quite opinionated and she is the one I fear the most.
This is not supposed to happen this way. I am supposed to be finished with school, my husband is supposed to have a great job, we are supposed to be in a new house, our savings should be overflowing before we have another child. Someone reminded me of the saying "If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans". Well he sure is laughing now!
Some of you made suggestions that were great, but not for me. I am very independent. I have never asked anyone for financial help and will find it hard to start now. I bought my condo myself, furnished my home by myself, paid for school myself (with the help of robber baron Sall.ie Ma.e) we paid for our wedding ourselves, and I have always prided myself on being able to do it all by myself, and cannot imagine even asking for anyone, not even family for financial help. The suggestions were appreciated though. :-)
The funny thing is, when I had it all together, I could not stay pregnant, and now that I don't have it all together......... Someday I will reread this post and laugh. But for now, laughter is nowhere near.
I have no idea how far I am exactly, but based on my calculations, I am probably 5 weeks and some days, and have made an appointment for Friday. I am nervous, scared, shaking in my boots...... the whole nine yards. I have my moments of calm and my moments of panic.
This really is bad timing, but when I check the dates, the timing is good. My only fear is bedrest. I am not claiming it and I have to remind myself that I have the TAC so the chances of bedrest is slim. My danger zone is right over Christmas break, and my due date would be around the beginning of May. I also have great disability which because of this due date would allow me to get paid until the beginning of August, if bedrest does not become a factor. I know it wont because of the promises I have already gotten.
For the past few weeks, our church has been experiencing revival. A few weeks ago, a visiting minister came and prophesied into Larry's life. She said to him "no more death" and that to continue trusting because everything will be well, and will work out to our benefit. This was from someone who knows nothing about us and does not even live in the United States.
Three weeks ago, during that revival, an older mother of the church came to me and prophesied into my life. She said to "stick by your husband and God is going to give us the thing we desire the most". I received it, thanked God for it and moved on. No one knows we were seeing a counselor, and everyone thought we were done trying for children. I told Larry later that night, and said yea, in a few years when we are ready everything will be alright because of his words. I NEVER thought it would be this soon!
I have also had this recurring dream about September, more specifically September 13th. In May, I made the following note on my calendar under September 13th: "something phenomenal"? I am now hoping something awesome happens on that date!
God has also been inadvertently preparing us these past few months as well. After Larry lost his job, we used some of our savings to pay off our three major bills, and are able to save even more per months off of one salary.
So for right now, we have a *plan* and I use this term loosely, because our plans are not God's plans and this is evidence enough. The plan is to save a much as possible over the next nine months. We can save up to $1,000 monthly, and if we continue to be really frugal (which thank heavens I am quite good at!) even more. The job search is now on again full force! Larry is once again making some follow-up calls so please pray for him this week that he gets a job.
Someone asked me this question, "if your husband were working, would you be happy about this pregnancy?" Absolutely! The unemployment is my only hang-up.
I have lamented over the past few months about when we will re-start our family and how things keep happening to push us back, but I had accepted it, and now this. We never planned this, but if this is what God has allowed to happen (and I still don't know how-unless it was some superman swimmies hanging around for a whole week and a half), then we must accept it and trust that he will see us through.
I ask that you all continue to pray for us, more specifically for peace of mind, provisions, and a healthy, safe, and uneventful pregnancy.
Awaiting my expected end.