Worries

Hello ladies!

As many of you know, I am a member of an Incompetent Cervix Support Group. In the past few months, we have had a lot of BFPs and pregnancies that are going great with the help of a cerclage. However, we have also had 4 more losses (2 related to a failed cerclage, 1 an infant death, and another due to infection), and a few ladies who are struggling to hold on to hope. My heart grieves and even though I know everyone is different, I can't help but wonder if I will be one of the unlucky few. I know in my heart that if I trust God and be proactive, my outcome will be different, but the worry is always there.
Some of the things I worry about are change in cervical length, funneling, pre-term labor, hospital bedrest and another loss. I don't think I would ever be able to endure another loss. Though my worries are unfounded they are there none the less.

Every time another member experiences a loss, I go through their history to see what and if there are any similarities in their backgrounds and mine. I know, I am a little paranoid, but I cannot help it. I am a healthy 25 year old, I have never had an abortion, D&C, cone biopsy, leep procedure or any procedure other than a pap smear. My entire sexual history has only been wih my husband, so how weak can my cervix be????????

I have become a fear-filled, paranoid, hypochondriac. Every time the fear rises to the surface, I find myself reciting the scripture that says " for God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind"; It also does not help that it is the summer and my mind is going a mile a minute. During the days, I find myself searching the scriptures asking God to give me peace. The latest one I found was - Philippians 4:7 - And the peace of the Lord which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Jesus Christ.

I know I should not doubt God as he promised me that he will keep me in perfect peace as long as my mind is stayed on him, but every time I hear bad news, the doubt and fear surfaces. I have tried staying away from the forum but I seem to be addicted!
Am I crazy???? Is there anyone that can ease my mind???? I have heard the success stories and they give me hope, but the few that fail makes me quiver in fear. HELP save my sanity!!!!

Awaiting my expected end.

Meet...

My dad. Ronald aka Ron (and my step-mom). At the age of 6, my two sisters, brother and I lost our mom to Ovarian Cancer. This man stepped up to the plate, worked two jobs (a Soldier and drove a cab in his spare time) to provide for his family. He counseled us, disciplined us, went to school events, but most of all love us. We can always count on him to be there in times of sadness, plenty and want. He was by my side while I was delivering AJ, crying with me and encouraging me. I have seen my father cry, but never like he cried that day. He cried because he was losing his first grandchild, but he cried the hardest because he knew I was in pain and suffering.
I can always count on this man. He pushed all his children to get college degrees and strive for the highest. Having only an 8th grade education, he joined the army at 17. He worked hard and sent all of us to private schools and encouraged us when we struggled. It is because of this man why I am the way I am today. He made sure we were always in church even though he was mad at God for asking his wife.
I love this man to death and always ask God to make him live forever.

MEET.....



Larry. My husband. The father of my child. My "baby daddy". My rib. My strength. The love of my life. What can I say about this man? The one who provides just I can stay home and be bored in the summer. The one who listens to my complaints, wipes away my tears, cries with me, and loves me for me. He never once said anything was my fault, he just held me and comforted me. I could never go through what I went through without him and I'm glad he was the one the lord gave me to experience this life with.
He is an amazing father to his children, he is a great son, boss and friend.

Happy Father's Day to the two most important men in my life.

Awaiting my expected end.

I Understand!

Hey gang!

I have never battled infertility (maybe bad timing) and always wondered what it was, how you got it, how it could be explained and the whole shebang. Even though I have wondered, I have never researched, as I figured I had nothing to worry about. With most of my friends in "blogland battling" this devastating factor, I must say I am curious.

This summer, having nothing to do, and watching lots of mindless tv, I am drawn to the channel Discovery Health. A midday show known as Baby Lab which features everyday people battling infertility (people from all walks of life) getting help from Dr. Silver ( a renowned fertility expert). I have cried, rejoiced, crossed my fingers, sat on the edge of my seat, cried some more and thanked God for my blessings.
This program walks you through the various stages (and it is quite a few stages) that many couples go through to get pregnant.

Ladies, hats off to you. You have earned my respect, my love, my prayers. It is a long and worrisome journey that many of you go through to achieve your dream. I understand and I salute you. I see what you go through and my heart aches along with yours. For every injection you get, I feel for you. For every disappointment you face, I cry with you. For every egg retrieval you go through and bea testing you do, I hold my breath along with you.

Through this program, I also learned it is quite expensive. Though I may not be able to assist you financially, I can offer you my prayers. Hopefully this is enough.
Ladies, you are all in my prayers as we travel this journey together. Do not think that you are alone. You have a friend in Florida hoping, praying, and crying with you. Though each experience is personal, as women we share a bond and my heart aches along with yours.

I have heard many ladies battling this condition that they cannot talk to their friends as they do not understand. I have heard many women say that they get unwanted advice about what to eat, to just relax, that once you stop trying it will happen. Well ladies, I have no advice to offer, but just know I UNDERSTAND.
Praying for you always.

Awaiting my expected end.

Lazy days of summer

Hey gang! I know its been a while since my last post. (Jeez its been that long????). Nothing has happened. I have still been keeping up with your posts and I promise to create at least one post a day.

Summer is here and I am bored stiff! I look forward to summer and every year I get bored. My day goes something like this:
Watch TV, read, sleep, watch tv, read, sleep. Fun huh??
Not much has happened lately, but have been reading a lot of good news (Alyson, sweetpeanme). I am so happy for the paths that you are traveling and wish that all goes well in the coming months. I pray that pretty soon you both will get your BFP's.

I am running now, but I will post more later. I have a few things I want to share.
Toodles! Enjoying the summer sun in Florida
Marie

Awaiting my expected end.

Giving Myself Away

The praise team sang this song during praise and worship this morning and my heart was touched. Even though I am a christian, I can honestly say that I have problems with this. It is good to examine yourself from time to time and see where you lack or your weaknesses lie. I tell myself all the time that I am trusting him, but often find myself questioning that. Even though I tell myself that I am giving him control, there are times that "what ifs" and worries rise to the surface. After hearing this song, I asked for forgiveness.

This song truly means giving myself wholly and completely to him. It means letting go of all my fears and offering up every situation to him. I am not going to lie, it really is hard, but today I profess to give myself, my future, my family, my finances, completely to him so that HE can use me to his glory and his will. Even if the outcome is not how I want it to be, I am going to trust that he knows best.

Lord, forgive me for doubting you. You remind me of your presence by revealing your self and your promises in the most unimaginable way. Your thoughts for me are for peace and love, but your promises may not mesh with mine. Lord help me to trust you completely. Remind me that nothing you do in life is a mistake. You orchestrated every detail, success and loss. Though I may never understand your thinking, I know that you desire good for me and nothing good will you withhold. Help me to give myself away to you Lord, and know that you will be exalted in the end.

I hope this song is a blessing to you as it is to me.



I Give Myself Away by William McDowell

Chorus:
I give myself away
I give myself away
So You can use me
I give myself away
I give myself away
So You can use me

Verse 1:
Here I am
Here I stand
Lord, my life is in your hands
Lord, I’m longing to see
Your desires revealed in me
I give myself away

Verse 2:
Take my heart
Take my life
As a living sacrifice
All my dreams all my plans
Lord I place them in your hands

Bridge:
My life is not my own
To you I belong
I give myself, I give myself to you

Awaiting my expected end.

Still here!

Hey gang! I know it's been a while since I last posted. I have been under the weather lately (understated), and had to go in the hospital to have a minor procedure done. This kept me off line and out of the picture as I was stuck in bed. Let me tell you, bedrest is no joke, even if its for a short time. Your mind goes a mile a minute and all your worries and insecurities rise to the surface. I also learned that TV is mindless..... I did get some insightful posts though.

I guess all my positive thoughts while on bedrest paid off - I got an AWARD! Thanks Kelli!



Here are the rules...

1. When given the award, you write about seven things that you love.

2. Pass the award to seven bloggers that you love, and be sure to tag them and let them know they've won. (You can copy the award and post it on your sideboard.)

Things I love
1. My hubby and angel baby - I cannot tell how much I love my hubby! I never thought that I would meet such an awesome man. but God blessed me with a knight.
Alyssa-Joy is close and dear to my heart. Though she is no longer here, she is never far from my mind or heart.

2. My family - I have 3 awesome sisters, a brother, a dad and step-mom. I would kill for these people (seriously). Mess with my family; you mess with me, My dad raised us alone for 7 years after my mom died. He worked two jobs, sacrificed for us, and still managed to be there for school events. My step-mom came along later in life and the first few years were rough, but now we are great friends.

3. My job - I am a special needs teacher working with students with a myriad of learning disabilities. I love what I do and look forward to going to work. I love seeing my students finally "get" something after struggling, I love seeing them persevere despite their disability, and I love that they live up to my HIGH expectations.I believe that every child can learn as long as hey put their mind to it.

4. Pink - I love the color pink. I have pink everything! If my bedroom, bathroom and house could be pink, I would have them that way. Being married to a blue guy, puts a damper on my plans :-(

5. Books - Sitting on my back porch or lounging by the pool and reading a book is heaven! I could sit there all day and go through at least 3 books in 18 hours. This is what I do in the summers. I cannot wait.

6. Shoes - I am a girl aren't I? I have so many shoes that hubby has no space in the closet. Heels, flats, wedges, boots, you name them, I got them. Price??? Does not matter as long as they are cute. I prefer shopping for shoes than clothes. After all no dressing rooms needed.

7. God - His perfect number, I am in awe daily of his awesomeness. He is never far from me and when I least expect it, he surprises me. I could not go through this world not knowing him.


Bloggers I love and look forward to reading.
1. Alana
2. Jen-Jen
3. Baby Mama
4.Sweet pea n me
5. Alyson
6. Monica H.
7. Bluebird

Real Housewives

Does anyone watch this series? I must say I watched the OC version, the New York version and the Atlanta version. At first it was entertaining and was god for some mindless viewing (you know to give the brain a nap after a long day of work). I saw the New Jersey version last night and I was so disgusted I switched the channel half way through. These women (or at least the show is) are portraying themselves to be catty, low-classed, and very aggressive. They did not present themselves as role models. What would possess you to go on national tv that is being broadcasted across the nation and portray yourself that way? I truly hope hat they are no a reflection of the New Jersey community.

This got me thinking. What makes them a Real Housewife? Is it because they have children? Money? A big house? A spouse? What is a real housewife? Do you have to stay home to be considered a housewife? I consider myself a housewife even though I work. I cook, clean, do the laundry, take care of my hubby's needs (which are many!- run his errands, pay his bills, make doctors appointments, pick up his meds, etc.). What do yo consider a housewife? Are we as working women looked down on because we do not stay home? Because we are not Mrs. Cleaver?

In times past, a housewife was one who stayed home, cleaned everyday, cooked 3 times a day, Ironed clothing to a crisp, mowed the lawn, painted the house, fed the baby while vacuuming, and still had her hair perfectly coiffed, clothing free of seams, a string of pearls around her neck, and 4 inch heels. These women on the Real Housewives displays none of the characteristics. During each season, I can count on both hands and feet how many have nannies, buy mindless things, belittle each other, are intolerant and spread rumors.
I believe the definition of a real housewife should evolve as the world changes. Does that mean that these women are included in his category? In defining what a real wife is, I refer to the word.
Proverbs 31; 10-31 (New Century Version)
10. It is hard to find a good wife, because she is worth more than rubies.
11. Her husband trusts her completely. With her, he has everything he needs.
12. She does him good and not harm for as long as she lives.
13. She looks for wool and flax and likes to work with her hands.
14. She is like a trader's ship bringing food from far away.
15. She gets up while it is still dark and prepares food her family and feeds her servant girls.
16. She inspects a field and buys it. With money she earned, she plants a vineyard.
17. She does her work with energy and her arms are strong.
18. She knows that what she makes is good. Her lamp burns in the night.
19. She makes thread with her hands and weaves her own cloth.
20. She welcomes the poor and helps the needy.
21. She does not worry about her family when it snows, because they all have fine clothes to keep them warm.
22. She makes coverings for herself; her clothes are made of linen and other expensive material.
23. Her husband is known at the city meetings where he makes decisions as one of the leaders of the land.
24. She makes linen clothes and sells them and provides belts to the merchants.
25. She is strong and respected by the people. She looks forward to the future with joy.
26. She speaks wise words and encourages others to be kind.
27. She watches over her family and never wastes her time.
28. Her children speak highly of her. Her husband also praises her;
29. Saying, "There are many fine women, but you are better that all of them".
30. Charm can fool you and beauty can trick you, but a woman who respects the Lord should be praised.
31. Give her the reward she has earned. She should be praised in public for what she has done.

Do these women fit into this category. Parts of them, but they need to work on the being kind part, and showing themselves favorable so women can respect them. Those of us who work hard, give of ourselves, love the Lord, and still find time to tend to our families, we are REAL HOUSEWIVES.

What do you think about this show? What does the term real housewife mean to you?

Awaiting my expected end.