Coming clean and sad news.

Hello ladies, I must say I have not been totally honest. In April, hubby and I found out we were expecting again. We did all the research surrounding an Incompetent cervix, the possible outcomes, success rates, etc. We found the best doctor and and had a plan in place. At 10 weeks, 6 days we had the cerclage placed. All was going well until Tuesday July 21.
It is with a heavy heart that I relay the news that once again my body has failed me.

07/21/2009
On Tuesday I went in for an emergency cerclage after it was found at a routine appointment with the perinatologist that the membranes had funneled past the stitch and that I had a dynamic cervix. The doctor who placed the cerclage was not my regular OB. After the surgery, she quickly left the room. I asked the OR nurse if she had mentioned any antibiotics and she said no. I told the nurse that my peri wanted me on antibiotics and they had the dr. paged, who then prescribed some antibiotics. I was kept for 24 hours.

07/22/2009
The Dr. on call stopped by to see me. She stated that there were no signs of infection. I asked her what signs to look for that something was wrong and she provided the necessary information. I was then discharged.

I must add, that when TTC, hubby and I spent months researching possible problems and solutions, infections being one of them. For the first stitch, I had antibiotics before, during, and after surgery.

07/23/2209
Follow up appointment with my OB, stitch looked good, baby looked great, gave me a prescription for more antibiotics just to be safe. Bedrest was increased and he told me if I need to come in everyday to be reassured, I should.


07/24/2009
I woke up that morning thinking something was not right. I had no appetite and had loose stools. Usually baby kicked up a storm but for some reason, I felt no movement that morning. Around 9:30 I started having mild contractions. I called the Dr's. office and told a nurse my concerns. My OB was on call so they told me to come in around 2 to see Dr. M., the same dr. who discharged me.
I called hubby who left work to come home. I drank ice cold OJ and even some soda. No movement. We left for the Dr. around 1:15.
At 2:00, I saw the Dr. and told her my concerns, loose stools, mild contractions without a pattern, flu-like symptoms, lack of movement. She used the portable doppler to check babys hb, and found it. Instead of reassuring me, she looked at me like I was paranoid and told me the loose stools was from the antibiotics, I was having braxton hicks, I just have the flu and should take some tylenol, and baby was fine, plus I was only 20 weeks and should not be worried about movement. I asked her about a swab or blood draw to rule out infection and she said my temp was too low to be an infection (100.8) and If I had an infection my water would break.
We went home feeling slighted, but figured, hey she is the professional. It is because of her actions that affected the next sequence of events.

Around 9pm, the contractions were becoming more painful. I told hubby braxton hicks should not hurt and I called my OB. He told me to head to L&D where they would put me on the monitor and give me meds to stop the contractions if necessary.
On the way to L&D, I could barely sit in my seat, I could barely walk to the labor floor. As I was being disrobed, I felt a gush. They rushed a sonographer to Triage. When she was done the tech and the nurse left the room and I knew it was too late. The nurse came back in and told me that no hb was detected.
Luckily my OB was on call and I was whisked away to a private room to deliver bubs. The cerclage could not come out as the membranes had once again funneled past the stitch. Anesthesia came down and the stitch removed (I was dilated 3 cm already) and cyotec inserted to speed up contractions and cause dilation.

07/25/2009 - 5:54am.
Evan George W. was born sleeping. 13 oz, 10 inches at 20 weeks, 3 days. He was beautiful, chubby, and like Alyssa-Joy looked just like his dad. We got to hold him and love on him for a few hours.
We are still in the hospital and will be here for a few more days to ensure that infection has not spread to my blood.
The reason Evan died was due to an infection which developed during the placement of the emergency stitch. This cause me to have contractions as my body was trying to dispel a dead baby. I am so pissed, I cannot even cry, knowing that this could have been avoided. I am so numb that no tears can come. 25 years old and I am making funeral arrangements for a child. I feel like damaged goods, a failure. My husband and I want kids and I cannot even give that to him.
In addition to that, my cervix is too weak for even the stitch to hold.

When we got pregnant, hubby and I decided that this was it. No TAC, no TVC, no more pregnancies. We did not want to put ourselves through stress and our families as well. Hubby would literally stay up at night and watching my belly to see if baby moved. He would call me a million times a day asking if everything was ok. He was losing hair and his hair was turning grey. We had really thought this would be our miracle.
I remember saying to God, if this does not work out, then I know I am not meant to be a mom. Now I know.
I have come to terms that I was made to nourish the children I teach.

This is the short version and in the next few days, I will be explaining the details to you in parts and why I kept this pregnancy from you. Please forgive me for deceiving you, as I have always valued your support. Please keep hubby and me in your thoughts and prayers as we go through this difficult time.

Awaiting my expected end (I must change this signature).

In hospital

Please Pray. Will update when I can.

Awaiting my expected end.

Down in the dumps, but hopeful and joyful

Hello gang, yes, it has been two weeks and I must say a sad, yet hopeful two weeks. Last week marked 7 months since I lost my precious baby girl. I posted on my fb status " 7 months today....". Immediately my sister called me demanding why I put that up and I must stop watching sad movies. Excuse me??????? She is under the impression that I must have watched something to make me remember. Let me say, nothing significant needs to remind me of the worst day of my life. The rain, 6:55 am every saturday morning, my hubby's face, seeing other babies, my bed, everything reminds me of what I lost. It is 7 months later and people are expecting me to forget and just move on. Not so. How can I forget someone that was a part of me? As a friend so greatly put it, if you lost an arm, would you remember that arm 10 years later? I sure would.
I will never forget. Yes, the pain lessens but anything can bring it right to the surface. She was my child, a human being, a combination of me and my husband, how can I forget her????

I often wonder if I am crazy. On my support site, many women don't even mention the baby they lost after having another. Will having another make me forget my firstborn? Will the pain be gone when another baby arrives? Am I the only one still grieving?

I have been searching the scriptures lately and the Caanan keeps popping up. Caanan means promise. When the people of God were in captivity, God promised them that they would get to Caanan, the promise land. The people had their moments of doubt, but God always "showed up and showed out" i.e, he fulfilled his promises. I am reminded daily that his promises are sure and his mercies are new every morning. I have to talk my self out of worrying. Why worry? He has always showed up when I needed him, and why worry about tomorrow? I must focus on today.
Today I am infinitely blessed. I have a job, a home, a wonderful hubby, a great family, I am a part of the family of God,and most of all I have hope. I will focus on today, and every morning, I will thank him for another day that these blessings are a part of my life. I can plan for the future, but am reminded that he has the ultimate say.

This week I am praying for all my friends who are trying to start a family. I pray every IVF or IUI procedure goes well, I pray for the miracle of conception with or without fertility meds, I pray for those who are still grieving, as well as those who are moving on. I am taking the spotlight off me and putting it on others, after all we are our brothers keeper.

BTW - Thanks for all the comments, they always brighten my day.

Awaiting my expected end.

Worries

Hello ladies!

As many of you know, I am a member of an Incompetent Cervix Support Group. In the past few months, we have had a lot of BFPs and pregnancies that are going great with the help of a cerclage. However, we have also had 4 more losses (2 related to a failed cerclage, 1 an infant death, and another due to infection), and a few ladies who are struggling to hold on to hope. My heart grieves and even though I know everyone is different, I can't help but wonder if I will be one of the unlucky few. I know in my heart that if I trust God and be proactive, my outcome will be different, but the worry is always there.
Some of the things I worry about are change in cervical length, funneling, pre-term labor, hospital bedrest and another loss. I don't think I would ever be able to endure another loss. Though my worries are unfounded they are there none the less.

Every time another member experiences a loss, I go through their history to see what and if there are any similarities in their backgrounds and mine. I know, I am a little paranoid, but I cannot help it. I am a healthy 25 year old, I have never had an abortion, D&C, cone biopsy, leep procedure or any procedure other than a pap smear. My entire sexual history has only been wih my husband, so how weak can my cervix be????????

I have become a fear-filled, paranoid, hypochondriac. Every time the fear rises to the surface, I find myself reciting the scripture that says " for God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind"; It also does not help that it is the summer and my mind is going a mile a minute. During the days, I find myself searching the scriptures asking God to give me peace. The latest one I found was - Philippians 4:7 - And the peace of the Lord which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Jesus Christ.

I know I should not doubt God as he promised me that he will keep me in perfect peace as long as my mind is stayed on him, but every time I hear bad news, the doubt and fear surfaces. I have tried staying away from the forum but I seem to be addicted!
Am I crazy???? Is there anyone that can ease my mind???? I have heard the success stories and they give me hope, but the few that fail makes me quiver in fear. HELP save my sanity!!!!

Awaiting my expected end.

Meet...

My dad. Ronald aka Ron (and my step-mom). At the age of 6, my two sisters, brother and I lost our mom to Ovarian Cancer. This man stepped up to the plate, worked two jobs (a Soldier and drove a cab in his spare time) to provide for his family. He counseled us, disciplined us, went to school events, but most of all love us. We can always count on him to be there in times of sadness, plenty and want. He was by my side while I was delivering AJ, crying with me and encouraging me. I have seen my father cry, but never like he cried that day. He cried because he was losing his first grandchild, but he cried the hardest because he knew I was in pain and suffering.
I can always count on this man. He pushed all his children to get college degrees and strive for the highest. Having only an 8th grade education, he joined the army at 17. He worked hard and sent all of us to private schools and encouraged us when we struggled. It is because of this man why I am the way I am today. He made sure we were always in church even though he was mad at God for asking his wife.
I love this man to death and always ask God to make him live forever.

MEET.....



Larry. My husband. The father of my child. My "baby daddy". My rib. My strength. The love of my life. What can I say about this man? The one who provides just I can stay home and be bored in the summer. The one who listens to my complaints, wipes away my tears, cries with me, and loves me for me. He never once said anything was my fault, he just held me and comforted me. I could never go through what I went through without him and I'm glad he was the one the lord gave me to experience this life with.
He is an amazing father to his children, he is a great son, boss and friend.

Happy Father's Day to the two most important men in my life.

Awaiting my expected end.

I Understand!

Hey gang!

I have never battled infertility (maybe bad timing) and always wondered what it was, how you got it, how it could be explained and the whole shebang. Even though I have wondered, I have never researched, as I figured I had nothing to worry about. With most of my friends in "blogland battling" this devastating factor, I must say I am curious.

This summer, having nothing to do, and watching lots of mindless tv, I am drawn to the channel Discovery Health. A midday show known as Baby Lab which features everyday people battling infertility (people from all walks of life) getting help from Dr. Silver ( a renowned fertility expert). I have cried, rejoiced, crossed my fingers, sat on the edge of my seat, cried some more and thanked God for my blessings.
This program walks you through the various stages (and it is quite a few stages) that many couples go through to get pregnant.

Ladies, hats off to you. You have earned my respect, my love, my prayers. It is a long and worrisome journey that many of you go through to achieve your dream. I understand and I salute you. I see what you go through and my heart aches along with yours. For every injection you get, I feel for you. For every disappointment you face, I cry with you. For every egg retrieval you go through and bea testing you do, I hold my breath along with you.

Through this program, I also learned it is quite expensive. Though I may not be able to assist you financially, I can offer you my prayers. Hopefully this is enough.
Ladies, you are all in my prayers as we travel this journey together. Do not think that you are alone. You have a friend in Florida hoping, praying, and crying with you. Though each experience is personal, as women we share a bond and my heart aches along with yours.

I have heard many ladies battling this condition that they cannot talk to their friends as they do not understand. I have heard many women say that they get unwanted advice about what to eat, to just relax, that once you stop trying it will happen. Well ladies, I have no advice to offer, but just know I UNDERSTAND.
Praying for you always.

Awaiting my expected end.

Lazy days of summer

Hey gang! I know its been a while since my last post. (Jeez its been that long????). Nothing has happened. I have still been keeping up with your posts and I promise to create at least one post a day.

Summer is here and I am bored stiff! I look forward to summer and every year I get bored. My day goes something like this:
Watch TV, read, sleep, watch tv, read, sleep. Fun huh??
Not much has happened lately, but have been reading a lot of good news (Alyson, sweetpeanme). I am so happy for the paths that you are traveling and wish that all goes well in the coming months. I pray that pretty soon you both will get your BFP's.

I am running now, but I will post more later. I have a few things I want to share.
Toodles! Enjoying the summer sun in Florida
Marie

Awaiting my expected end.