Horrible blogger

I promise to start blogging more and updating as soon as things happen. I do have an excuse though! I have been soooo busy! This year seems more busy than the last few years.

So my appointment on Friday went well. We did give the u/s tech quite a scare thought! They usually have the screen turned away from us (I guess to protect us if something ends up being wrong?) but my husband was watching the screen and I was watching his face because his face always gives it away - ha! All of a sudden during the u/s, I saw his jaw drop! Needless to say my heart started racing. He looked at the tech and asked "Is that what I think it is?" The tech then said, "let me look some more." What could it be? She thought she saw TWINS!!!!! Well, when he told me this I said "heck no! I will commit myself to the hospital now!"

After looking around some more, there turned out to be only one :-).

Bub looked good, heart rate was 145pm, I was measuring 7 weeks, 5 days (today I am 8 weeks, 3 days) which pushed my due date back a few days - now May 10th. The baby is definitely no longer the size of a grape now!

Now on to the cervix news. I walked into the appointment with my "Medical Journal". A composition book that has notes from Dr. Davis in regards to everything TAC related. Whats normal, what should happen, what should not happen, even when and how to deliver! I also had normal CL measurements vs measurements for women with IC. I asked tons of questions especially how she measured the cervix, does she measure the contracted part as well? Does she measure from the TAC down or does she measure from the top (which is the contracted part) to the bottom?

After she gave me my CL length, she realized she had done it wrong when she checked my notebook. Protocol is to not put pressure on the cervix with the wand, to take 3 measurements and use the shortest one as the official length. She took one measurement and applied pressure during the scan. I also let her know that if it was short, then thats ok because CL scans in the first trimester is not accurate and is no indicator of preterm labor.

Well, my staring CL was 3.5 cm, which is ok, but again, the next scan in the 2nd trimester will be a better indicator so I am not stressing.

I also got to see what was left of the TAC! To my untrained eye, it was barely visible (and the tech could barely see it as well). I told her thats to be expected, because the body builds a layer of flesh around a foreign object when put in.

I of course apologized to her for annoying her, but we let her know that after 2 traumatic experiences, that we have armed ourselves with knowledge to give this child a chance. I also requested that she do every CL check because I want consistency and everyone has their own way of measuring the cervix.

My OB seemed to think this was a good length, but we are believing that it will grow, and stay long and strong!

Morning sickness is still rampant, but I am dealing with it better (thanks for the advice girls!). I am sitting down more at work (which I hate, but I am trying to form a habit). I actually timed myself the other day. Throughout the entire 6 hour day (when I see students) I stand for a total of 1 hour! I sit on my stool, utilize my intern more, assign students to pick up my primary students when I need them, and so on. I hate it, but I am learning to take it easy.

The experts say it takes about 6 months to replace a job lost, and it is coming up on six months that hubby has been unemployed. I remind myself daily that this is temporary, he can't be unemployed forever! (right?) Daily, we fill out tons of applications and fax resumes, and nothing! Right now we are exploring another avenue, so please keep him in prayer.

I know I should be grateful and I am, especially when others are in worse positions. Believe me, I thank God daily! But being a control freak and having no control on the job situation right now is tough! :-) We know and believe that God has something in store, not in our time, but his time, and I do believe he is working on me giving full control to him. I'm trying Lord!

Thanks for all the kind words, thoughts, and prayers.

Awaiting my expected end

Fear...

.... its creeping in.

I have an appointment this afternoon for an official cervical length check and I am nervous, scared, fearful, hopeful. The one question that keeps coming to mind is; "what if its already short?". I have been so positive lately and now the devil is trying to place doubt in my mind.

Please pray that my mind continues to be at ease and believe with us that my starting CL is >4.5 cm.

Awaiting my expected end.

Sorry ;-)

* I have had this post typed for the past week and could not upload it via my I.POD.

Hello everyone! So so sorry for leaving you all in suspense. A HUGE thank you to all of you who sent emails, comments, and texts of concerns.

I can be found these days hugging the toilet seat - lol. Morning sickness is kicking my butt! I never had m/s with Alyssa or Evan, but now I can barely function. This is new territory for me..... pray for me. Ha!

So we went to our appointment last Friday and while in the waiting room I kept saying, "maybe the tests were wrong. Maybe my body is tricking itself into believing I am pregnant". Ha! "Congratulations" were the first thing out of the nurses mouth after the urine test was done.

I still say that my OB is awesome! I went in there ready with a list of demands, and before I could open my mouth, he already had a plan that aligned with mine. He was so happy to see us..... he even remembered the room number where we delivered Evan :-(. He called all his nurses and partners (we were the last appointment) to let them know about us and the fact that we have the TAC. He also wanted them to know that if we called or came in, we are to be seen immediately (I love this man). He vowed to hand us a live baby in our arms nine months from now and no a minute sooner!

The plan:

* visits and ultrasounds every other week along with CL checks

* 17P shots starting at 16 weeks

*bedrest of my cervix gets between 2.5 - 3.0 cm

At first, he had said "the further along you get I am putting you in full disability" until he saw my face! I said, "I have the TAC! I won't need bedrest, but I will take it easy". I have every faith in my God and the TAC so I am standing and saying that I will not need bedrest. I am walking by FAITH and not SIGHT!

Between him and the MFM, I will be seen weekly starting at 14 weeks.

So.... according to the informal u/s that was done, I am 7 weeks, 2 days today. Our next official u/s is on Friday (Sept 24) where we will get a more accurate date and beginning CL check.

My husband is also driving me crazy! He checks my temp everyday and demands that I call him to inspect the tp every time I pee. now he's the tp watcher -ha!

So, right now we are just hanging out around the commode waiting for something exciting to happen! I have tried everything! Sea bands (work when they want to), jolly.ranchers (leave a nasty taste in my mouth), sal.tine crackers (leaves my mouth dry), and now we are trying ginger tea.

On the job front..... still nothing yet, but we are not panicking. God has something in store and as anxious as we are to see what it is (because you know, me being a literal person and all), we have to remind ourselves that all in his timing, not ours.

I asked the dh the other day, "why did he choose for us to go through this now?" We have no answer yet, but we are holding on and believing something miraculous is about to take place in our lives. Please continue to lift us up in prayer as we do the same for you.

Awaiting my expected end.

Thanks

A HUGE thank you for all the kind comments, stories, and prayers. Some of the comments I really needed to hear!

As I re-read the post, I realize that I sound somewhat ungrateful, and I hope no one was offended. I know many of you are still trying and I pray that God fulfill the desires of your heart.

So many of you have reached out to me and have checked up on me. All the texts, chats, posts, and emails are greatly appreciated.

The shock has not worn off. I am still scared (but oddly enough, not about losing another child). I am scared because I have no control over what the next few months will bring. I am scared to tell my family (more scared to tell my step-mother). My sisters are awesome and I know they will encourage me and let me know all will be well, but I know they will be shocked as well. My step-mother is quite opinionated and she is the one I fear the most.

This is not supposed to happen this way. I am supposed to be finished with school, my husband is supposed to have a great job, we are supposed to be in a new house, our savings should be overflowing before we have another child. Someone reminded me of the saying "If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans". Well he sure is laughing now!

Some of you made suggestions that were great, but not for me. I am very independent. I have never asked anyone for financial help and will find it hard to start now. I bought my condo myself, furnished my home by myself, paid for school myself (with the help of robber baron Sall.ie Ma.e) we paid for our wedding ourselves, and I have always prided myself on being able to do it all by myself, and cannot imagine even asking for anyone, not even family for financial help. The suggestions were appreciated though. :-)

The funny thing is, when I had it all together, I could not stay pregnant, and now that I don't have it all together......... Someday I will reread this post and laugh. But for now, laughter is nowhere near.

I have no idea how far I am exactly, but based on my calculations, I am probably 5 weeks and some days, and have made an appointment for Friday. I am nervous, scared, shaking in my boots...... the whole nine yards. I have my moments of calm and my moments of panic.

This really is bad timing, but when I check the dates, the timing is good. My only fear is bedrest. I am not claiming it and I have to remind myself that I have the TAC so the chances of bedrest is slim. My danger zone is right over Christmas break, and my due date would be around the beginning of May. I also have great disability which because of this due date would allow me to get paid until the beginning of August, if bedrest does not become a factor. I know it wont because of the promises I have already gotten.

For the past few weeks, our church has been experiencing revival. A few weeks ago, a visiting minister came and prophesied into Larry's life. She said to him "no more death" and that to continue trusting because everything will be well, and will work out to our benefit. This was from someone who knows nothing about us and does not even live in the United States.

Three weeks ago, during that revival, an older mother of the church came to me and prophesied into my life. She said to "stick by your husband and God is going to give us the thing we desire the most". I received it, thanked God for it and moved on. No one knows we were seeing a counselor, and everyone thought we were done trying for children. I told Larry later that night, and said yea, in a few years when we are ready everything will be alright because of his words. I NEVER thought it would be this soon!

I have also had this recurring dream about September, more specifically September 13th. In May, I made the following note on my calendar under September 13th: "something phenomenal"? I am now hoping something awesome happens on that date!

God has also been inadvertently preparing us these past few months as well. After Larry lost his job, we used some of our savings to pay off our three major bills, and are able to save even more per months off of one salary.

So for right now, we have a *plan* and I use this term loosely, because our plans are not God's plans and this is evidence enough. The plan is to save a much as possible over the next nine months. We can save up to $1,000 monthly, and if we continue to be really frugal (which thank heavens I am quite good at!) even more. The job search is now on again full force! Larry is once again making some follow-up calls so please pray for him this week that he gets a job.

Someone asked me this question, "if your husband were working, would you be happy about this pregnancy?" Absolutely! The unemployment is my only hang-up.

I have lamented over the past few months about when we will re-start our family and how things keep happening to push us back, but I had accepted it, and now this. We never planned this, but if this is what God has allowed to happen (and I still don't know how-unless it was some superman swimmies hanging around for a whole week and a half), then we must accept it and trust that he will see us through.

I ask that you all continue to pray for us, more specifically for peace of mind, provisions, and a healthy, safe, and uneventful pregnancy.

Awaiting my expected end.

FREAKING OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have 3 minutes before the bell rings......
I stopped by the pharmacy on the way to work this morning because AF had not shown up (today is cycle day 32). AF came on Aug 1st, and ovulation happened on the 14th. We did nothing from the 12th to the 16th. I took the test the minute I walked in the classroom and left to check my mailbox all the while thinking it was going to be nothing. No such luck.

How the heck did this happen????? I have been so careful the past 13 months. I can pinpoint my ovulation day to the second. We avoid "doing the deed" until the danger zone has passed (at least thats what I label it).
I am freaking out and trying to compose myself, all to no avail and my first round of students come in in 2 minutes.....

I can hear the voices of my family members right now...."How did you let the happen? What were you thinking? Are you stupid? Your's husband's not working!"

Please no congratulations. I am back in school, my husband is not working, I am working extra hours..... it is such a bad time. How the hell did this happen.

Please again, no congratulations and no mention of this on face.book. Tears are streaming down my face and fear is now in my heart. I have no idea what the future holds......

What the heck is happening with my life?????

(please ignore any spelling errors. I am simply not functioning right now. How am I going to teach effectively today?)