I call them tentative, because God's time is not my time. I will have my TAC (hopefully) done in December. Hubby does not even want to wait a whole year like I was planning (again, there I go with the planning). He wants to start trying again as soon as we get the green light. As for me, I am still praying about it.
In the meantime, I have compiled a list of things to get done while waiting for God's will. I can plan all I want, but He has the final say.
1.) Get fit (I still have the 20lb baby weight that I never lost)
2.) Pay off our one Credit Card (Thankfully it is not much)
3.) Refinance my car, and get a lower payment
4.) Begin house hunting
5.) Research options (rent the condo or sell it)
6.) Get the TAC (VERY IMPORTANT)
7.) Eat healthier (I LOVE white bread)
8.) Go back to school (starting in the Spring)
9.) Start and complete my National Boards
10.)Find affordable insurance for Newborns (the cost for putting a child on my own is astronomical!)
11.) Stop thinking of everything that can go wrong and focus on the positive
12.) Pray more
13.) Read mY Bible more
14.) Show appreciation to my husband more
15.) Work on further strengthening our Marriage (It never hurts to draw closer to each other more)
Again, these are tentative. Who knows what the Lord has in store, but I welcome it with open arms.
Where is my expected end?
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Saturday, November 7, 2009
If You Have Nothing To Say........
Why do people think hey always know the right thing to say? Do they not think before they speak? Do they reflect on what they say after they have said it?
Unfortunately, I was not blessed with the greatest of inlaws, but they are all christians and think they know it all. Face.Book is a great social network, but it can be a curse as well. We all know that FB gives us the opportunity to express what we are doing or how we are feeling at the moment. We are free to put whatever we want on our page, because it is our page, and frankly if people don't want o read or see whe we have put up, they can click the X a the top of the page and log off.
I posted this on my status yesterday: Marie W is thinking of stepping out on faith and buying those plane tickets even though the insurance co. has not called me back. Hmmm.
My SIL responds with: Yes.....faith "IS" the "SUBSTANCE" of "THINGS" hoped 4! When ur going after it just remember that's the same faith that can get u ur healing! Love u sis!
We have had the discussion of "healing" several times. I know that God answers prayers and is able to change the very impossible. I have been witness to it, I have seen it, and it has happened in my life several times. When he heals and steps in, my faith is renewed a thousand times more. We are aware as well, that he does not always answer prayers in the way we want him to. He will eventually answer your prayer, but it may be in a way that will be a blessing to us, and a blessing to his glory.
When faced with the knowledge that we may lose our babies, we pray without ceasing. The entire time that I was on bedrest, I prayed healing over my cervix several times a day. It may take years for me to understand why he did not answer my prayer, but I know he did what was best,
Saying this, I prayed for healing and it did not happen. I have accepted that my eventual healing is going to take some other form aka TAC. My SIL is adamant that all I have to do is pray and the Lord will heal if I only have faith. I did have faith, but no healing came.
Does this mean, I did not pray enough? Does this mean I did not have enough faith?
People need to make sure that they are aware of every situation before they jump to conclusions. I know the comment was not meant maliciously, but do not say that to a bereaved parent who prayed often when pregnant. I know I may be reading too much into it, but for some reason this comment aggravated me.
Sorry if I am rambling. I just had to get it out.
Where is my expected end?
Unfortunately, I was not blessed with the greatest of inlaws, but they are all christians and think they know it all. Face.Book is a great social network, but it can be a curse as well. We all know that FB gives us the opportunity to express what we are doing or how we are feeling at the moment. We are free to put whatever we want on our page, because it is our page, and frankly if people don't want o read or see whe we have put up, they can click the X a the top of the page and log off.
I posted this on my status yesterday: Marie W is thinking of stepping out on faith and buying those plane tickets even though the insurance co. has not called me back. Hmmm.
My SIL responds with: Yes.....faith "IS" the "SUBSTANCE" of "THINGS" hoped 4! When ur going after it just remember that's the same faith that can get u ur healing! Love u sis!
We have had the discussion of "healing" several times. I know that God answers prayers and is able to change the very impossible. I have been witness to it, I have seen it, and it has happened in my life several times. When he heals and steps in, my faith is renewed a thousand times more. We are aware as well, that he does not always answer prayers in the way we want him to. He will eventually answer your prayer, but it may be in a way that will be a blessing to us, and a blessing to his glory.
When faced with the knowledge that we may lose our babies, we pray without ceasing. The entire time that I was on bedrest, I prayed healing over my cervix several times a day. It may take years for me to understand why he did not answer my prayer, but I know he did what was best,
Saying this, I prayed for healing and it did not happen. I have accepted that my eventual healing is going to take some other form aka TAC. My SIL is adamant that all I have to do is pray and the Lord will heal if I only have faith. I did have faith, but no healing came.
Does this mean, I did not pray enough? Does this mean I did not have enough faith?
People need to make sure that they are aware of every situation before they jump to conclusions. I know the comment was not meant maliciously, but do not say that to a bereaved parent who prayed often when pregnant. I know I may be reading too much into it, but for some reason this comment aggravated me.
Sorry if I am rambling. I just had to get it out.
Where is my expected end?
Friday, November 6, 2009
Secret Garden Meeting -October
October's meeting is a little late. Two of the moderators have either given birth or is about to give birth.
Welcome to the garden. A place that is only open for bereaved parents. It is our garden, our secret place to come to. A place to remember our children with those who understand us. It is a place to just be, without worry or fear of not being accepted. May you feel safe to share your hearts here in the garden.
So this meeting we would like to talk about where you are. Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?
Well, it has been 11 months, 1 week and 1 day since we lost Alyssa-Joy, and 3 months, 1 week and 5 days since we lost Evan. Some days I am ok, and other days the grief hits me like a Semi lowing into a tree. When I think I am almost over it, a new wave of grief hits me. I thought it would have gotten easier after the second loss, but in fact t has gotten worse.
Experts outline the stages of grief, but we all know grief does not follow a pattern. I never experienced denial, but go from accepting it to back to feeling guilty.
I do not know what the future holds, but I do hope the pain becomes bearable. In fact, I know I know it will be. When that will be, I don't know, but it will happen.
I have found some peace. I know who my redeemer is, and I know he desires good for me. I also know where my babies are. They are in a place where they will never feel pain, or experience hurt and disappointment. They are resting in the arms of our Savior, and being spoiled by their grandmother. I look forward to seeing them again.
I don't think I will ever have total peace until I meet my babies again, but I have the peace he gives me.
Where is my expected end?
Welcome to the garden. A place that is only open for bereaved parents. It is our garden, our secret place to come to. A place to remember our children with those who understand us. It is a place to just be, without worry or fear of not being accepted. May you feel safe to share your hearts here in the garden.
So this meeting we would like to talk about where you are. Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?
Well, it has been 11 months, 1 week and 1 day since we lost Alyssa-Joy, and 3 months, 1 week and 5 days since we lost Evan. Some days I am ok, and other days the grief hits me like a Semi lowing into a tree. When I think I am almost over it, a new wave of grief hits me. I thought it would have gotten easier after the second loss, but in fact t has gotten worse.
Experts outline the stages of grief, but we all know grief does not follow a pattern. I never experienced denial, but go from accepting it to back to feeling guilty.
I do not know what the future holds, but I do hope the pain becomes bearable. In fact, I know I know it will be. When that will be, I don't know, but it will happen.
I have found some peace. I know who my redeemer is, and I know he desires good for me. I also know where my babies are. They are in a place where they will never feel pain, or experience hurt and disappointment. They are resting in the arms of our Savior, and being spoiled by their grandmother. I look forward to seeing them again.
I don't think I will ever have total peace until I meet my babies again, but I have the peace he gives me.
Where is my expected end?
Thursday, November 5, 2009
I believe
I have been thinking about Psalm 37:4 lately. So simple, yet profound and reminds me of his promises.
Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.
I know when many people have experienced loss or struggle to conceive, they wonder if this scripture rings true. When I lost AJ and Evan, I doubted this scripture. I was mad at God (I did not hate him though) and angry that he did not keep his word. I still struggle with this today. Thank God I am not perfect and as my sister tells me often; he can handle it.
After the second loss, I asked myself' "why did he not fulfill this desire? Am I not worth it? Do I not deserve to have happiness?" How is it that the women who are not the best, are the ones who quickly get pregnant and carry to term with no problems? When I say women, I am referring to the ones that abuse drugs, their children, their bodies, and intentionally mistreat the children they have. Why is it that if he will fulfill the desires of my heart, do I have to struggle so much? That I have to worry and fret? That I can only look longingly at pregnant bellies and newborn babies? Why? Why? Why?
Even though I think these thoughts daily, I still know that he desires good for me. I see the everyday blessing that I have. My supportive husband, my wonderful family, a job I love, blessings on every side. I have to believe that he will fulfill the desires of my heart. I reflect and remind myself that the road to my expected end may be filled with problems, road blocks,and detours, but with perseverance, faith, and keeping my eyes on the prize, I will get there.
Though the pain is unbearable and it hurts to no end, I KNOW that if these desires came without road blocks, I would not be as appreciative or be the best mom. I would not be the wife I am, the daughter I am, or the sister I am. I would never have known how awesome my husband is, or what a wonderful family I have. I would also never know who my REAL friends are.
Because I have experienced great loss, I already appreciate and look forward to what will be. One day, I know he will give me peace. It may not be today or tomorrow, but someday. He will not let me live my entire life without fulfilling my greatest desire.
I know he is preparing me for something great. When that will be, I never know - it is all in his timing. All I can do (since it is out of my control) is to trust him wholly. No one knows that this is harder to do that myself, but I am going to try my hardest to leave it up to him.
I have friends who are struggling to conceive. If I can leave anything with them, all I can say is, it is coming. When? I have no idea. Part of my stepping out on faith is preparing myself for what is to be - I hope you do the same. I am waiting on my future children and while waiting, I am getting things ready for them. I have started getting my finances in order (paying off credit card bills -thankfully it is not much) putting up my Condo for rent and looking for a house, buying Christmas stockings that read "our soon to be", researching insurance options and so on.
I tell him daily what that desire is and pray over it. I wrote this desire on a post-it note and stuck it in my Bible (I will share this in another post). Every time I go to read my Bible, I will see it and it will remind me to pray without ceasing. After all, isn't this how I got my husband?
In 2004 I decided that I would stop dating mindlessly. I decided that if I were going to date someone, he would be the one I would marry. I attended a Singles Conference and the speaker reminded us to tell God what we wanted.
During that conference, I pulled out a sheet of paper and wrote the things I wanted in a husband (I will share that list another day). I kept it there and I prayed over it every time I read my Bible. This list kept me on the straight and narrow, especially when I felt lonely. While waiting on the man who would be my husband, I prepared myself. I finished my degree, got a Masters, got my finances in order, paid off my car, and bought our Condo. I kept myself busy and close to God. Before you know it, he brought this wonderful man in my life when I least expected it.
I told you this story to say, I believed then, and I will believe now.
This is me believing and stepping out on faith. I encourage you all to do the same. I choose to believe that he will fulfill the desires of my heart. Continue to keep me in your prayers ladies, and I will do the same.
Where is my expected end?
Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.
I know when many people have experienced loss or struggle to conceive, they wonder if this scripture rings true. When I lost AJ and Evan, I doubted this scripture. I was mad at God (I did not hate him though) and angry that he did not keep his word. I still struggle with this today. Thank God I am not perfect and as my sister tells me often; he can handle it.
After the second loss, I asked myself' "why did he not fulfill this desire? Am I not worth it? Do I not deserve to have happiness?" How is it that the women who are not the best, are the ones who quickly get pregnant and carry to term with no problems? When I say women, I am referring to the ones that abuse drugs, their children, their bodies, and intentionally mistreat the children they have. Why is it that if he will fulfill the desires of my heart, do I have to struggle so much? That I have to worry and fret? That I can only look longingly at pregnant bellies and newborn babies? Why? Why? Why?
Even though I think these thoughts daily, I still know that he desires good for me. I see the everyday blessing that I have. My supportive husband, my wonderful family, a job I love, blessings on every side. I have to believe that he will fulfill the desires of my heart. I reflect and remind myself that the road to my expected end may be filled with problems, road blocks,and detours, but with perseverance, faith, and keeping my eyes on the prize, I will get there.
Though the pain is unbearable and it hurts to no end, I KNOW that if these desires came without road blocks, I would not be as appreciative or be the best mom. I would not be the wife I am, the daughter I am, or the sister I am. I would never have known how awesome my husband is, or what a wonderful family I have. I would also never know who my REAL friends are.
Because I have experienced great loss, I already appreciate and look forward to what will be. One day, I know he will give me peace. It may not be today or tomorrow, but someday. He will not let me live my entire life without fulfilling my greatest desire.
I know he is preparing me for something great. When that will be, I never know - it is all in his timing. All I can do (since it is out of my control) is to trust him wholly. No one knows that this is harder to do that myself, but I am going to try my hardest to leave it up to him.
I have friends who are struggling to conceive. If I can leave anything with them, all I can say is, it is coming. When? I have no idea. Part of my stepping out on faith is preparing myself for what is to be - I hope you do the same. I am waiting on my future children and while waiting, I am getting things ready for them. I have started getting my finances in order (paying off credit card bills -thankfully it is not much) putting up my Condo for rent and looking for a house, buying Christmas stockings that read "our soon to be", researching insurance options and so on.
I tell him daily what that desire is and pray over it. I wrote this desire on a post-it note and stuck it in my Bible (I will share this in another post). Every time I go to read my Bible, I will see it and it will remind me to pray without ceasing. After all, isn't this how I got my husband?
In 2004 I decided that I would stop dating mindlessly. I decided that if I were going to date someone, he would be the one I would marry. I attended a Singles Conference and the speaker reminded us to tell God what we wanted.
During that conference, I pulled out a sheet of paper and wrote the things I wanted in a husband (I will share that list another day). I kept it there and I prayed over it every time I read my Bible. This list kept me on the straight and narrow, especially when I felt lonely. While waiting on the man who would be my husband, I prepared myself. I finished my degree, got a Masters, got my finances in order, paid off my car, and bought our Condo. I kept myself busy and close to God. Before you know it, he brought this wonderful man in my life when I least expected it.
I told you this story to say, I believed then, and I will believe now.
This is me believing and stepping out on faith. I encourage you all to do the same. I choose to believe that he will fulfill the desires of my heart. Continue to keep me in your prayers ladies, and I will do the same.
Where is my expected end?
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
All Alone/Students/NaBloPoMo
This Month I am participating in the National Blog Posting Month. All it requires is making a committment to posing every day for the entire month of November. That should not be such a hard task now should it? I will try my best to have a variety of posts, especially this week since I have so much free time. If you want to join, simply click here and register.
Well, hubby is traveling for work until Monday and I am all alone. Ever since I lost my babies I have become a homebody. Seriously, he has only been gone for 2 days and I am bored out of mind! I am reading and even cooking! Any suggestions on what I can do?? I have no responsibilities this week, and have no idea what to do. Any suggestions?
As you all know, I work with children, and they really say the darndest things. During my reading group today, I had a student stop me to say, Mrs. R-W, you will make a good mom! Then he came up and hugged me. Tears came to my eyes and I quickly blinked them away. It seems the Lord really knows when to send someone to say the right thing. I heart my students :-)
Where is my expected end?
Well, hubby is traveling for work until Monday and I am all alone. Ever since I lost my babies I have become a homebody. Seriously, he has only been gone for 2 days and I am bored out of mind! I am reading and even cooking! Any suggestions on what I can do?? I have no responsibilities this week, and have no idea what to do. Any suggestions?
As you all know, I work with children, and they really say the darndest things. During my reading group today, I had a student stop me to say, Mrs. R-W, you will make a good mom! Then he came up and hugged me. Tears came to my eyes and I quickly blinked them away. It seems the Lord really knows when to send someone to say the right thing. I heart my students :-)
Where is my expected end?
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
A Step in the Right DIrection
Well, Kay called me back and let me know the ball will soon be rolling. She spoke to D (the lady at my Primary Dr.'s office) who said she is just waiting on someone from Dr. D's office to fax the confirmation to her and then the claim should be submitted. I called Dr. D and let him know and he said he would get that done today. I am glad that something can be done.
Thanks Jess for suggesting that I call Kay's supervisor and give a glowing recommendation - I will definitely do that! It gives me hope that there are people out there who are willing to listen and assist as needed. I told Kay that from now on, she is on speed dial. She also suggested that Dr. D still call and speak to the Medical DIrector and let him/her know how important this procedure is and what it entails.
Once everything is submitted, it should take about 2 weeks to get everything settled - hopefully I can still find cheap plane tickets then.
Thanks for all the prayers and comments - I felt them and they were much appreciated. I am grateful for all of you.
Where is my expected end?
Thanks Jess for suggesting that I call Kay's supervisor and give a glowing recommendation - I will definitely do that! It gives me hope that there are people out there who are willing to listen and assist as needed. I told Kay that from now on, she is on speed dial. She also suggested that Dr. D still call and speak to the Medical DIrector and let him/her know how important this procedure is and what it entails.
Once everything is submitted, it should take about 2 weeks to get everything settled - hopefully I can still find cheap plane tickets then.
Thanks for all the prayers and comments - I felt them and they were much appreciated. I am grateful for all of you.
Where is my expected end?
Monday, November 2, 2009
Baffled!
Hello ladies,
I got up this morning ready for war! I packed up the urns, my grievance letter, and pictures and headed to work. I had decided yesterday that I was going to speak to V.ista before heading down there. I called again this morning and was transferred to someone else (I dislike getting the run around). She saw in her notes that Kay said to transfer me when I called in. Unfortunately she was helping another client. The lady that I spoke to said that the only reason that they would deny such a medically necessary procedure was if the Dr. did not submit enough information. I asked her if there was anything she recommended and she suggested asking the Dr. to call the medical director at V.ista. I already knew this, because Jess had given me some great advice - THANKS JESS!!!).
I then called Dr. D. and left a message for him to call me back.
Luckily, I had a very light class load today (3 grade levels had field trips - thus, I only had one class and was just catching up on paperwork, grading papers, doing Individualized Education Plans, etc.) and could have my phone on.
K called me back around 12:30 to let me know she had not forgotten me. Again, I asked her if there was anything I could do on my end, and she said no. She is trying to avoid me having to file a grievance which takes months to resolve. She asked for the procedure code, Dr.'s name, and name of the procedure. She did some digging and found no notes in her database showing that the procedure was denied or even submitted. I am completely baffled!
She asked for Dr. D's contact info and said she would call him. When she learned he was out of network, she said that could be a reason. Apparently, he cannot request authorization as he is out of network. My Primary Care Dr. has to be the one request authorization for Dr. D. to do the procedure. Please remember, that I knew all this from speaking to the V.ista months before. the reason why Dr. D submitted the request was because the lady in my Dr.'s office had no clue. Hopefully when K calls them, she is able to point them in the right direction. She promises to call the Dr.'s office as soon as they open (they have lunch from 12-2).
So for now, I wait and hold off on paying V.ista a visit. Wish me luck ladies!
This weekend while cleaning (I do my best thinking then), I thought about going to the media. On our local News Station, there is a segment known as Help Me Howard. Howard, features stories on individuals and helps to find solutions. Usually, companies highlighted, do not like the negative publicity and usually comply with the individuals needs.
I was actually thinking that this would make a great "sob story". "Poor teacher that works with special needs students, lost two babies and cannot afford to pay out of pocket for a necessary procedure, and insurance is refusing to pay". What a great story that would be! Prayerfully, It won't have to come to that.
I will keep you all posted.
Where is my expected end?
I got up this morning ready for war! I packed up the urns, my grievance letter, and pictures and headed to work. I had decided yesterday that I was going to speak to V.ista before heading down there. I called again this morning and was transferred to someone else (I dislike getting the run around). She saw in her notes that Kay said to transfer me when I called in. Unfortunately she was helping another client. The lady that I spoke to said that the only reason that they would deny such a medically necessary procedure was if the Dr. did not submit enough information. I asked her if there was anything she recommended and she suggested asking the Dr. to call the medical director at V.ista. I already knew this, because Jess had given me some great advice - THANKS JESS!!!).
I then called Dr. D. and left a message for him to call me back.
Luckily, I had a very light class load today (3 grade levels had field trips - thus, I only had one class and was just catching up on paperwork, grading papers, doing Individualized Education Plans, etc.) and could have my phone on.
K called me back around 12:30 to let me know she had not forgotten me. Again, I asked her if there was anything I could do on my end, and she said no. She is trying to avoid me having to file a grievance which takes months to resolve. She asked for the procedure code, Dr.'s name, and name of the procedure. She did some digging and found no notes in her database showing that the procedure was denied or even submitted. I am completely baffled!
She asked for Dr. D's contact info and said she would call him. When she learned he was out of network, she said that could be a reason. Apparently, he cannot request authorization as he is out of network. My Primary Care Dr. has to be the one request authorization for Dr. D. to do the procedure. Please remember, that I knew all this from speaking to the V.ista months before. the reason why Dr. D submitted the request was because the lady in my Dr.'s office had no clue. Hopefully when K calls them, she is able to point them in the right direction. She promises to call the Dr.'s office as soon as they open (they have lunch from 12-2).
So for now, I wait and hold off on paying V.ista a visit. Wish me luck ladies!
This weekend while cleaning (I do my best thinking then), I thought about going to the media. On our local News Station, there is a segment known as Help Me Howard. Howard, features stories on individuals and helps to find solutions. Usually, companies highlighted, do not like the negative publicity and usually comply with the individuals needs.
I was actually thinking that this would make a great "sob story". "Poor teacher that works with special needs students, lost two babies and cannot afford to pay out of pocket for a necessary procedure, and insurance is refusing to pay". What a great story that would be! Prayerfully, It won't have to come to that.
I will keep you all posted.
Where is my expected end?
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