Breaking the News

So we told my family last week......................... lets just say it did not go so well. First up was telling my twin sister. After my class got out that night, I called her while driving on the I-75 (using an earpiece of course-safety first always). I knew she already knew because she had found my blog, but wanted to "officially" confirm the news and explain why I chose to not say anything. I knew there would be some hurt feeling, but I also walked away from the conversation extremely hurt. The comment that got to me? "Why didn't you just wait until after the baby was born to tell me?" Now this may seem like a simple comment to you, but it was how it was said that drove a knife through my heart. She expressed that she was happy for me, but that it would take her a while to get over it. Sadly, she has not spoken to me since and I am left wondering, how long will the silence last?

Next up were my father and step-mother. Again, they did not take it so well. Hubby and I sat there for an hour listening to how they were hurt (mostly my step-mom) and they cant believe that we "hid" it from them, and how they would never have forgiven us if something had happened and they were left in the dark. hey too, expressed happiness, but said it was "immature" of hubby to not force me to tell.

Are we the only ones that understand the logic or why we wanted to wait before saying anything?

Next up was my older sister. Who took it the same as everyone else. She also sated that she was hurt and that I should have at least told my dad and twin sister.

Last up was my grandmother. Oh the wisdom of the elderly! She explained why we should have said something, but that she understood. She stated that at the end of the day, whether or not we told my parents in the beginning or the end, they would still worry, and why would we not want the support regardless of the outcome? She reinforced the fact that they (father and step-mom) loved us both and only want what is best for us so we should never have left them in the dark.

Again, are we the only ones that understood the logic behind why we chose not to say a word? That nigh and the days following left me feeling crappy. Thank heavens for some good friends who encouraged me! Hubby finally said something to me that made sense. At the end of the day we made the decision that we felt was best.

So the experience of telling our families was not a good one, but friends took it extremely well. How sad is that? Friends took it better than family.

Oh well!

BTW-I noticed I lost a follower. I know hearing about subsequent pregnancies are hard and it is never my intention to hurt anyone. My only hope from this blog is to help others through my experience. To those who have stuck with me, thank you so much for all your support and understanding. If you are still waiting for your miracle, please know that I am praying constantly for you and hope to one day share your journey with you.

Awaiting my expected end.

How many weeks: 25 weeks!

How am I feeling: still nervous but optimistic

Doctor’s Appointment: regular OB appointment tomorrow

Weight Gain: 4lbs

Maternity Clothes: a combination.

Baby Preparation: bought 7 adorable outfits

Gender: Boy!!! Spencer Nathan W.

Sleep: Yup, but can't find a comfy position at night.

Best moment this week: feeling confident enough to start buying some outfits.

Movement: All the time. I don't think this child sleeps at all! I'm loving it!

Food cravings: homemade french fries. Y-U-M!

What I miss: Sleeping through the night without getting up to pee 3 or 4 times a night.

What I am looking forward to: Meeting the next milestones: 26 weeks, 28 weeks, 32 weeks, 35, weeks, and delivery (but not anytime soon!).

Milestones: Getting to 25 weeks

Catching Up

I finally have the courage to post a pregnancy update. Dare I say I feel "normal?" Pushing all thoughts of "jinxing" myself aside and taking a plunge.

How many weeks: 24 weeks, 4 days

How am I feeling: Grateful but nervous

Doctor’s Appointment: Regular OB appointment on Tuesday January 25th

Weight Gain: 4lbs

Maternity Clothes: A combination.

Baby Preparation: No, but I did create a wish list. don't have the courage to do a registry yet so for now a wish list will do.

Gender: Boy!!! Spencer Nathan W.

Sleep: Yup! I love my sleep unless I'm nervous.

Best moment this week: Seeing Spencer grow and learning of my AWESOME c/l!

Movement: All the time. I don't think this child sleeps at all! I'm loving it!

Food cravings: A Co.ke Icee from 7-11 (don' judge me)

What I miss: Working out and not being nervous all the time

What I am looking forward to: Meeting the next milestones: 26 weeks, 28 weeks, 32 weeks, 35, weeks, and delivery (but not anytime soon!).

Milestones: Getting to 24 weeks

Renewed Hope

How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! How great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand; when I awake, I am still with thee. (Psalm 139).

I am humbled, grateful, emotional, happy, delirious, nervous, in disbelief, over the moon... you name it, I'm feeling it. I am 24 weeks (actually 24 weeks, 2 days)! There is a plethora of emotions running through my head and heart. I am excited to be here and this pregnancy is becoming more real to me. During this moment of happiness, there is sadness as well. Sadness because I never got to experience this milestone with Alyssa-Joy or Evan. I am rejoicing, but the "if onlys" are lingering in the back of my mind.

I had my 24 week appointment yesterday and as usual, I was a nervous wreck! I did not leave my bed (thank heavens for holidays!) and spent the day researching. I wont say what, but I probably should stay away from the Internet.

At 3:00pm, we were sitting in the waiting room with our hearts in our hands anxious about what the appointment would reveal since it had been 4 weeks since our last cervical check.

These are the highlights from the appointment:

Weight - 188 (4lbs up from pre-pregnancy weight)

Blood pressure - 125/69

Baby's heart rate: 143bpm

Baby's weight: 1lb 7 oz (yikes!)

Cervical length measurement: 4.10cm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (last check was 4.03)

Precautions: Keep doing what I am doing, but relax just a little because we deserve it after all we have been through. The outcomes at this stage with this c/l is awesome compared to when we were at 20 weeks during the last pregnancy (dr's exact words).

Next appointment: Feb 15th, 2011

And for the moment we have all been waiting for...................................................................................

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Introducing our Gift from God:

Spencer Nathan W.

We have a renewed hope. The TAC is working and we are grateful we made the decision to have it done. I keep thinking "what if we had followed the consultant's recommendation and done another TVC?" Would we still be at this stage? Would I still be able to work? Would my cervix still be long and closed? We will never know, but we are thankful that the Lord led us to Dr. Rodriguez and we are excited to be living testimonies to his goodness!

We are telling our families today and tomorrow and are prepared to encounter some hurt feelings. We do no expect the news to be taken with happiness and sunshine, but I hope they understand why we chose to keep it quiet for so long. Wish us luck!

I cannot thank you enough, but THANK YOU for all the well wishes, thoughts, texts, and so on. And please, do not post on face.book until we tell our families.

Awaiting my expected end,

Marie

V - Eve

Anxiously awaiting midnight when we turn 24 weeks! Lounging in bed nervously counting down the hours, minutes, and seconds.........

Awaiting my expected end,

Marie

Two Questions

I was asked two questions this week from a non BLM when she heard my story. "How did you handle it? How do you do it?" I then asked her if she had time because my response was going to be long.

In the past, when someone asked me how I was I would respond with, "I'm ok". Simply because I did not want to go into details and dredge up the memories of my losses which in turn would drive me into a fit of tears. These days I find myself more vocal and willing to share my experiences with others. Not because I am looking for attention, but because I want others to know of the experience and in turn hopefully be able to help someone else.

A lot of other BLMs have echoed the same sentiments. They are more vocal, want to put a face to their loss(es) and want to hopefully help someone else. Gone are the days when we would hide out losses because we feared what others would think. Gone are the days when losing a baby was regarded as a disease and a plague to be caught. Gone are the days when losses were equated with the mother taking drugs, living in poverty, smoking, drinking, and all the misconceptions that accompany a loss.

Truthfully, I am still grieving over the loss of Alyssa-Joy and Evan. Yes, the pain is not as fresh and I am able to live my life without constantly breaking down. But a particular scent, passing a specific location, an article of clothing, seeing children who would be their age, so many more will bring back that fresh wave of grief to the surface. I am grateful for resources like this that connect so many women experiencing the same emotions as I am. It makes me feel...... normal. It makes me feel.... accepted.

Being pregnant again does not take away the pain as so many others think. Being pregnant reminds me of what could have been or what should have been. Every milestone that I am currently passing is like a knife in the heart and I find myself saying, "if only". Going day to day is a struggle. I find myself saying "If this happens, I will......." Right now I am simply hanging on by a thread. I am all too aware of every sensation that takes place "down there". Every unusual feeling or twinge in a moment of weakness I ask myself , "Is this it?". I won't sit her and lie. Yes, I know God. Yes, I trust him. Yes, I have hope, but it is a struggle and I am hanging on by a thread.

I give praises every morning when I wake and every night when I go to bed and I am still pregnant and upright. Is it tough? It sure is, but I take it one. moment. at. a. time.

How did I handle it?

1.) I cried

2.) I screamed

3.) I was in denial

4.) I was pissed

5.) I prayed every day

6.) I clung to my husband and family

7.) We went on a vacation to escape the memories

8.) I ignored people

9.) I ignored babies

10.) I pleaded with God for mercy

11.) I had hope

12.) I treasured the pictures I have

13.) I stared at the pictures everyday

How do you do it?

1.) I cried

2.) I screamed

3.) I was in denial

4.) I was pissed

5.) I prayed every day

6.) I clung to my husband and family

7.) We went on a vacation to escape the memories

8.) I ignored people

9.) I ignored babies

10.) I pleaded with God for mercy

11.) I had hope

12.) I treasured the pictures I have

13.) I stared at the pictures everyday

I do all these things and more every. single. day.

Awaiting my expected end,

Marie

New Chapter!!!!

The LORD hath done great things for us; whereof we are glad - Psalm 126:3

For the past two years I have been stuck in a rut (so to speak). The pregnancy "bible" also known as What to Expect When You're Expecting is used by many, kept in purses, on bedside tables and in cars. For some pregnant women it sits beside the actual Bible as it is that important. Since 2008, I have been unable to pass this chapter:

This morning, I woke up with a smile on my face. I looked over at Larry (bad breath, crusty eyes and all) and shouted "I CAN FINALLY TURN THE PAGE!!!!!!!!". For two years there has been a ratty pink post it on the new chapter (I removed it for the picture) and I have willed, begged, and prayed to get to this chapter:

He has done great things and we are eternally grateful! I am 23 weeks today and I am grateful! I have never been able to get to this chapter and to look at this page makes it real. Viability is now so close, I can smell it! I cannot wait to wake up next Sunday (Lord willing) and shout "WE MADE IT!!!!!!".

Thank you for all the prayers, words of encouragements and good wishes.

Awaiting my expected end,

Marie

Moody, Emotional, and Filled with Attitude

I finally spilled the beans to my principal. His response?

Mr. L : I already knew

Me: How did you know?

Mr. L: You have been extra vocal lately.

Me: I am always vocal!

Mr. L: Yea, but you are now moody, vocal with an attitude, and emotional.

Me: hmm.

I did ask him not to tell anyone, not even his assistant principal (she spilled the beans to the entire faculty when I was pregnant with Evan). He said it was not his place to tell, but he was surprised how long I kept it hidden and he did not push because he knew I would come to him when I was ready.

I decided to tell him because I had to explain why I kept leaving early for dr. appointments.

Apparently, the support leadership team has been trying to "figure" me out. These group of ladies (ESE specialist, Reading Specialist, Curriculum Specialist, Guidance Counselor, Assistant Principal - ALL chatter boxes) eat lunch together and I have been the topic of conversation for months. They *suspect*, but don't know for sure because apparently, I waddle, am limping, have a handicap sticker in my car, and have been giving an attitude when I am advocating for my students. Hmmm. I wasn't aware of that.

My principal did agree that I am a very private person and if I chose not to tell anyone then that was my business. I completely agree. I also told him that I had another 2-3 weeks in the danger zone before I felt comfortable enough to start telling/confirming it.

Moody, emotional and filled with attitude? Yup! Thats me!

Awaiting my expected end,

Marie

The Customary New Year's Post

I know, I'm a few days late but better late than never right? :-) I have been laying low for a few days (been forced actually). I am now 22 weeks, 1 day (praise God!) and my paranoid husband has been making me take it easy.

Last year, I claimed 2010 as the year of promises fulfilled. Though 2010 was rocky, promises were fulfilled.

1.) I was able to have my TAC placed

2.) Though hubby lost his job, he enrolled in school

3.) I have a smaller class size

4.) Even though we wanted to wait, I got pregnant while actively trying to avoid (still a blessing)

5.) My cervix has been holding and continues to hold even while I am still working

Even though there were some disappointments, the positives far outweighed the negatives.

This year, I am claiming 2011 as the year of Expected Ends. I am pretty sure you all already know my favorite scripture (Jeremiah 29:11) and the fact that it states he will give us an expected end. There are so many BLM's that are expecting their rainbows and have been trudging along with constant monitoring. There have also been some BFP's lately and I am praying that they also have an uneventful pregnancy. Sure, the nervousness is still there, in fact it never goes away even after the baby is born I'm told. Promises are being fulfilled for many and I am praying that promises come to fruition for those of you still waiting. Whether your expected end comes with a pregnancy resulting in a full term birth, peace reigning in your hearts, successful adoptions, marriages mended, families mended and so on. I know what I am hoping for this year.

I am entering this new year filled with expectations and positive vibes. I hope you all join me on this journey of positive thinking.

Awaiting my expected end,

Marie