Burning Bright!

My candles were lit in memory of my babies and all the babies gone too soon. Until we meet again my sweethearts. I remember you not just today, but everyday.











Where is my expected end?

For my babies and blog sisters who have lost as well....

Know that I am thinking of you today. My candle is ready and waiting to be lit. I wore my butterfly pins today and was not surprised by the amount of comments I received. Many of my colleagues were not even aware of today. I will post tomorrow highlighting my pins and the burning candles.

To uplift me today, my twin sister sent me this scripture. I am sharing it with you and I hope it uplifts you too.
Thanks sis!

And the Lord answered me and said, "Write the vision, and make it plain upon tables, that he may run that readeth it. For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end, it shall speak, and not lie. Though it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry". (Habakkuk 2:2)
Today for my angels Alyssa-Joy and Evan. Gone but definitely not forgotten.

I wish today was a day we all did not know about, but please know that through all the hurt and pain, our expected end is on its way. Thinking of you all.

Where is my expected end?

Wont you please, light a candle with me? - Facebook Note

This is the note I created on Face.Book encouraging everyone to light a candle and remember our babies for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness. Instead of writing a new post and blubbering while writing, I will just copy and paste.
Please light a candle with me tomorrow night in memory of my babies - I will be doing the same for all of you.

Face.Book Note

Did you know that by 20 weeks gestation, a baby has already developed his brain, heart, finger and hand prints, and fat cells?
Did you know that by 20 weeks, a baby is swallowing?
Did you know that if a baby is born at 20 weeks, you have to physically deliver him/her?
Did you that when delivering that baby you are taken to labor and delivery?
Do you know how it feels to hear newborn babies crying around you, when you are delivering a baby that will not survive?
Did you know that a baby born at 20 weeks, is born alive, but dies within minutes or hours from the lungs not being fully developed?
Did you know that after delivering said baby, your milk comes in?
Do you know how it feels to have your baby kick you one last time before being delivered, and you KNOW that it is the last time you will feel him/her kick?
Did you know that a baby born at 20 weeks is recognized, must be named, and buried/cremated?
Do you know that having an extremely premature baby changes you forever?
Do you know how it feels to be known as a "dead baby mama"?
Do you know how it feels to go through it twice?
Do you know how it feels to miss someone so bad before you even got to know them?

This is the reality of many women. If you take a survey, you will find many women who have lost. It is a taboo subject as many expect you to get over it and move on. Knowing this, many do not share their experience of loss as many consider it macabre. This is MY reality as well.

This time last year, I knew nothing about Thursday October 15th. It is now a day that is forever engraved in my memory. We all know someone who has had a miscarriage, a stillbirth, or have an infant die. This day is known as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

My name is Marie, I am 25 years old and have lost TWO 20 week old babies - born too early to survive. I am forever changed. I am not the person I once was. I am more compassionate, sympathetic, I cry more, I show love more, I give thanks more, I appreciate my husband and family more. I am a mom with no children to show for it.
I am mom to two precious babies - Alyssa-Joy Katherine and Evan George born too young to survive.

If you know someone who has lost a child too early, please join in the Wave of Light tomorrow night, or please light a candle for my 2 babies. Light a candle in memory of these babies born too soon at 7:00 pm your time, and leave it burning for one hour.

Remember our babies with us, no matter how brief their time on earth was.

Thank you

To Mommy, from your angel…

I once was going to be born and this I couldn’t wait,
I knew that everyone was expecting me, I would try not to be late.
But I really wasn’t sure what was on the other side,
I tried to accept what was happening but I knew I couldn’t hide.

I couldn’t help but wonder who my parents were to be,
I knew for sure that no matter what, they would always love me.
So I thought about it for awhile, but I knew I had to leave,
I went on to another place, it is so beautiful it’s hard to believe.

I had a job to do, but it wasn’t here on earth,
I am so sorry you had to miss it, the day of my birth.
I wanted so bad to stay and be at home with you,
But I knew that there was something up here that I had to do.

I am now a Guardian Angel and I hope that you are proud,
I watch over you and Daddy, I peek down through the clouds.
I hope you know how much I love you, and how hard it was to go,
I miss you so much everyday, but I am sure you already know.

So please don’t ever forget me, as I will do the same,
You know this wasn’t your fault, there is no one to blame.
God needed me to be by his side and take good care of you,
So there is no need to be sad now and no need to be blue.

If you ever get lonely, just look up at the sky,
Like if you had a thought of me or just needed to say “hi”.

I am so happy with the way things are, even though it may not seem,
I talk to you in the night time, I touch you when you dream.
I want to see the same for you, give a smile for me today,
Because I know that we will meet again in some other sort of way.

I will be up here waiting for you, to open the gates real wide
And help you come home to Heaven, to take a step inside.
I thank you for loving me so much, please believe that this is true,
And there is no one I could ever love more, Mommy, as much as I love you.

Where is my expected end?????

Knife in my heart

Hello gang!

Today finds me in a somber mood. I opened my e-mail after months of not checking it, and the first thing I see is "Congrats on reaching 31 weeks!". This is the magical week where I would have started buying items in preparation for Evan's arrival. Instead, I sit here with an empty heart and empty arms. I miss my babies so much and would give anything to have them with me. How can I love someone so much and I never even got to know them? How can I miss them so much when they were only here for a fleeting moment???

I see my dear friends and coworkers pregnant and enjoying their pregnancies, and all I can do is run the other direction. Where is the woman I once was? The one who was bubbly and optimistic? I have been lurking on the forum (hobh), because it hurts my heart to see the women who were the same gestation I was. It hurts to see them celebrate each milestone because I know I can not do the same.
If anyone says the pain gets better, they lie. The pain gets worse. Every baby I see is a knife in my heart, every preggo belly I see is a reminder of what was. I am having a really tough day and have no idea what to do. Should I curl in a corner and cry? or should I suck it up and will the tears away?

I do not want to show weakness, but there are moments throughout the day when I just want to run away and wail. How can I enjoy life when I know birth control does not work for me? Everytime hubby and I dtd, I worry about falling pregnant and losing another pregnancy. I worry about being pregnant too soon. I know the TAC has a high success rate, but I can't help but wonder if I will ever let my guard down again.

Please keep me in your prayers tonight, that my heart can find peace.

Sorry for the rambling - I just needed to get it out.

Where is my expected end?

Happy Angelversary Mom!

19 years ago today, my precious mother took her final breath. Her body was wracked and abused by the vicious disease knows as Cancer. She fought and toiled until her spirit became weak. Then she answered her savior's voice when he called her home. The days leading to her death, I was told she was radiant as ever. She requested to look her best those last days. She received visitors, made them promise to take care of her children, and bid them good bye.

My mother is an inspiration to me. Everyone she met, she made an impact on their lives. She was a christian and made sure her children were in church. Everyone she met, she told them about the love of God. Even though I was only 6, I remember the feel of her skin, the scent of her body, but her voice is faded.
She missed every milestone, but I felt her presence at every one. There are days I need her the most (what girl doesn't?), but my dad stepped right in. i am comforted knowing that she was there to meet my babies - what a great welcome they received. I know that she is absolutely spoiling them.

Mommy,
You made me the woman I am today. You paved the way for me to know Christ. Your legacy, passion and drive, made me want to strive for excellence. I love you more today than yesterday, and miss you more than ever.

She Shall be Praised

Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.
Strength and honor are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.
She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.
She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth no the bread of idleness.
Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.
Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.
Favor is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised.
Give her the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.
- Proverbs 31: 10, 25-31



Joy Jeneva James-R - R.I.P

Where is my expected end?

The Secret Garden Meeting -September

Hi gang!
This Month's edition of The Secret Garden Meeting centers around the following question: What has helped you through out this new life the most. Is it your family? your faith? Support groups? A ritual? Music? Physical activity? A new interest? It could be anything. Tell us about how whatever it is has helped you

Many things have helped me deal with these tragic and heartrending past few months. First and foremost, my faith. I do not profess to be the most perfect christian, I have my moments when I ask why? and doubt his "thoughts of peace" for me. However, on the days that I am feeling down and ready to lose hope, he sends someone, a scripture, a blog post, something that lifts me back up. I am working daily on my faith, it is tough, but I look back and I thank him for all the things he has done for me, good and bad, as it made me a better more appreciative, more sympathetic person.

Secondly it is my wonderful hubby. He knows how I feel and encourages me to express myself freely. A simple hug will bring me out of my sad place, the smile that flashes across his face when he looks at our babies pictures and urns, how he refers to the babies we will have, and how he thanks me for blessing him with two babies. I have an awesome hubby and I thank God for him - I could not imagine going through this with anyone else.

My sisters are also a God-send. They know just when to step in and rescue me. They remember my babies with me and encourage me. They keep the crazies away from me (you know - the ones who always have advice, God knows best, you are young...etc.) and when I am doubtful, remind me that I have to think positive.

Last, but not least, my blog family. It is all of you that help to keep me sane. Your words of encouragement are welcomed and treasured. You allow me to be me and know that I can express myself and share my babies without fear of rejection. I relish in the fact that I can count on you to pray (not just to say you are, but to actually do it), I enjoy sharing my life with you and Thank You from the bottom of my scarred heart.

I remember my babies every single day. When i wake up I tell them good morning and kiss the urns. I have had picture books made. The pictures I have of them are precious to me. I have scrapbook pages. Hubby and I are currently designing pendants in memory of them, and we are planning Alyssa-Joy's birthday celebration. We remember them by referring to them by name and sharing them with every one we know. We love you babies!

Where is my expected end?

Spoke Too Soon...

I am amazed at the incompetence of people. Remember how I told you how my insurance claim was submitted? It was not. I called this morning to check the status of my application, and I was told that it was still on the desk! WTH???????????? She immediately started telling me that my case is unique and she is unsure of what to do. Again, WTH?????????? She pretty told me in laymans terms that she thinks it would not be approved. (Just imagine me going into hysterics.)

I called the School District's Insurance Representative and stated my plight. She then said she is going to find me someone IN NETWORK, and get back to me. She made mention of this one Dr. in West Palm Beach, Florida that does unusual things (I already researched him and he does the Lap TAC - which I have researched and have found that it does not have a high success rate). I immediately called my hubby and said if Dr. D is no going to do it - I want no part of it!

I called Dr. D. and let him know about the lack of knowledge concerning this matter and he stated that if a date was set, the insurance companies would move faster. He says he cannot fathom why they would deny it after a TVC has been proven to not work for me. So.............. my TAC date is set for Friday, December 18th, 2009!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
my only concern is that they may only cover 50% and that leaves me with only 2 months to save to cover the balance! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! I discussed it with hubby and we decided that if they cover t partially, then we will put off the surgery until February, which gives us more time to save so we do not overextend ourselves.

I am excited, yet nervous. I am praying and hoping that the Insurance Company works for us and covers the procedure at least partially. Hubby and I are going on a fast about this. I know that with God all things are possible and I am choosing to put my trust in him. Will you pray and believe with us?

I received a wonderful comment from a "lurker" and will respond below. Thanks for supporting, lifting, and praying for us.

Cecilia, Thank you for coming out of "hiding". I was touched by your comment and know that I am now praying for you. It is hard for me to understand why good things happen to bad people, especially after you put your hope and faith in God. I like you have my moments, and find comfort from other blogs. I have to remind myself that I will never understand the mind of God or why he puts us through these heartaches. My faith is the only thing that keeps me going. Just knowing that there is a rainbow at the end of the storm gives me something to look forward to, and I remind myself that my good days outweigh my bad days, Even though I have lost two babies which is beyond what I could ever imagine, I examine my life and thank God for the blessings I do have. I hope today finds you in good spirits, and just know that I am praying for you. {hugs to you}.
BTW ~ I keep telling my hubby for all of us who go through a loss, there must be a win in our future. Shoot! Maybe we will win Power Ball, the Lottery, Publishers Clearing house, etc. :-).

Where is my expected end?