My Expected End

Sweet Israel Grayson Dillard

2011-12-13T13:34:00.004-05:00

Grayson is being laid to rest today at 2:00 p.m. I cannot stop thinking about Tanika and her husband. My heart hurts and my eyes well with tears every time I think about them and the pain I know they are feeling. I am in awe of her incredible faith. She still is looking to God, her greatest source of strength. When I first heard the news I was driving on the 826 on my way to school. Just picture me in back to back traffic with tears streaming down my face :(.

I am so upset about this! I asked my husband "how much more can one family take?" I do not undertsand why.

A huge thank you to those of you who stopped by and to Michelle who posted something on her blog (her own accord). Baby Grayson's obituary can be accessed at http://m.legacy.com/obituaries/greenvilleonline/obituary.aspx?n=israel-grayson-dillard&pid=155008487.
Please keep flooding her with love as we all know the days to come will be difficult.

I love you Tanika and Chris and I am sending prayers, love and hugs your way. I so wish I could be there with you today but know I am thinking about you.

Marie

A Favor Please?

2011-12-12T07:45:00.002-05:00

A sweet blog friend who was such an encouragement to me when I was pregnant with Spencer just experienced a 4th loss. Her sweet Israel Grayson went to be with his sisters due to a cord incident. He was supposed to be delivered by C-Section on the Dec 16th. Please stop by and shower her with love. I have 131 followers and I am sure you all have many more. Please post this message on your blog and encourage your followers to shower her with love as well.

I am all too aware of how this community bands together and uplifts each other in our times of need. Please. If there is one thing I ask...... This is it. Israel Grayson will be laid to rest Tuesday at 2:00p.m. Tanika's blog is http://thejourneyofloveandlife.blogspot.com.

Thank you!
Marie

Saying Hi

2011-09-19T18:17:00.004-04:00

Hey all!

I promise I have not neglected this blog. I am back at work and struggling to juggle. I will be back posting soon.

Here are some pics of Spencer. He is now 5 months. Time sure is flying!

Enjoying our expected end,
Marie

I Love You to the Moon and Back....

2011-07-25T00:00:00.002-04:00

My dearest Evan,

Happy birthday my darling. I cannot believe that its been two years since you have left my arms. My heart aches just as much today as it did it year ago. I miss you so much my darling. I look forward to the day that I can hold you again. Thank you so much for helping to bring your bother safely here. Thank you for teaching me how to love more and to cherish every single day.
I love you to the moon and back my love..... I miss you so very much.

Love,
Mommy

Where I am Today

2011-07-24T09:00:00.000-04:00

On July 24th, 2010, I wrote this post. I was thankfully feeling a lot better when I wrote that post. This year I am just angry. Angry at the drs., angry at life's circumstances. I am also asking why? Why me? Why us? Even though I know I will never get an answer, I am still asking in a defiant voice.

I am saddened that Spencer will only hear about his brother and sister. I am saddened that all he will have are pictures. I keep thinking I should have 3 children here to love and hold, but I have 2 in my heart and one in my arms. I long to hold them, to smell them, to hear their voices. I often wonder who they would be like. Me? Their dad? Would they be feisty? Would they be shy? I do know one thing. They would be loved oh so very much.

This day 2 years ago was horrible. The dr didn't take me seriously. Who knows how it could have turned out? If only she had listened! Today was the last time I felt my son move. The last time I would have a link to him. The last time he would hear my voice. The last time my heart would be whole.

I love and miss you my son. I love you to the moon and back........

Grieving the journey to my expected end,
Marie

27

2011-07-22T05:00:00.000-04:00

I turn 27 today and all I can remember is that two years ago I spent my birthday in the hospital, eating nasty hospital food. This day has changed for me. It is no longer a celebratory day but a reminder of what happened to my precious first born son. On this day I had hope if only for a short while 2 years ago.

Today I will spend my birthday not trying to forget, but to just get through the day without breaking down. Even though my rainbow is here, the ache has not gone away, the pain has not gone away, the memory has not gone away. I must admit, he helps to lessen the pain, but boy it still hurts. It hurts even more that the milestones I am experiencing with him, I never got to experience with Alyssa-Joy and Evan. I miss them so very much and I know I always will. I look forward to the day when I ca hold them in my arms. When I will see them whole again. When I can tell them I love them. When I can say I am sorry for failing them. When I can say "mommy is here to stay:.

So today won't be spend celebrating another year older. Today will be spent anguishing that their face, smell, touch is slowly fading from my senses, but realizing I am one more year closer to meeting them again.

I love you so very much my sweethearts. Floaty kisses..............

Grieving the journey to my expected end,
Marie

Flashbacks

2011-07-21T07:00:00.001-04:00

I wrote this post this time last year. The feelings are still the same. July 21st still brings the same trepidation. I still woke up with a pounding heart as my mind returns to that day. I can vividly see the exam room, the look on the ultrasound tech's face, the look on the MFM's face. I can clearly hear those words; "the stitch is failing". I knew then that it was over. My husband pleaded with me to be positive.

I remember the drive to the hospital, how hysterical I was. I remember the dr. coming in and being absolutely horrible.....no compassion....no hope. I remember being wheeled in the operating room. I remember not being administered any antibiotics. I remember how quickly she did the "repair". I remember in a panic telling the nurse, "she (the dr) didn't mention antibiotics. The dr. wants me on antibiotics"! I remember her rushing to find the dr. to get permission to fulfill my drs. orders.

I remember being wheeled to the room crying all the way there. I remember passing a door with a purple card with a tear drop on a leaf and thinking "will that be me again"? But somehow despite those fears, there was a glimmer of hope in my heart. Little did I know that the flickering hope would soon be extinguished.

Will these flashbacks every go away?

Grieving the journey to out expected end,
Marie

Checking In

2011-05-26T11:56:00.003-04:00

Hello gang!

We are still here, but enjoying our little one. Spencer is a joy and his personality is slowly emerging. He is a month old and is truly wonderful. He had his one month check up yesterday and he now weighs 8lbs 2oz, and is now 21 3/4 inches long.
Thanks for the advice on the swaddling, it has made a HUGE difference at night. He still gets up every 2 hours to nurse during the day, and every 3 hours throughout the night. We are slowly (slowly) developing a schedule so hopefully I will be back to blogging soon.

Enjoying our expected end,
Marie

Quickly Checking In

2011-05-13T12:44:00.002-04:00

Hello everyone!

Whew! I must say motherhood is hard but extremely rewarding! I spent the entire pregnancy worrying about getting to full term that I never thought about the first month. We have had sleepless nights, unconsolable crying fits, blowout diapers, did I say sleepless nights? We are exhausted and trying to get into a routine.

Spencer is now 2 1/2 weeks old and is developing his own personality a little more everyday. Boy does this prince have a set of lungs! :-). He is napping briefly right now which gives me a few minutes to just say hi to all of you and hopefully after we develop a routine I will be doing more posts and updates along with some pictures.

Enjoying our expected end,
Marie

Birth Story

2011-05-03T15:12:00.007-04:00

Can I really call it that? I mean I didn't actually "give birth" he was yanked out of me! Lol.

April 26th started out as a rainy day. We got up at 3:45 am, prayed, got ourselves ready, and left. The night before we had our last meal as an earthly family of two and as we walked out the door, we looked round our condo and the baby contents within it and we couldn't help but tear up at the thought that we missed out on such an opportunity with Alyssa-Joy and Evan.

We got to the hospital by 5 am, registered and got settled into Triage. I wasn't nervous until they placed the heartbeat and contraction monitors on my stomach. My nervousness probably contributed to the nonstop contractions I immediately started having and boy did they hurt! In fact, they were consistently 4 minutes apart. I remarked to Larry that if the C-section was not scheduled for that day I probably would have gone into labor!

My dad got there around 7 (he would be in the OR with us). It was then that my twin sister called and reminded me that April 26th was also my moms birthday. I immediately burst into tears. I don't know how that slipped my mind and all I could think was "how special". I just knew my mother's spirit was with me. As my dad and Larry got dressed, Dr. C. came in and said "its time babydoll. The day you have been waiting for for three years is here. " All I can say it was an emotional moment for all.

In the OR, as they administered the spinal (which hurt like hell and you think I would be used to it after having it so many times!) Larry and my dad were brought in. This was not the experience I expected! My OB had the music blasting to Michael Jackson and he and all the other medical personnel were signing their hearts out and having a good time. This did a lot for my nerves let me tell you!
I kept waiting for the pressure, tugging, pulling, all the sensations so many told me to expect, but all I could feel was cold so they wrapped me up in warm blankets. As I was waiting, I heard a gurgling sound, a cry and then Spencer's sweet face hanging above the sheet. For weeks I had wondered what I would say when I saw him and the only thing that came out was "OH My GOSH! SPENCER YOU ARE HERE!!!" The joy on my face was indescribable. My rainbow was here!

As they took him to the side to weigh him, clean him, and have hubby cut the umbilical cord, I cried. I could not believe that he was here. He was alive. He was healthy. I simply could not take my eyes off him. They brought him to me so I could see him and love on him before they took him away.

While in recovery, I had a permanent smile on my face. I kept the image of his face in my mind the entire time and could not wait to see him again.

As we left the hospital 3 days later, our eyes filled with tears. This time instead of leaving with memory boxes, we were leaving with a baby, our miracle, our rainbow, our expected end.

For three years we have endured heartache, made tough decisions, worked on our marriage, kept the faith and had HOPE. We had so many negative emotions, "we weren't meant to have kids", "God is punishing us for something", "maybe this is God's way of saying we shouldn't be together", and so many more. The enemy tried every tactic to steer us from the expected end our Savior had in store for us. My husband lost his job, but God still provided beyond measure. I was worried about bedrest, I worked the entire 38 weeks. I worried about my cervix, but the anchor held. Heck it grew at every appointment!
Now we are enjoying our expected end. I recite Jeremiah 29:11 so many time over the past 3 years and we are reminded that God keeps his promises and desires nothing but good for us.

I pray that your expected end comes and you experience the joy we are feeling right now.

With Alyssa-Joy and Evan in our hearts, we are enjoying our expected end.
Marie & Larry

IBLMD

2011-05-01T16:41:00.004-04:00

When we lose something that is precious to us, we are left with a feeling of sadness. Whether it is a precious friend or even a treasured object, the loss can be hard to bear. It is as if a part of you has gone missing. Source

Gentle International Babylost Mothers Day to all of you. I hope your day is filled with love and the memory of your precious angels.

Strong
© Kelvin Jernigan
I have to be strong not for me
But for everyone else
I want to cry I want to scream
But no one can see my hollow tears
I keep you near to keep me sane
But the thought of you makes me sad
I want to hide and cry alone
But you are here and it keeps me real
I know you’ve left this solid ground
But in my heart you still live
You’ve kept me together for so long
So I will stay strong for everyone else.

I miss you my sweet babies.

Source

Praying for your expected ends.

Introducing......

2011-04-26T21:35:00.005-04:00

It is understood that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of any storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that we are not still dealing with its aftermath. It means that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counter balance of color, energy, and HOPE. (unknown)

Introducing our rainbow;

Spencer Nathan W.
04/26/2011
8:06am
7 lbs, 2oz
19 1/2 inches long.

We are filled with joy and we have a permanent smile on our faces. Our EXPECTED END is here and he is happy, healthy, and alive. Like the dr. said in his report, "active baby with a lusty cry!"

Enjoying our expected end,
Marie & Larry

Back and lots of updates!

2011-04-24T12:04:00.004-04:00

Hello gang!

I have missed you all. A big thank you to all those who checked up on me. Both my MacBook and Desktop went out for repairs and what should have taken two days turned into 2 weeks! Its amazing how much we rely on technology. ha! I spent the last 4 hours yesterday catching up on blogs.

Spencer is still baking away, but we are two days away from meeting him. I feel excited, overwhelmed, scared to death, you name it, I feel it! I especially feel sad knowing that I never got to experience these feelings with Alyssa-Joy and Evan. The closer I get to meeting Spencer, the more the sadness comes because AJ and Evan are not here. The other night I looked at my husband who was just up staring at their urns. We just hugged each other and cried and he said to me, "Marie, I wish we knew then what we know now."

My last day of work was last Thursday and I have the option of being out until October 6th. I am so thankful that I get to spend the next few months with my little man even if it is unpaid.

Now, where did I leave off? At the last appointment with the MFM, Spencer weighed 5 pounds, 6 ounces. He had gained one whole pound over the course of two weeks so we are guessing that he might be a little over 7 pounds now. I am starting to get uncomfortable. I feel lots of pressure, aches and pains, my belly has a mind of its own and it is extremely hard to get up at night. I 17P shots worked like a charm because a week after the last one, holy cannoli! There came the Braxton Hicks! I can just imagine if I had not been taking them the entire pregnancy how I would feel.

We are all ready for Spencer's arrival. The crib is set up, the car seat installed, his closet and chest of drawers ready, our bags are packed and we are just counting down the hours until Tuesday morning.

This was our last appointment with our MFM. Ignore the puffy eyes, I was quite emotional during our last ultrasound and visit with him. We are thankful for an amazing doctor.

A few friends from work threw me a shower (not my team). Spencer is one blessed little boy!

We did out maternity photoshoot yesterday and here is just a sneak peek. As soon as I get the others, I will share them with you.

Here is my 37 week belly shot. Larry had already left for school and I had to make do. 37 weeks was the ultimate milestone that I wanted to reach and when I reached it, I was a wreck! Poor hubby thought something was wrong when he heard me crying (and it was the ugly cry).

Today I am 38 weeks exactly. On this day that we celebrate our risen Savior, I cannot help but thank him for his ultimate sacrifice of giving us his son, and for the children that he has blessed me with, especially the one in my womb. We serve an amazing God!

How many weeks: 38 weeks - Praise God!

How am I feeling: Excited, nervous, terrified!

Doctor’s Appointment: Last appointment with the OB was last Wednesday.

Weight Gain: Finally hit the 10 pound mark!

Maternity Clothes: All maternity

Baby Preparation: Done!

Gender: Boy!!! Spencer Nathan W.

Sleep: All the time. I find myself taking naps throughout the day and still sleep 8 hours a night.

Best moment this week: Getting our maternity photos done.

Movement: He is moving less, but still seeing "waves" across my stomach as he moves. If I haven't felt him move, I find myself poking him until he does.

Food cravings: Stewed Peas and Rice.

What I miss: Walking without waddling!

What I am looking forward to: Meeting Spencer on Tuesday!

Milestones: Getting to full term.

I have a lot on my heart so I will probably be posting quite a bit.

Thank you so much for walking this journey with me. I cannot wait to share Spencer with you all

Awaiting my expected end,
Marie

Quick Update

2011-04-06T11:43:00.002-04:00

Hey gang!
Sorry it is taking me so long to update. My computer is out for repairs and I feel so lost. Currently blogging from my blackberry, but will update as soon as I get my laptop back, which should be sometime Thursday or Friday.

Talk to you soon!

Awaiting my expected end,
Marie

34 Weeks!

2011-03-30T06:00:00.000-04:00

My new best friend. Yea.... silly me thought I would have gotten away with no stretch marks. No such luck. I literally woke up Saturday morning and wowza! There they were. Now I am diligent with applying this paste. Hopefully its not too late.

How many weeks: 34 weeks - Praise God!

How am I feeling: Excited, nervous, terrified!

Doctor’s Appointment: This morning (Last MFM appointment) and this Friday 04/01 (OB appointment).

Weight Gain: 8.5 lbs (but will know for sure after today's appointment.

Maternity Clothes: All maternity

Baby Preparation: More de-cluttering and organizing.

Gender: Boy!!! Spencer Nathan W.

Sleep: Interrupted. My nightly bathroom trips total 6 times per night between bedtime and 6:00 am

Best moment this week: Realizing Spencer is still baking away

Movement: Still seeing "waves" across my stomach as he moves. Such a wonder to watch and every time I see it I am in awe of God's creation!

Food cravings: Nothing this week (yet!).

What I miss: Getting up at night without having to wake up hubby to help me get out of the bed.

What I am looking forward to: Meeting the next milestones: 35 weeks (4 days away), and delivery (but not anytime soon!), and our 2nd baby shower this afternoon!

Milestones: Getting to 34 weeks.

I woke up Sunday morning an emotional mess. I could not stop crying. I am so grateful to have gotten this far. After losing Alyssa-Joy and Evan, we really thought we were not meant to have children, but when day after day passes and Spencer is still rolling around and God is still making a way, I feel blessed to have been given a third chance. God is indeed an awesome God and the TAC is a wonderful thing!

I will update on Friday after both appointments.

Awaiting my expected end,
Marie

Pediatrician? Check!

2011-03-28T19:15:00.002-04:00

Thank you all so much for the questions to ask the pediatrician. As you can tell from the title, we loved him and have decided to use his practice.

Hubby and I sat down and chose the questions (from the list given) that we wanted to ask as well as some things to look for when we arrived at the office.

We chose the following and rated them on a scale from 1-10:
Proximity to home - 10 (5-10 minutes depending on traffic)
Cleanliness and set up of the office (child friendly/parent friendly) - 8. The have a sick waiting room and a well waiting room, toys and books for the kiddos, magazines and well-baby clips for the parents.
Friendliness of the office staff - 10
The wait time of the patients in the office - 8. Pretty standard. Most were called back after about 10 minutes.
Comfort and ease with the Dr. - 10
Comfort and ease with nurses - 10

Overall, they were pretty good and our consultation with the Dr. went well.
The one thing I liked was that he works out of 3 different hospitals, so we are not bound to one if an emergency arises. The only downfall is that when we deliver, one of his partners (there are 4) will attend to Spencer at the hospital and his first appointment a few days after birth. His son is getting married and he will be out of town that week.

Again, thank you so much for your help as they guided us in the right direction and we were able to find a pediatrician that we both liked (and who also comes with great referrals!).

Awaiting my expected end,
Marie

33 Weeks!

2011-03-25T07:00:00.001-04:00

Thank you all so much for the comments and suggestions on the previous post. I tend to want to make things better and I have to learn that in her own time she will deal with her loss. Thank you all so much <3.

How many weeks: 33 weeks - Praise God!

How am I feeling: Excited, nervous, terrified!

Doctor’s Appointment: Next Wednesday 03/30 (Last MFM appointment) and Next Friday 04/01 (OB appointment).

Weight Gain: 8 lbs

Maternity Clothes: All maternity

Baby Preparation: Getting our carpets professionally cleaned and painting

Gender: Boy!!! Spencer Nathan W.

Sleep: Interrupted. My nightly bathroom trips total 6 times per night between bedtime and 6:00 am

Best moment this week: Realizing Spencer is still baking away

Movement: Still seeing "waves" across my stomach as he moves. Such a wonder to watch and every time I see it I am in awe of God's creation!

Food cravings: Jamaican Beef Patties (the spicy kind). Yum!

What I miss: Getting up at night without having to wake up hubby to help me get out of the bed.

What I am looking forward to: Meeting the next milestones: 35, weeks, and delivery (but not anytime soon!), and our 2nd baby shower next Wednesday!

Milestones: Getting to 33 weeks and fattening Spencer up to 4 pounds. Last week he weighed 4 pounds, 6 ounces!

Thank you all for your prayers and well wishes! They are greatly appreciated!

Awaiting my expected end,

Marie

On the Other Side of the Fence

2011-03-22T17:44:00.001-04:00

My heart has been heavy lately. I am grieving for my sister and the loss of my niece or nephew. I am trying my best to support her and encourage her, but she does not want to hear it and I have no idea how to help her. I tried directing her to some support groups, blogs, and so on, and she refuses to even entertain the idea. I am at a loss for words and have no idea how else to help her. I know we all process loss differently and I am trying to help as best as I know how.

She did not attend my shower, but I expected that and let her know before hand that I would not be offended if she could not attend, because I have been there myself, where the thought of attending showers drove me into a fit of sweats. Well, she tried to come to the shower and had a breakdown in her parking lot. :-(. She refuses to be around me, and I know that the sight of my growing bump makes her relive those dark days. I understand, because I have been there. When we are together as a family and the talk turns to Spencer's upcoming arrival, she leaves the room. I have tried talking to my family to let them know to be sensitive, but their comments still hurt her. Again, I understand because I have been there.

I am afraid that she will not want to see Spencer or be in his presence because he may remind her of her loss. I am afraid that everytime she sees him, he will be a trigger. I am very sensitive to her grief, and I try my best to be there for her, but my being there will not take the hurt away.

I know she is happy for me, but I also know seeing me makes the process hard. I want her to be close to her nephew and not have the sight of him be a reminder of her loss.

I know of several BLM bloggers who have a sibling who is expecting, and though they are happy for them, they struggle being around their sibling and experience hurt by exposing their shattered hearts to the pregnancy.

For those of you who have had a sibling go through a pregnancy after your own loss, please help me. What would you have liked your sibling to do or not do around you? How would you have liked to be helped? How did you feel? Please help me. I love my sister - she was there holding my hand while delivering Alyssa-Joy and Evan - and I want to be there for her the best way I know how.

I am on the other side of the fence ---- it seems I can help others, but I cannot reach my own sister. :-(

Please help.

Awaiting my expected end,

Marie

Normal and some more questions

2011-03-16T20:00:00.003-04:00

I had what was supposed to be my last appointment with the MFM yesterday. He declared that I was/am NORMAL!!!!!!!!!!! Praise God! We did elect to see him one more time even though he was willing to release us. We will be seeing him in two weeks for a "peace of mind" appointment and for a 3D ultrasound. Cervix measured 3.6 cm!!!! Spencer passed his BPP, cord flow was perfect, organs were perfect, everything was perfect. God is so good and we are in awe of his blessings.

Thanks for the suggestions about choosing a Pediatrician. We have an appointment with one next week and we now have tons of questions to ask. I also have some more questions tonight. I tried getting them answered, but kept getting conflicting information. So..... I am asking all of you!

1.) I am packing my hospital bag this week (yikes!). I know what to pack for me, but what about for baby?

2.) What's the usual stay in the hospital for a C-section? (MFM told me 4 days, OB told me 2)

3.) When do I put the car seat in the car?

4.) Hospital tour? Necessary or unnecessary?

5.) Nursing Bras - do I buy a size bigger than I am now or my regular size?

6.) How many onesies/blankets/bibs do I pack for the baby?

Thanks in advance!

Awaiting my expected end,

Marie

Some Shower Pics

2011-03-15T19:51:00.006-04:00

I had an awesome shower on Saturday. Here are just a few pictures to share with you. Blogger is acting up and will not let me arrange them in order. We had an awesome time celebrating Spencer and honoring Alyssa-Joy and Evan.

What touched me the most was that my babies were included in the shower. There were pinwheels with their names on them, wind chimes (they would not stop ringing or blowing and it was not even windy!). I am so glad I was "forced" to have a shower. We were shown how truly loved and blessed we are.

Larry and I cutting the cake

My dad and Step-mom cutting Evan's cake

My grandmother cutting Alyssa-Joy's cake

Honoring Evan's memory

Honoring Alyssa-Joy's memory

Opening gifts

I had a great time!

More gifts

The blessings - we no longer have a dining room!

Larry and Me

Enjoying ourselves

Alyssa-Joy & Evan's Table

Awaiting my expected end,

Marie

32 Weeks! Next Goal Reached

2011-03-13T08:45:00.003-04:00

How many weeks: 32 weeks - God is oh so good!

How am I feeling: Relieved that we are at an AWESOME gestation. Just need to fatten him up to 4 pounds.

Doctor’s Appointment: Tuesday (Last MFM appointment and OB)

Weight Gain: 8 lbs

Maternity Clothes: All maternity

Baby Preparation: Putting together all the "big ticket" items.

Gender: Boy!!! Spencer Nathan W.

Sleep: Interrupted because I have to wake up to turn over and once I do its hard to go back to sleep.

Best moment this week: Enjoying my shower and having Alyssa-Joy and Evan honored.

Movement: Still seeing "waves" across my stomach as he moves. Such a wonder to watch and every time I see it I am in awe of God's creation!

Food cravings: Icees (and not the caffine free kind either).

What I miss: Getting up at night without having to wake up hubby to help me get out of the bed.

What I am looking forward to: Meeting the next milestones: 35, weeks, and delivery (but not anytime soon!)

Milestones: Getting to 32 weeks and looking forward to many more to come AND actually having and enjoying our baby shower!

Awaiting my expected end,

Marie

31 Weeks!

2011-03-08T16:07:00.002-05:00

Looking a little tired in this picture, but here it is nonetheless.

How many weeks: 31 weeks - God is oh so good!

How am I feeling: Relieved that we are at an AWESOME gestation. Just need to fatten him up to 4 pounds.

Doctor’s Appointment: Next Tuesday (Last MFM appointment and OB)

Weight Gain: 8 lbs

Maternity Clothes: All maternity

Baby Preparation: De-cluttering our Condo. Hubby is in nesting mode!

Gender: Boy!!! Spencer Nathan W.

Sleep: Interrupted because I have to wake up to turn over and once I do its hard to go back to sleep.

Best moment this week: Filling out my FMLA paperwork. My Last day at work (prayerfully) is April 22.

Movement: I think he's running out of room which now makes me nervous about the lack of weight gain? all the time. I feel nudges and punches and see "waves" across my stomach as he moves. Such a wonder to watch and every time I see it I am in awe of God's creation!

Food cravings: Icees (and not the caffine free kind either).

What I miss: Getting up at night without having to wake up hubby to help me get out of the bed.

What I am looking forward to: Meeting the next milestones: 32 weeks, 35, weeks, and delivery (but not anytime soon!) and our shower this weekend. The gifts have already started rolling and I am made aware how blessed and loved we are.

Milestones: Getting to 31 weeks and looking forward to many more to come.

Awaiting my expected end,

Marie

Woes

2011-03-06T08:00:00.002-05:00

Sometimes it sucks to be a public servant! Don't get me wrong, I love being a special education teacher. I love seeing the students who struggle make gains by leaps and bounds and seeing the smiles on their faces when they meet with success. Its the other factors outside my classroom that makes me shudder and rethink why I chose my career.

Spencer will be on my insurance (I hope). I called our benefits department to find out what the procedure for adding him as a dependent is. I was told that there is no free coverage for him and that for the time that I will be out on FMLA (they don't cover maternity), I must pay the premium for him. The cost? $377 per month. So that $377 for May, $377 for June, $377 for July, and $377 for August when I will not be working nor receiving a paycheck. Then in September, they will deduct $571 from my first paycheck and the following months to cover the cost of his insurance. Why so much? Apparently they retro the cost back to January (when he clearly was not physically in this world) and that is why it will be sooo expensive. In January it will revert back to $377 if the cost of coverage does not increase. I can choose to go back to work 4 weeks after he arrives but that will only cover him for one month and I would still have to pay the premium.

What the heck????? I have never heard such foolishness! When I was in college and on my dad's insurance, he paid half that amount per month to cover the entire family! I am ticked off and sort of in a panic. I like being able to live off of one salary and if Spencer goes on my insurance, then that goes out the window. Considering that hubby is still unemployed and if we had not lived this way prior we would have been in big trouble this past year.

Spencer needs insurance! I have called around for independent insurance for him but he has to be 6 months or 1 year. I am praying hubby lands a job before Spencer gets here or a month after he gets here.

Have any of you ever faced this dilemma? What did you do?

Awaiting my expected end,

Marie

Questions

2011-03-04T08:00:00.000-05:00

Hi gang!

I feel so way out of my element here. Hopefully those of you with earthly children can answer these questions for me. Thanks so much in advance!

I have to set up an appointment with a pediatrician and I keep putting it off. I have no idea what to ask. my friend Kiki pointed me in the right direction, but what other questions do I ask? What qualities make a good pediatrician?

Some other questions include;

1.) Bumper or no Bumper?

2.) Do I really need a changing table?

3.) Do I really need a bouncer AND a swing?

4.) When do I pack a hospital bag?

5.) I do not have a ceiling fan in the bedroom. Is it worth it to install one?

These are just a few that I have. I am sure more will pop up in due time.

Awaiting my expected end,

Marie

30 Weeks and More Goodies

2011-03-02T10:45:00.005-05:00

I am skipping week 29 because it was a horrible week and I was definitely not into taking pictures. Thank you so much for the kind words and well wishes for my sister. She is still not doing so great, but we know that the prayers of the righteous availeth much. Thank you all so very much.

There seems to be joy and sorrow at the same time in our family. We are excited at the thought of Spencer's birth while mourning the loss of my niece/nephew. Praying that Spencer will be able to bring a little healing to our family and the losses we have experienced over the past few years.

How many weeks: 30 weeks! (I still can't believe it)

How am I feeling: Relieved that we are at an AWESOME gestation. Just need to fatten him up to 4 pounds.

Doctor’s Appointment: March 15th (Last MFM appointment and OB)

Weight Gain: 8 lbs

Maternity Clothes: All maternity

Baby Preparation: De-cluttering our Condo

Gender: Boy!!! Spencer Nathan W.

Sleep: Interrupted by weird dreams

Best moment this week: Knowing baby Spencer is still moving and shaking!

Movement: all the time. I don't think this child sleeps at all! I'm loving it! His movements are starting to hurt, but no complaints here!

Food cravings: Peanut Butter

What I miss: Getting up at night without having to wake up hubby to help me get out of the bed

What I am looking forward to: Meeting the next milestones: 32 weeks, 35, weeks, and delivery (but not anytime soon!) and dare I say this? Our shower next weekend.

Milestones: Getting to 30 weeks - God is oh so good!

I received a rather large package in the mail last week. Let me say Spencer is so loved by many. Kiki, an IC friend sent me a beautiful box filled with goodies for myself and Spencer. My husband stood in awe as we went through the box. Some items included a breast pump, moby wrap, nursing wrap, bottles, and so much more. Like after seeing the blanket I got from Tonya, we both broke down in tears. I have made so many awesome and endearing friends and although it saddens me to think we met under tragic circumstances, I am grateful for the friendships that have untied us through grief. My husband sat shaking his head asking "what did we do to deserve such generosity?" and all I can say is "losing our babies". Hopefully one day we can pay it forward. Thanks Kiki! We are forever grateful.

Awaiting my expected end,

Marie

Perplexed and Pissed

2011-02-26T15:30:00.003-05:00

I am quite upset at the medical profession right now. After 5 doses of Cyto.tech, they finally decided to perform a D&E. They kept her (hungry) from early Thursday morning until Friday morning all because if they had to do a D&E, they wanted her stomach empty. After the 3rd dose, and she had not dilated (not even softened), they should have explored other methods. She even asked if they could go ahead and just do the D&E and they refused saying they don't do D&Es. Her OB was out of town so there was no way he could have been there to call the shots not knowing the full extent of what was happening. Finally around 7:00pm last night, they did the D&E.

This hospital will definitely be hearing from me, just like they did when we had Alyssa-Joy. I had to leave work Thursday at 1:00pm to go "ream" out the nurse, as she had not seen any since 5:30 that morning. I was in there changing her bedpan because the nurse had not shown her face. They sure heard my mouth!

I am just in shock as to why this happened. I am so sorry she had to join this club. They did not make her see the baby, she did not get pictures, the dr. never came back to see her after the procedure, they did not tell her if it was a boy or girl........ the list goes on. I am mad at the hospital, I am mad at the dr. and I am sad for my sister.

We have no answers at this point. We know it was not her cervix though as it was long and closed and refused to dilate. There were no blatant signs of infection, so we have no clue. Her water simply broke.

My sister is broken, hurt, weepy, and full of self-blame. Emotions we all know too well.

She has a follow up appointment with her OB early next week. Hopefully she will have some answers.

Thank you for the well wishes, expressions of sympathy, and prayers. I have forwarded them all to her. Please continue to keep them in prayer.

Awaiting my expected end,

Marie

Tragedy Strikes Again

2011-02-24T11:44:00.002-05:00

Proverbs 24:10

If thou faint in the day of adversity, thy strength is small.

My heart aches this morning. Last night my older sister who is 15 weeks and 4 days along called me at midnight to let me know she was on her way to the emergency room. Apparently, she was sitting on the floor, felt a bubble and then a gush. She called her OB who encouraged her to go to the e/r. Hubby and I immediately got out of bed, got dressed and flew (literally) to join her at the hospital. As the ultrasound tech did her stuff, I had to avert my eyes because I saw no fluid around the baby. When I asked the tech what the amniotic fluid index was (she was quite surprise I knew this term) she said "there was none to measure". Sometimes I think I know too much. There my sister was asking me questions and in an effort to not make her panic I kept deflecting to "lets see what the dr. says". I did make sure that they did not *bs * her at all.

She has been given cervi.dil and will be delivering her baby sometime today. The dr. does not want her to do a d&c unless absolutely necessary. We all know how emotional and heart wrenching this process can be so please keep her and her partner in prayer. He is also not taking it so well. My heart breaks that she has to join this community and also that she has not yet even experienced the joy of feeling the baby move or even learned the gender yet.

Please, please lift them up in prayer.

Awaiting my expected end,

Marie

Letter

2011-02-20T06:15:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to share the letter/post I shared with my Abby Loopers and IC Forum sisters.

I am a Christian and have always believed that God desires nothing but good for us. I felt my faith wavering after losing my children and sometimes because I am still human, I find myself still questioning. I praise him daily because my relationship is now stronger with him.

At the age of 23 I got married to a wonderful guy. After a cancer scare in 2008, I was told by my dr. to at least think about starting a family. Needless to say, I conceived the week I stopped taking birth control. The pregnancy with my daughter Alyssa-Joy was blissful and uneventful, no morning sickness, bitter taste in mouth, no aches and pains, nothing. We were reveling in the joy that accompanies any pregnancy. Thanksgiving 2008, at 19+ weeks, I saw blood when I wiped and had slight cramping. After laying on the couch with my feet up for a while (because that’s what the pregnancy bible said to do), I called my OB who said we could wait until the next morning to see him or go in to L&D. We chose to go in. Once there I was found to be fully dilated and my daughter's feet were already in the cervical canal. We were told we had to deliver, as there was nothing they could do. I was 19 weeks, 4 days. She lived briefly for a few minutes.

We were told that I had IC and that with the next pregnancy a cerclage would be placed to ensure that I go to term.

Less than 5 months later (2009), we found out we were pregnant again. We were nervous, but I had done my research about the TVC, saw the successes of some of the ladies on this forum, plus my OB stated that he never had one fail, and we had a plan in place -possible bedrest, progesterone suppositories, frequent monitoring, etc. I had a single McDonald placed at 10 weeks, 6 days.

At 15 weeks, 6 days (it was summer and I was only working 4 days a week for 2 hours each day) I went to the MFM and my c/l had shortened from 4.1cm to 3.1 cm with funneling. I was immediately placed on strict bedrest. I got up only to use the rest room and shower every other day. I NEVER moved. My husband bought a mini-refrigerator and placed it by my bedside. Every morning before he left for work, he packed my breakfast, lunch and snacks so I would not have to leave our bed. We did everything we could to make sure we brought a live baby home.

At 19 weeks, 6 days I went to see the MFM again and was found to have funneled through the stitch. We thought, “How could this be?” We did everything! Even keeping a journal and noting the time frames I was up for when I went to the restroom. After tallying up the times daily, I was only up for a total of 20 minutes. We were doing the suppositories, drank tons of water….. we did EVERYTHING! We were rushed to the OR and an emergency cerclage placed and the failing one removed. I will spare you the rest of the negligent details that accompanied this surgery and during the days following discharge, but a few days later at 20 weeks, 3 days I delivered my son Evan stillborn due to an infection caused by the lack of antibiotics given by the dr that did the rescue cerclage.

I was like many of you. I said, "I am not meant to be a mother". Why else would I lose TWO babies? I never had anything done to my cervix prior to getting pregnant, had no risk factors, nothing. How could this happen to me? Why am I being punished? I felt God was telling me “you are not meant to be a mother.”

After a few months, and many women from this forum reaching out to us, we decided to research the TAC as our desire for children far outweighed our fears. After researching, speaking to a few ladies who have had success with the procedure, being scammed by a Dr., and talking to Dr. Davis, we made the decision to do the TAC. Even after other Drs. that we consulted with said we could have another TVC and just “relax” at home. After battling with our insurance company (who denied Dr. Davis and Dr. Haney), we found an awesome Dr., 4 hours away who performs TACs. We met with her, put her through the grinder with our 104 questions (yes, we had that much), we prayed about it and knew that we were making the right decision.

On April 27^th, 2010 we traveled to Gainesville Florida and had the traditional TAC done pre-pregnancy. I went into and left the OR room smiling (so they tell me). When they asked me in the OR what I was there for, the Dr. said I threw my hands up in the air, laughed giddily and said “I am getting the Trans Abdominal Cerclage that will help me to get to full term and bring a baby home!”

Hebrews 10:23 says, Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering for he who promised is faithful. Hope is something that cannot be described. If we had let fear rule our lives, we would be most miserable!

We found ourselves unexpectedly pregnant in September 2010 while actively avoiding. To say we were panicked was an understatement. Dh had just gotten laid off after being with his company for 9 years and there are simply no jobs in Florida, so we made the decision for him to go back to school. Despite the worries, we are immensely blessed and are filled with hope.

I sit here today 28 weeks pregnant with baby boy Spencer Nathan W., leading a semi-normal life. My cervix has stayed stable at 4.2cm, I still am able to work and maintain our livelihood, I'm able to still attend classes at night finishing my PhD, and so on. I say semi-normal, because we are nervous wrecks! :-). My husband won't let me do anything in the house, go shopping, nothing. But all has been well and God is still proving that he will fulfill our hearts desires and the TAC is working!

I must say I had my doubts and only recently told our families at 24 weeks. I kept thinking, "why will it work for me when nothing else has? Who is to say I wont fall in that 2%? I seem to fall into every statistic, why not this one?" Even now while typing this, I wonder “am I jinxing myself?” and I catch myself because I have hope and hope allows us to rest in safety (Job 11:18).

I sit here today in my classroom (on my lunch break of course!) as a living witness that getting the TAC is the best decision my husband and I ever made and know and believe it will result in good things. Am I still nervous? OF COURSE! Not a day goes by that I don’t feel a twinge and wonder; “Is this it?” But I trust God, my TAC, and have hope that we will get to term.

Hope is a beautiful thing and we are a bunch of courageous women who despite heartache are willing to try again. I thank everyone who has encouraged me, calmed my fears, lifted me up, prayed for me, and kept me sane. I won’t call names because you all know who you are! I cannot wait to share Spencer’s birth story with all of you 10 weeks from now and give someone else the hope, so many of you gave me.

As my favorite scripture says; For I know the thoughts I think towards you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil to give you an expected end. (Jeremiah 29:11). My expected end is on his way.

Awaiting my expected end,

Marie

Milestone # 3

2011-02-18T06:00:00.001-05:00

How many weeks: 28 weeks!

How am I feeling: Really, really, really, really confident! So much that baby plans are underway in the W. household!

Doctor’s Appointment: yesterday -great c/l measurement! Next one is 02/23/2011

Weight Gain: 6lbs

Maternity Clothes: all maternity

Baby Preparation: getting out carpets cleaned and ac vents and ducts cleaned

Gender: Boy!!! Spencer Nathan W.

Sleep: early to bed, early to rise and cannot go back to sleep so I end up praying (not a bad deal at all)

Best moment this week: hearing about my lovely cervix!

Movement: all the time. I don't think this child sleeps at all! I'm loving it! Had quite a scare the other day though, but after some coke he was up to his active self

Food cravings: Loss of appetite lately

What I miss: not waddling when I walk

What I am looking forward to: Meeting the next milestones: 32 weeks, 35, weeks, and delivery (but not anytime soon!)

Milestones: telling my ABBY & IC Forum sisters.

I received this lovely blanket from a dear friend I met a few years ago. We experienced similar losses around the same times. She just had her TAC done this past Monday and hubby and I are sooo excited for her! Please stop by and send her good tidings!

Made with love by Aunty Tonya! Thanks again T!

Awaiting my expected end,

Marie

Appointment Update

2011-02-16T10:00:00.002-05:00

See this?????

This is my cervix at 28 weeks (well 28 weeks, 2 days). The measurement at yesterday's appointment? 4.27 cm!!!!! Praise God! As usual, I was beyond nervous, but the TAC continues to hold, cervix is long, strong, curved and closed, and God continues to bless us immensely!

Just a recap from yesterdays appointment:

1.) Weight - now 180 (still 6 lbs). MFM says not to worry baby is obviously getting the nutrition he needs. I really don't know how I have gained so little - I eat like a cow! I guess all that working out over the summer increased my metabolism? Who knows!

2.) Blood Pressure - 124/65

3.) Cervical Length (I'm starting to actually love my cervix - go figure!) - 4.27cm. Last check at 24 weeks was 4.10 am.

Baby Spencer

1.) Heart Rate - 143 bpm

2.) Length - not able to tell

3.) Weight - 2lbs, 8 oz.

Questions for the MFM

1.) Last cervical length check? - 32 weeks

2.) Precautions or concerns? - None. Pretty soon I can relax completely. ha! I told him we will relax when we get to fullterm.

Overall it was a good appointment. Now I am happy for about a week and then I get worried again. Ahhh the joys of pregnancy after loss.

Thanks for all the support ladies!

BTW:// the one question everyone seems to ask is "how did you keep it a secret for so long?" Let me tell you it can be done. The weather has actually worked to my advantage for the past 2 -3 months. It has been extremely cold in Florida (and my classroom is always cold anyway). Hubby's sweaters and my winter coat did an awesome job of hiding the bump. So for those of you who want to wait to tell your families, it can be done. Large clothing is a must, and when others (nosy folks) ask if you are, simply reply with "so, are you calling me fat?" It shuts them up immediately! :-)

Awaiting my expected end,

Marie

27 Weeks

2011-02-10T08:00:00.002-05:00

How many weeks: 27 weeks!

How am I feeling: optimistic?

Doctor’s Appointment: yesterday -passed my glucose test! Next appointment: 02/15 -cervical length check

Weight Gain: 6lbs

Maternity Clothes: all maternity

Baby Preparation: created our registry (yikes!)

Gender: Boy!!! Spencer Nathan W.

Sleep: Yup, but still can't find a comfy position at night

Best moment this week: telling my students (they squealed like kindergartners - up until now when they asked I would respond with "are you saying I'm fat?")

Movement: all the time. I don't think this child sleeps at all! I'm loving it!

Food cravings: Pizza and Wings

What I miss: not waddling when I walk

What I am looking forward to: Meeting the next milestones: 28 weeks (3 days away!) , 32 weeks, 35, weeks, and delivery (but not anytime soon!)

Milestones: my OB telling us to register at the hospital and to start interviewing pediatricians (I have no idea what to ask)

Awaiting my expected end,

Marie

No Greater Love

2011-02-08T08:00:00.002-05:00

This month, Mattie had the brilliant idea of hosting 14 days of What Love Really Means. A few BLMs have written stirring posts that I encourage you to all check out. Not only are there daily posts, but giveaways as well! Please stop by and check her out. I guarantee you will not be disappointed. Mattie is the mother to one living child and two angels. You can read her story here.

In our lives (no matter how rough it may be), we all experience love at some point. Amidst the pain and heartache, instances of love have popped up in our lives whether its through a friend, other blms, family members or even total strangers.

Our Savior's Love

John 15:13 states that Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.

There is no greater love than our father's love for us. Many times we question his love (I sure did!) when we experience loss after loss, heartache after heartache, and disappointments after disappointments. We ask ourselves; "why me?" "what did I do to deserve this?". Truthfully, there are no easy answers and I definitely have none to give you. We many never even know why good people suffer or why babies have to die, but I do know he loves us with an agape love. I know that when we hurt, he hurts. I know when we feel disappointed, he feels disappointment. I know that when we meet with roadblocks after roadblocks, he weeps with us. When Lazarus dies, Jesus wept. When he was being crucified, he asked for forgiveness for his accusers. Despite all the trials and tribulations we face, he loves us more than we will ever know and made the ultimate sacrifice for us. Someone asked me the question once, "would you give up your child to save others?". To which I responded, "HELL NO!" This is what our Savior did. He gave up his son that we may have life and have it more abundantly. There is no greater love than the love of our heavenly father.

A Mother's Love

"A mother's love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity, it dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path."-- Agatha Chris

I have said this before, but a mother's love knows no limits, no boundaries, no ends. I never knew true unconditional love until I became a mother. Granted, I only knew them physically for a few minutes, but when I looked at my babies, I saw no deformities, no translucent skins, nothing that others would normally cringe at. I saw flawless beauty in both Alyssa-Joy and Evan. Others seem to shudder when they see me holding my "dead" babies, but I see love radiating amongst the sorrow of the moment. It does not matter how small they were or how underdeveloped they were, they were my babies and they were perfect in every way and I dare anyone to say otherwise. There is no greater love than a mother's love and I am sure those of you with living children and angel babies can attest to that fact. I will fight for the memory of my children and as short as I am, I can put up a hell of a fight!

A Spouse's Love

Love means to commit oneself without guarantee, to give oneself completely in the hope that our love will produce love in the loved person. Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love. ~ by Erich Fromm ~

Marriage is not an easy feat. I will be the first to say that. However, when you find the right someone love is a beautiful thing. My husband and I have had our share of problems, but we remind ourselves that we took vows and ultimately love conquers all. God is the head of our lives and because we love him, we love each other more. Marriage is about communication, trust, keeping no secrets, holding no grudge. Marriage is about forgiveness and seeing the faults in yourself first. I chose to love my husband unconditionally after the my love for God. He sure does have his faults (!), but I look at his positive attributes and praise God for blessing me with a good man. I have a man who is a hard worker, who love and often talks about his kids, who goes out of his way to be a blessing to others, who loves me like Christ loves the church. Divorce is not an option for us (though I am not condemning those who go this route) therefore we make it a priority to communicate, show trust, and give love freely.

My love for my husband is greater than any other.

The Love of (for) Others (BLMS)

Love is the best medicine, and there is more than enough to go around once you open your heart. - Julie Marie

Love is going out of your way to show someone you care. We are all connected through loss, but the love we have for each other is remarkable! I often wonder what would do without the support of all of you. We love each other with a compassionate love. We share those we love with each other (our most prized possessions), share our intimate secrets with each other, and give support freely. This is an amazing love and there is no greater love than the love we blms have for each other.

All these speak of what love really means to me. Love has no limits, boundaries, ends. It is not based on what we can do for each other, it is not contingent on anything, it is limitless, supportive, understanding, tolerant despite each others beliefs. It is patient, kind, warm, pure, and without undue intention. Despite the circumstances of how we met, despite our everyday situations, we love each other and there is no greater love.

Awaiting my expected end,

Marie

PTS?

2011-02-03T06:00:00.000-05:00

I *think* I am suffering from Post Traumatic Stress. This pregnancy is going well (thank heavens!), but I am still consumed daily with "what ifs?" I have a dull ache that in my left arm that shows up every time a negative thought enters my mind.

I am at the point where I am no longer worried about my cervix, but a new worry has entered my mind: premature labor. I almost hate putting it into the atmosphere. Even though I never suffered from PTL in past pregnancies, it is a worry that I have now. I do not want a premature baby. I want a full term baby and am willing to do whatever it takes to get Spencer to full term.

Don't get me wrong, I pray constantly and thank God for getting me this far and KNOW he will take us farther, but the nervousness is still there. Unfortunately, after speaking to a few more blms they tell me the nervousness never goes away, even after the little one comes. hmm........

I will be mentioning these feelings to my dr. at the next appointment and see what he thinks. For those of you who now have your rainbows, did these feeling or thoughts plague you at all? How did you handle it

Awaiting my expected end.

14 Days of Love

2011-02-02T08:10:00.004-05:00

I usually don't participate in events like this (other than the 25 days of giveaways), but this topic was simply too irresistible to pass up! This month Mattie will be hosting for the next 14 days, 14 amazing women sharing what love really means to them! Please stop by and read some stirring posts from some awesome BLMs.

Awaiting my expected end.

26 Weeks!!!

2011-02-01T06:10:00.001-05:00

How many weeks: 26 weeks!

How am I feeling: dare I say excited!

Doctor’s Appointment: February 9th (GD test appointment)

Weight Gain: 6lbs - boo!

Maternity Clothes: all maternity

Baby Preparation: nothing major-according to Larry (if you call getting ready to redo our bathroom and bedroom nothing major)

Gender: Boy!!! Spencer Nathan W.

Sleep: Yup, but can't find a comfy position at night

Best moment this week: finally telling my co-workers

Movement: All the time. I don't think this child sleeps at all! I'm loving it!

Food cravings: Pub.lix Tuna Subs - which I can't have - double boo!

What I miss: Sleeping through the night without getting up to pee 3 or 4 times a night.

What I am looking forward to: Meeting the next milestones: 28 weeks, 32 weeks, 35, weeks, and delivery (but not anytime soon!)

Milestones: Getting to 26 weeks

Awaiting my expected end.

Breaking the News

2011-01-29T17:30:00.002-05:00

So we told my family last week......................... lets just say it did not go so well. First up was telling my twin sister. After my class got out that night, I called her while driving on the I-75 (using an earpiece of course-safety first always). I knew she already knew because she had found my blog, but wanted to "officially" confirm the news and explain why I chose to not say anything. I knew there would be some hurt feeling, but I also walked away from the conversation extremely hurt. The comment that got to me? "Why didn't you just wait until after the baby was born to tell me?" Now this may seem like a simple comment to you, but it was how it was said that drove a knife through my heart. She expressed that she was happy for me, but that it would take her a while to get over it. Sadly, she has not spoken to me since and I am left wondering, how long will the silence last?

Next up were my father and step-mother. Again, they did not take it so well. Hubby and I sat there for an hour listening to how they were hurt (mostly my step-mom) and they cant believe that we "hid" it from them, and how they would never have forgiven us if something had happened and they were left in the dark. hey too, expressed happiness, but said it was "immature" of hubby to not force me to tell.

Are we the only ones that understand the logic or why we wanted to wait before saying anything?

Next up was my older sister. Who took it the same as everyone else. She also sated that she was hurt and that I should have at least told my dad and twin sister.

Last up was my grandmother. Oh the wisdom of the elderly! She explained why we should have said something, but that she understood. She stated that at the end of the day, whether or not we told my parents in the beginning or the end, they would still worry, and why would we not want the support regardless of the outcome? She reinforced the fact that they (father and step-mom) loved us both and only want what is best for us so we should never have left them in the dark.

Again, are we the only ones that understood the logic behind why we chose not to say a word? That nigh and the days following left me feeling crappy. Thank heavens for some good friends who encouraged me! Hubby finally said something to me that made sense. At the end of the day we made the decision that we felt was best.

So the experience of telling our families was not a good one, but friends took it extremely well. How sad is that? Friends took it better than family.

Oh well!

BTW-I noticed I lost a follower. I know hearing about subsequent pregnancies are hard and it is never my intention to hurt anyone. My only hope from this blog is to help others through my experience. To those who have stuck with me, thank you so much for all your support and understanding. If you are still waiting for your miracle, please know that I am praying constantly for you and hope to one day share your journey with you.

Awaiting my expected end.

2011-01-24T19:39:00.002-05:00

How many weeks: 25 weeks!

How am I feeling: still nervous but optimistic

Doctor’s Appointment: regular OB appointment tomorrow

Weight Gain: 4lbs

Maternity Clothes: a combination.

Baby Preparation: bought 7 adorable outfits

Gender: Boy!!! Spencer Nathan W.

Sleep: Yup, but can't find a comfy position at night.

Best moment this week: feeling confident enough to start buying some outfits.

Movement: All the time. I don't think this child sleeps at all! I'm loving it!

Food cravings: homemade french fries. Y-U-M!

What I miss: Sleeping through the night without getting up to pee 3 or 4 times a night.

What I am looking forward to: Meeting the next milestones: 26 weeks, 28 weeks, 32 weeks, 35, weeks, and delivery (but not anytime soon!).

Milestones: Getting to 25 weeks

Catching Up

2011-01-20T06:30:00.000-05:00

I finally have the courage to post a pregnancy update. Dare I say I feel "normal?" Pushing all thoughts of "jinxing" myself aside and taking a plunge.

How many weeks: 24 weeks, 4 days

How am I feeling: Grateful but nervous

Doctor’s Appointment: Regular OB appointment on Tuesday January 25th

Weight Gain: 4lbs

Maternity Clothes: A combination.

Baby Preparation: No, but I did create a wish list. don't have the courage to do a registry yet so for now a wish list will do.

Gender: Boy!!! Spencer Nathan W.

Sleep: Yup! I love my sleep unless I'm nervous.

Best moment this week: Seeing Spencer grow and learning of my AWESOME c/l!

Movement: All the time. I don't think this child sleeps at all! I'm loving it!

Food cravings: A Co.ke Icee from 7-11 (don' judge me)

What I miss: Working out and not being nervous all the time

What I am looking forward to: Meeting the next milestones: 26 weeks, 28 weeks, 32 weeks, 35, weeks, and delivery (but not anytime soon!).

Milestones: Getting to 24 weeks

Renewed Hope

2011-01-18T11:30:00.006-05:00

How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! How great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand; when I awake, I am still with thee. (Psalm 139).

I am humbled, grateful, emotional, happy, delirious, nervous, in disbelief, over the moon... you name it, I'm feeling it. I am 24 weeks (actually 24 weeks, 2 days)! There is a plethora of emotions running through my head and heart. I am excited to be here and this pregnancy is becoming more real to me. During this moment of happiness, there is sadness as well. Sadness because I never got to experience this milestone with Alyssa-Joy or Evan. I am rejoicing, but the "if onlys" are lingering in the back of my mind.

I had my 24 week appointment yesterday and as usual, I was a nervous wreck! I did not leave my bed (thank heavens for holidays!) and spent the day researching. I wont say what, but I probably should stay away from the Internet.

At 3:00pm, we were sitting in the waiting room with our hearts in our hands anxious about what the appointment would reveal since it had been 4 weeks since our last cervical check.

These are the highlights from the appointment:

Weight - 188 (4lbs up from pre-pregnancy weight)

Blood pressure - 125/69

Baby's heart rate: 143bpm

Baby's weight: 1lb 7 oz (yikes!)

Cervical length measurement: 4.10cm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (last check was 4.03)

Precautions: Keep doing what I am doing, but relax just a little because we deserve it after all we have been through. The outcomes at this stage with this c/l is awesome compared to when we were at 20 weeks during the last pregnancy (dr's exact words).

Next appointment: Feb 15th, 2011

And for the moment we have all been waiting for...................................................................................

Introducing our Gift from God:

Spencer Nathan W.

We have a renewed hope. The TAC is working and we are grateful we made the decision to have it done. I keep thinking "what if we had followed the consultant's recommendation and done another TVC?" Would we still be at this stage? Would I still be able to work? Would my cervix still be long and closed? We will never know, but we are thankful that the Lord led us to Dr. Rodriguez and we are excited to be living testimonies to his goodness!

We are telling our families today and tomorrow and are prepared to encounter some hurt feelings. We do no expect the news to be taken with happiness and sunshine, but I hope they understand why we chose to keep it quiet for so long. Wish us luck!

I cannot thank you enough, but THANK YOU for all the well wishes, thoughts, texts, and so on. And please, do not post on face.book until we tell our families.

Awaiting my expected end,

Marie

V - Eve

2011-01-15T17:17:00.002-05:00

Anxiously awaiting midnight when we turn 24 weeks! Lounging in bed nervously counting down the hours, minutes, and seconds.........

Awaiting my expected end,

Marie

Two Questions

2011-01-13T11:15:00.003-05:00

I was asked two questions this week from a non BLM when she heard my story. "How did you handle it? How do you do it?" I then asked her if she had time because my response was going to be long.

In the past, when someone asked me how I was I would respond with, "I'm ok". Simply because I did not want to go into details and dredge up the memories of my losses which in turn would drive me into a fit of tears. These days I find myself more vocal and willing to share my experiences with others. Not because I am looking for attention, but because I want others to know of the experience and in turn hopefully be able to help someone else.

A lot of other BLMs have echoed the same sentiments. They are more vocal, want to put a face to their loss(es) and want to hopefully help someone else. Gone are the days when we would hide out losses because we feared what others would think. Gone are the days when losing a baby was regarded as a disease and a plague to be caught. Gone are the days when losses were equated with the mother taking drugs, living in poverty, smoking, drinking, and all the misconceptions that accompany a loss.

Truthfully, I am still grieving over the loss of Alyssa-Joy and Evan. Yes, the pain is not as fresh and I am able to live my life without constantly breaking down. But a particular scent, passing a specific location, an article of clothing, seeing children who would be their age, so many more will bring back that fresh wave of grief to the surface. I am grateful for resources like this that connect so many women experiencing the same emotions as I am. It makes me feel...... normal. It makes me feel.... accepted.

Being pregnant again does not take away the pain as so many others think. Being pregnant reminds me of what could have been or what should have been. Every milestone that I am currently passing is like a knife in the heart and I find myself saying, "if only". Going day to day is a struggle. I find myself saying "If this happens, I will......." Right now I am simply hanging on by a thread. I am all too aware of every sensation that takes place "down there". Every unusual feeling or twinge in a moment of weakness I ask myself , "Is this it?". I won't sit her and lie. Yes, I know God. Yes, I trust him. Yes, I have hope, but it is a struggle and I am hanging on by a thread.

I give praises every morning when I wake and every night when I go to bed and I am still pregnant and upright. Is it tough? It sure is, but I take it one. moment. at. a. time.

How did I handle it?

1.) I cried

2.) I screamed

3.) I was in denial

4.) I was pissed

5.) I prayed every day

6.) I clung to my husband and family

7.) We went on a vacation to escape the memories

8.) I ignored people

9.) I ignored babies

10.) I pleaded with God for mercy

11.) I had hope

12.) I treasured the pictures I have

13.) I stared at the pictures everyday

How do you do it?

1.) I cried

2.) I screamed

3.) I was in denial

4.) I was pissed

5.) I prayed every day

6.) I clung to my husband and family

7.) We went on a vacation to escape the memories

8.) I ignored people

9.) I ignored babies

10.) I pleaded with God for mercy

11.) I had hope

12.) I treasured the pictures I have

13.) I stared at the pictures everyday

I do all these things and more every. single. day.

Awaiting my expected end,

Marie

New Chapter!!!!

2011-01-09T10:54:00.005-05:00

The LORD hath done great things for us; whereof we are glad - Psalm 126:3

For the past two years I have been stuck in a rut (so to speak). The pregnancy "bible" also known as What to Expect When You're Expecting is used by many, kept in purses, on bedside tables and in cars. For some pregnant women it sits beside the actual Bible as it is that important. Since 2008, I have been unable to pass this chapter:

This morning, I woke up with a smile on my face. I looked over at Larry (bad breath, crusty eyes and all) and shouted "I CAN FINALLY TURN THE PAGE!!!!!!!!". For two years there has been a ratty pink post it on the new chapter (I removed it for the picture) and I have willed, begged, and prayed to get to this chapter:

He has done great things and we are eternally grateful! I am 23 weeks today and I am grateful! I have never been able to get to this chapter and to look at this page makes it real. Viability is now so close, I can smell it! I cannot wait to wake up next Sunday (Lord willing) and shout "WE MADE IT!!!!!!".

Thank you for all the prayers, words of encouragements and good wishes.

Awaiting my expected end,

Marie

Moody, Emotional, and Filled with Attitude

2011-01-04T08:08:00.003-05:00

I finally spilled the beans to my principal. His response?

Mr. L : I already knew

Me: How did you know?

Mr. L: You have been extra vocal lately.

Me: I am always vocal!

Mr. L: Yea, but you are now moody, vocal with an attitude, and emotional.

Me: hmm.

I did ask him not to tell anyone, not even his assistant principal (she spilled the beans to the entire faculty when I was pregnant with Evan). He said it was not his place to tell, but he was surprised how long I kept it hidden and he did not push because he knew I would come to him when I was ready.

I decided to tell him because I had to explain why I kept leaving early for dr. appointments.

Apparently, the support leadership team has been trying to "figure" me out. These group of ladies (ESE specialist, Reading Specialist, Curriculum Specialist, Guidance Counselor, Assistant Principal - ALL chatter boxes) eat lunch together and I have been the topic of conversation for months. They *suspect*, but don't know for sure because apparently, I waddle, am limping, have a handicap sticker in my car, and have been giving an attitude when I am advocating for my students. Hmmm. I wasn't aware of that.

My principal did agree that I am a very private person and if I chose not to tell anyone then that was my business. I completely agree. I also told him that I had another 2-3 weeks in the danger zone before I felt comfortable enough to start telling/confirming it.

Moody, emotional and filled with attitude? Yup! Thats me!

Awaiting my expected end,

Marie

The Customary New Year's Post

2011-01-03T10:31:00.003-05:00

I know, I'm a few days late but better late than never right? :-) I have been laying low for a few days (been forced actually). I am now 22 weeks, 1 day (praise God!) and my paranoid husband has been making me take it easy.

Last year, I claimed 2010 as the year of promises fulfilled. Though 2010 was rocky, promises were fulfilled.

1.) I was able to have my TAC placed

2.) Though hubby lost his job, he enrolled in school

3.) I have a smaller class size

4.) Even though we wanted to wait, I got pregnant while actively trying to avoid (still a blessing)

5.) My cervix has been holding and continues to hold even while I am still working

Even though there were some disappointments, the positives far outweighed the negatives.

This year, I am claiming 2011 as the year of Expected Ends. I am pretty sure you all already know my favorite scripture (Jeremiah 29:11) and the fact that it states he will give us an expected end. There are so many BLM's that are expecting their rainbows and have been trudging along with constant monitoring. There have also been some BFP's lately and I am praying that they also have an uneventful pregnancy. Sure, the nervousness is still there, in fact it never goes away even after the baby is born I'm told. Promises are being fulfilled for many and I am praying that promises come to fruition for those of you still waiting. Whether your expected end comes with a pregnancy resulting in a full term birth, peace reigning in your hearts, successful adoptions, marriages mended, families mended and so on. I know what I am hoping for this year.

I am entering this new year filled with expectations and positive vibes. I hope you all join me on this journey of positive thinking.

Awaiting my expected end,

Marie

I Have Loved You From the Very Start

2010-12-27T13:18:00.009-05:00

I loved you from the very start…

You stole my breath, embraced my heart.

Our life together has just begun,

You’re part of me, my little one.

As mother with child, each day I knew

My mind would be filled with thoughts of you.

I’m daydreaming of the things we’ll share,

Like late-night bottles and teddy bears.

Like first steps and skinned knees,

Like bedtime stories and ABC’s.

I’m thinking of things you’ll want to know,

Like how birds fly and flowers grow.

I’ve thought of lessons I’ll need to share,

Like standing tall and playing fair.

When I first see your precious face,

I’ll pray your life be touched with grace.

I’ll thank the angels from above,

And promise you unending love.

Each night I’ll lay you down to sleep,

I’ll gently kiss your head and cheek.

I’ll count your little fingers and toes,

I’ll memorize your eyes and nose.

I will linger at your nursery door,

Awed each day that I love you more.

Through misty eyes, I’ll dim the light,

And whisper, “I love you” every night.

As mother with child our journey’s begun,

My heart’s yours forever, little one.

I loved you from the very start…

You stole my breath, embraced my heart.

Awaiting my expected end,

Marie

Big Step!

2010-12-24T11:52:00.002-05:00

Call me crazy or call me optimistic (I choose optimism). This morning hubby and I made a HUGE step (huge to us). We removed two large rubber.maid containers from the back of the closet. What are in these containers you may ask? All my maternity clothes that I wore with Alyssa-Joy and Evan. We removed all my "regular" clothes from the hangers, folded them, and replaced them with the mounds of maternity clothes I had stored.

Truly, my regular clothes were not cutting it anymore. No one knows that I am pregnant and I usually cover my "regular" clothes with a large sweater. It seems that my bump grew overnight and the choice was made to start wearing the maternity outfits. We still choose to not tell anyone until 24 weeks.

I consider this a huge step and I am optimistic that I will get to enjoy wearing them for the next 4 and a half months.

Awaiting my expected end,

Marie

More...

2010-12-23T10:39:00.003-05:00

Today I am 20 weeks, 4 days. I am more pregnant than I have ever been in the past. I am quite emotional today with gratitude, elation, and I'm somewhat relieved. Two major milestones have passed and now the countdown begins to 24 weeks (only 30 days away). It is so close I can smell it. I am really starting to believe that we will being this baby home.

For I know the thoughts I think towards you Saith the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil to give you an expected end. Jeremiah 29:11

Awaiting my expected end,

Marie

Appointment Update

2010-12-21T09:36:00.003-05:00

Psalm 147:13 - For he hath strengthened the bars of thy gates; he hath blessed thy children within thee.

My heavens! Cervix is measuring 4.03 cm! Praise God! It has been consistently measuring at 3.5 and now, 2 weeks later it is 4.03 cm. All I can say is wow! Everything looks good, I gained 3lbs total (177) so far and blood pressure is good.

Baby weighs 13 oz , is measuring 2 days ahead, and everything looks good. The downside is my next appointment is in 4 weeks instead of 2 weeks. Thats okay, I can always ask my OB for a c/l check for peace of mind. The MFM did remind to keep taking it easy, as some women when they see their cervical length remaining stable, they start to act like a normal pregnant women. Um... does he know who is talking to? The Queen of Anxious! I will definitely not be taking any liberties.

I did promise myself that I will relax after this appointment, so now I am trying to find a way to reward myself. What to do or buy? Any suggestions?

In other news, I am planning a slumber party for the women in my family and have no idea what to do. Yes, can you believe I have never attended a slumber party so I need some suggestions or advice on some things to do. Thanks!

Awaiting my expected end,

Marie

1 Down, 1 to Go...

2010-12-20T19:03:00.002-05:00

Sorry it took so long to update gang! I have had so much to do preparing for the winter break. :-)

Well, I made it through the first milestone. It was nerve-wracking to say the least. I prayed a lot last Wednesday, sat a lot, pleaded a lot, and drank TONS of water. Praise God, I made it through.

Had an appointment on Thursday (no u/s, just regular OB appointment), and according to the nurse I gained TEN pounds. Ummm no. I don't agree. I weigh myself every morning and my scale says 3lbs and besides it was 50 degrees that day and I had on many layers. When she told me that, my blood pressure shot through the roof! Heartbeat was well and fundal height was right on target.

My next milestone is this coming Wednesday (20 week, 3 days). I have an appointment with the MFM tomorrow morning at 8:30 am and as usual, my heart is doing the anxiety ridden tap dance. I did promise myself that if my 20 week u/s showed a stable cervix, I was going to *try* to relax and enjoy this pregnancy. I have been doing really well with laying down as much as possible and taking it easy. Hoping for a good appointment and a stable cervical length measurement tomorrow! Praising God for his goodness and grace.

For those of you with a cerclage (vaginal or abdominal), did your Dr. apply pressure to the stomach when measuring the cervical length? When I was pregnant with Evan, at my 20 week appointment, the MFM applied pressure to my stomach and that is when we noticed the cerclage was failing and the sac was descending. Of course we know how that ended, so I am undoubtedly nervous that he will apply pressure. Is this customary for them to do?

Brief note - hubby and I are back at square one :-(. They were not approved to advertise for the position and the hiring department was apologetic and stated that when they do get additional funding they will keep him in mind. Bummer! We are okay though. We are trusting God and his plans. Please pray for my husband. It is hard for a man who is used to working from the age of 16 to suddenly not working for 8 months. He is getting discouraged so please whisper his name when you meet with the Master in your secret place.

Thanks in advance gang and I will update you after my appointment tomorrow.

Awaiting my expected end,

Marie

19 weeks, 3 days

2010-12-15T08:49:00.003-05:00

Well, its here and boy am I nervous! Hoping I get through the day unscathed without any mental breakdowns. Hubby and I got up early this morning to pray and I left my house singing "create in me a clean heart and purify me....". This song keeps resonating in my head and heart this morning. I covet your prayers eagerly this morning.

Also, please pray for hubby as he goes in today to negotiate his salary for his new job. We are praying for favor with this matter. If he can get to as close to what he was making before, we will be grateful.

Psalm 5:12
Surely, LORD, you bless the righteous; you surround them with your favor as with a shield.

Thank you so very much.

Awaiting OUR expected end,

Marie

The Dreaded Gestation.....

2010-12-13T14:01:00.004-05:00

..... is here! Yikes!

I am 19 weeks 1 day today. In 2008, I went in to labor with Alyssa-Joy at 19 weeks, 3 days and she was delivered and returned to our Savior at 19 weeks, 4 days. In 2009, Evan died from an infection at 20 weeks, 2 days and was delivered at 20 weeks, 3 days. To say that so far I am an emotional wreck is an understatement. I keep reminding myself; "I have the TAC! I have the TAC! I have the TAC! I have the TAC! I have the TAC!"

Please pray for my sanity these next few days as the apprehension is at an all time high (through the roof actually). I want to blink and these next two weeks have passed.

In other news, 4 more school days until Christmas vacation, 7 more days until my next c/l measurement, 5 more weeks until 24 weeks............

Oh Lord, thou hast searched me and known me.

Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thoughts afar off. - Psalm 139

Awaiting my expected end (great c/l and still working!)

Marie

My Life These Days

2010-12-10T14:04:00.000-05:00

I have always prided myself as being independent and find it quite comical and irritating that the things that I am usually able to do, I have to be "assisted".

These days I can be found with this - (go.ogle image)

The perk - parking right at the door of any building I frequent.

The downside - having everyone look at me funny to see what my disability is.

These days I can be found doing this -

(please excuse the irritated look on my face)

The perk - not having to maneuver the entire store.

The downside - bumping into EVERYTHING!

These days I can be found doing this -

No judgement please regarding the satin cap on my head or the wearing of dh's sweater- it was a lazy Saturday morning!

The perk -getting help in the kitchen from hubby

The downside - maneuvering around the kitchen is quite tough on a computer chair!

These days I can be found doing this -

(Go.ogle image)

This is how I teach most days. Yes. On a stool.

The perk - knowing that I am not on my feet too much (gravity is not my friend!)

The downside - Feeling guilty about not being able to circulate like I used to. I am a hands on teacher and believe in circulation and close proximity. I walk around periodically throughout, but other than that my tush is parked.

When I get home, my tush is always here-

(another goog.le image, but hey it looks just like me bedroom set)

The perk - being catered to.

The downside - losing much of my independence.

Each Saturday morning at 8:00 am, I can be found anxiously waiting on this -

(goog.le image)

Yup! A shot in the ass (pardon my french).

The perk - a calm uterus.

The downside - the pinch of the needle, the burning sensation and the soreness of my posterior for days.

Despite all these changes, I am still blessed and count it all joy! It will be soooo worth it in the end. I promise you - I don't always look this bad. I am quite fly when I put my mind to it, but these days the fatigue is wearing me out and most days at home I have on no make-up, hair is not done, and I am wearing hubby sweaters since for the past few days is has been 30+ degrees in Florida!

Hope you all got a laugh at my expense today :-).

Awaiting my expected end (great c/l and still working!),

Marie

Due Date

2010-12-09T14:39:00.003-05:00

Today my heart is heavy. Today was the day I was supposed to meet my son last year. The day that we all looked forward to, we planned for, we just knew would come. Sadly, it did not. December 9th, will never mean the same to us again. It is a reminder of how our hearts are shattered and are still mending. It is a reminder of dreams lost, faith diminished, bitterness, sadness.

Despite the sadness of this day, we know our son is being taken care of by our almighty Savior. We take comfort knowing that we will spend eternity with him giving him the hugs, kisses and cuddles we longed to give him. His time with us on Earth was short, but we know that forever has no end and we look forward to that day.

My Little Angel

You’ve just walked on ahead of me
And I’ve got to understand
You must release the ones you love
And let go of their hand.
I try and cope the best I can
But I’m missing you so much
If I could only see you
And once more feel your touch.
Yes, you’ve just walked on ahead of me
Don’t worry I’ll be fine
But now and then I swear I feel
Your hand slip into mine.

- author unknown

We love and miss you Evan!

Awaiting my expected end,

Marie

Appointment Update

2010-12-08T10:32:00.002-05:00

How precious are thy thoughts unto me, O God! How great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with thee. - Psalm 139

Can I just say I love my blog family??? I was always wary about "putting my business out there" and meeting people on the net. When a friend told me years ago that she was trying online dating, my response to her was; "ARE YOU CRAZY!!!! Do you know how many psychos troll the net?". Who would have thought that I would have met so many who would be my biggest supporters over the net? Women (maybe men too?) who probably know more than my husband and family. Women who know my most intimate thoughts. The net can be a wonderful place!

Thank you so much for the comments. I read them repeatedly and shed some tears. It is great to know that I am not alone and others share the same feelings. THANK YOU ALL.

Every appointment for me is nerve wracking. I literally lay on the tiny bed (why are they so tiny anyway?) shivering in fear. I kept repeating the scripture "for God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind" over and over again while clenching my hands behind my head.

My poor husband sits there shaking his head and rubbing my arms because he knows I am panicking deep inside. I am soo grateful that I have a Dr. who is willing to see me whenever I need reassurance. Cervix is STILL stable measuring over 3.5 cm. It is still long, curved and closed with no funneling in sight! Praise God! Baby had its legs crossed and weighs a whopping 9 oz! Unofficially (since it was an unofficial u/s - off the record) everything looks great, lips, heart, brain, spine, fingers, toes, the whole works. So far we have a healthy baby and we are happy!

I left the appointment emotional because I am in awe that God continues to show us he is in control of every situation. I am still working, completing my Ph.D at nights, am still upright and so on. I am so thankful and I'm starting to believe that I am bringing this baby home come April/May.

Thank you so much for the good thoughts, prayers, and well wishes. They are very much appreciated.

Awaiting my expected end (great c/l and still working!),

Marie

Barrage of emotions

2010-12-07T08:44:00.003-05:00

Hello ladies!

Has it really been two weeks since my last post? Good grief! I have deliberately been laying low these past few weeks though. Thanksgiving was tough, Alyssa-Joy's birthday and angelversary, Evan's birthday coming up, and the approach of the gestations when I gave birth has really gotten me down in the dumps. I have been ridden with anxiety lately. E-X-T-R-E-M-E anxiety. So much that I find myself crying at odd times throughout the day. Thank heavens for my students! They keep the most of the tears at bay. I am currently experiencing a barrage of emotions and I am a mess!

Sadness - I am sad to celebrate another holiday childless. I am sad that we had to light a candle in remembrance instead of lighting a candle on a birthday cake. I am sad to be known as a BLM.

Anxiety - I am really anxious these days! I am currently 18 weeks, 2 days and I am fearing the unknown.

Fear - Every twinge I feel - I ask myself "is this it?". I know I have the TAC, but the fear is still there.

Guilt - I feel guilty as well (does that make any sense?). I ask myself, "why me?". There are so many others so much more deserving than me who should be experiencing another pregnancy.

Many who are still struggling to conceive, dealing with the memory of fresh losses, recurrent miscarriage, and so on. Every day that I am still upright, I praise God, but cannot believe that I will make it through this pregnancy unscathed. My cervix continues to stay stable and above 3.5 (at least from the last appointment) and I am still working.

Happiness - I am happy to be expecting again and pray that this results in a rainbow.

There are so many more emotions that I am experiencing right now, but worry is the main one. I worry about EVERYTHING! In fact, I have another cervical length check today and I am worried about that! I find myself asking "what if?". Hubby says I worry too much and everything will turn out fine, and my come back to that is "I don't think you understand how I feel!"

I have made the painstaking and final decision to tie my tubes at the end of this pregnancy. Mentally, I cannot go through another pregnancy and have begun the process of getting all the paperwork in order. Do you know that at 26 they hesitate to tie your tubes? That I have to get a mental health evaluation and prove that I am of sound mind? Amazing.

Please keep us in prayer that at today's appointment, my cervix is stable, long, strong, and above 3.5 cm.

Awaiting my expected end

Marie

So Much......

2010-11-25T09:04:00.003-05:00

I have so much to be thankful for on this day. I thank our Savior everyday, but on this day of thanksgiving, I am overwhelmed.

I am thankful for my husband. We have our ups and downs and are by no means perfect, but we work hard to understand each other, we respect each other and we love each other.

I am thankful for my family. My stepmom, dad, sisters, and brother are my life. As opinionated as they are, they are always there loving me, supporting me.

I am thankful for my angels. Alyssa-Joy and Evan have taught me unconditional love. They have made me a better person, wife, daughter, sister, teacher, friend.

I am thankful for jobs. Yup! You read that right! We BOTH have jobs. Praise God!

I am thankful for my savior and his provisions. Hubby had been unemployed for 8 months, but God provided in unmeasurable ways. We were never without want.

I am thankful for a super long cervix. At my appointment yesterday, my cervix measured 3.58 cm. It was long, curved and closed tight. At this gestation last year, 16 weeks, I was on bedrest completely funneled to the stitch. God is indeed good.

I am thankful for the struggles I have had in life. The good and the bad has defined who I am today.

I am thankful for all of you. My IC sisters, my ABBY sisters, and my blog sisters. Thank you for your many prayers, well wishes, good thoughts, and constant support. I could not have walked this journey without all of you.

Happy Thanksgiving! May your day be filled with joy, bittersweet happiness, may it be uneventful, and may peace reside in your hearts.

Awaiting my expected end (great c/l and still working!),

Marie

Please send some love to Mattie....

2010-11-24T07:32:00.002-05:00

I logged on to face book this morning and my heart sank. Please stop by and send Mattie some love. Her rainbow baby went back to be with our Savior in front of their eyes yesterday afternoon. She is being induced today. In September 2009 she lost her little girl Shyla Joy and now Jakin has left to be with his sister. God healed his heart, just not the way we wanted.

Let us flood her with some love.

Thank you so very much.

Awaiting my expected end (great c/l and still working!),

Marie

Shocked, blessed, thankful.......

2010-11-19T12:12:00.003-05:00

I am sitting on my lunch break eating a delicious Thanksgiving meal that our Social Committee provided. While giving thanks, how appropriate that something awesome should happen when I least expect it. I am even now more convinced that God knows the desires of our hearts and makes a way before we even know about it.

I got a phone call from an unknown number. Usually, if I don't recognize a number I let it go to voicemail. If they don't leave a message then obviously the call was not important. I let this call go to voicemail and listened to the message that was left.

Lo and behold it was a message from my insurance company asking me to call them. I called the number that was given and spoke to Rose.lyn. Rose.lyn is the OB Nurse Coordinator. These individuals (to my knowledge) almost never deal with clients. Ladies, what she said was shock and a blessing which left me thankful - hence the title of this post.

After she verified my information, she stated who she was and the first thing she said was that she was personally taking on my case. She said she reviewed my history and felt compelled to be my personal case manager. She expressed her condolences for my losses and stated that she is prepared to do everything in her power to "not let me have another 20 week delivery". She stated that she will personally work with my OB and the MFM to coordinate the best possible care. She asked if I was on bedrest and I told her no. I had surgery in April to decrease the likelihood of that happening. She said "good girl - great planning". I let her know that this pregnancy was actually a surprise and her response was "God bless you". She said that if there was any possibility of me going on bedrest, she will work with my employers to get me the best short term disability they have to offer (with sufficient payment). She has worked with the school board before and know how they operate so if the need arises, there should be no roadblocks. If necessary, she will also find someone to come to my house to cook and clean and they will cover the cost if no one is available to help me.

I told her about my P17 shots that I am supposed to be getting next week and she said that she will write up the authorization immediately so that when I get to my OB's office for my appointment next week, they will have to go through no red tape. She gave me her office and cell phone number and told me to call her anytime if I have any concerns or questions. She reiterated that she will not let me have another 20 week delivery without putting up a fight, and reminded me to eat lots of fruits and vegetables to ward off constipation, to drink oodles of water to ward off contractions and UTI's as these increase the chances for premature contractions.

A Matria Nurse is available to come to the house to administer the p17 shots or I can arrange with my OB to have the shots done at his office. Whatever we decide I should let her know.

Let me tell you, I got off the phone crying into my turkey dish. How good is my God? Is this even customary for an insurance company to do this? This call was not expected and you can imagine my shock when I spoke to her. I am so thankful. I am praising God right now for his blessings and provisions over our lives. I am thanking him for placing this on the heart of this lady. I am thanking him for the seen and unseen. I am thanking him for continually thinking of us and blessing us when we least expect him and even when we have doubt in our hearts.

Right now I am looking at a verse of scripture I have posted in my classroom : For ALL the promises of God are yea, and in him amen, unto the glory of God by us - II Corinthians 1:20.

Thank you ladies for continually keeping us in prayer. I know that there are strength in numbers, and where two or three are gathered together, he ALWAYS shows up and makes provisions.

God is indeed good!

Awaiting my expected end (great c/l and still working),

Marie

2010-11-17T08:00:00.000-05:00

Hey gang! Thanks so much for the comments and well wishes. I have decided to speak to Larry, write my sister a letter (I am too coward to do it in person) to let them know exactly how I feel.

Today I am 15 weeks 3 days. It is at 15 weeks 6 days that I started having cervical changes with Evan and went on bedrest. My next appointment is not until 16 weeks, 2 days (MFM) and 16 weeks 3 days (OB). I will be calling my OB to see if we can move the appointment up or even push it back since it makes no sense to have appointments back to back. I am also scheduled to get my first P17 shot next week. Definitely not looking forward to that! We will also find out the gender next week.... well Larry will, I wont. Yes, I am still deciding to not find out until about 25 weeks, maybe even later.

I feel great, have had no discharge (knock on wood and praise God! - discharge for me is the enemy), no pressure, no nothing, I have not felt any kicks yet though and I usually start feeling them by week 14.

I was speaking to a friend the other day and I made a comment that I was treating the TAC like a TVC, and it occurred to me that I actually am! The TAC is no comparison to the TVC and since realizing that I have relaxed just a tad bit (just a tad).

A new bloggie friend asked the following question that got me thinking.

"Marie, Is it possible, even for a second, to not be afraid? after all we have been through? And despite being afraid, can we still not enjoy the pregnancy?" Is it possible? I think for me it will become enjoyable once I pass my critical weeks (16-21) and then once viability hits (even though it really isn't viability because 50/50 doesn't mean much) I will enjoy it even more. For me the fear comes from the unknown and I joke about the fact that I wish they sold ultrasound machines for the home so I can monitor myself. Thats the best answer I can come up with. Does anyone have a better answer? There are times throughout the day I find myself not afraid and I am optimistic about the future. Do I think I will bring this baby home? Absolutely! I refuse to believe I won't. Is it going to be easy holding on to that hope? Nope. But I have already made up my mind that for each milestone, a large purchase will be made.

My first purchase for hitting 16 weeks will be this.

Thanks for continuing to keep us in prayer.

Awaiting my expected end (great c/l and still working!),

Marie

Caught in the Middle

2010-11-15T08:03:00.003-05:00

Remember this incident? Well, for the past few months none of them (my husband, my sister, my step-mom) have been speaking to each other. My sister stated quite strongly that day that she will never come by my house again, and she has not since June. My step-mom is not one to hold a grudge and will love you regardless, but my husband feels out of place with the family. Part of it stems from his own insecurity and embarrassment about the situation, the fact that we have moved on and my sister still won't speak to him, and the fact that he does not want to feel uncomfortable around my sister.

Let me add, that I did not initially bring them into the situation. My husband did when he called my oldest sister that day. I would have been content leaving the situation in our house. After he called my oldest sister, it all spiraled out of control and the entire family got involved.

I sort of feel stuck in the middle. I love my husband despite his faults, and we have been through extensive counseling. I have seen where my actions could have escalated the problems we were having, and he has seen where his actions have escalated the problems we were having.

We have always been close to my family, until that "event". Now, he does not go over to their house, he no longer calls my step-mom to chat, nothing that he used to do.

The holidays are coming up (which I hate and are already hard) and we usually spend the holidays with my family. Last week he said he is not spending Thanksgiving with my family, he is staying home. I do not want to spend Thanksgiving with my family by myself while my husband stays home. So my only option is to stay home too. Who wants to spend Thanksgiving alone? If I go to my family, I will have to say why he is not there and I will feel miserable knowing he is home alone. Which leaves me with the decision to stay home as well. I will not spend the day with friends because I feel that is a time for family, especially since its around the time we lost Alyssa-Joy.

Once my sister makes up her mind that she does not like someone and will no longer speak to them, she sticks to it. I have always wanted a marriage where my spouse was close to my family, but now that does not seem to be the case. If they cannot get along now, what will happen when the baby gets here?

My sister has made snide comments of late, so I kind of avoid mentioning Larry when I am speaking to her. I do not want this kind of relationship and I am caught in the middle. I feel that right now my loyalty lies with my husband. I have been praying about it and asking God for direction, but I am still stuck.

Sorry for the rambling, but has anyone been in this situation or have any advice to offer? What do I do for the Holidays? How do I "fix" this situation (because, you know I like to fix things)? I don't want a life where no one in my family gets along, and I especially don't want my child to grow up in a situation like this.

Awaiting my expected end (great c/l and still working!),

Marie

Warnings?

2010-11-09T08:01:00.002-05:00

There is a popular scripture that says (not a direct quote) "warning comes before destruction". As I was laying in bed last night thinking about AJ and Evan, this saying popped up in my mind. Did I really receive a warning before giving birth to them?

I went back to when I was pregnant with AJ, a few weeks before I went into labor. My older sister had a dream about my mom. Keep in mind that our mom died 18 years ago at the time. She dreamt that my mom was alive and looked us up. While having a conversation with our mom she found out that our mother had another child, a daughter we knew nothing about. The odd thing was she kept speaking of the daughter in future tense. She kept saying. "she will be with me and I will love her". She kept saying how we won't know who she is and so on. At the time I thought, "oh. She is going to watch over Alyssa-Joy". Now thinking back, I find it strange that future tense was used and not past or present tense. Was that a warning? Was our mom trying to tell us something? Was she trying to prepare me for what was to come and I missed the meaning? Did I miss the warning?

When I was pregnant with Evan and on bedrest, about a week before it all went to hell, I was jerked out of sleep by the fire alarm screeching. With my heart in my throat I waddled as carefully as I could to see where the fire was. There was no fire anywhere. I opened my front door, looked around, nothing. A few minutes later the alarm stopped on its own. Needless, to say, it too a while for my heart to stop racing. Was this a warning? Was this a sign of things to come and I missed it or totally ignored it?

As confident as I am trying (forcing myself) to be this time around, I am self-consciously looking for a warning that things might go wrong. I cannot relax and enjoy this pregnancy. I cannot let my guard down and hope. I say that I trust God in one breath and in the next breath I worry. We have the opportunity to find out the gender in a few weeks, and I told hubby I don't want to know. He can find out and when I get to viability, he can tell me. Is that bad?

I sooo want to enjoy this pregnancy. I sooo want to show off my baby bump, but I am afraid of the judgements, the "oh it will be okay", the fear that if the worst happens I will have to explain to others and relive it again and again and again and again.

I stood in my house last night and rebuked the fear. Rebuked the thoughts. I made a conscious decision to *try* and enjoy it. To *try* and think of a positive future. To think that there will be no warnings because it will all turn out ok. I am praying, hoping, pleading, claiming, declaring, that ALL IS WELL and ALL WILL BE WELL.

Awaiting my expected end (awesome c/l and still working)

Marie

Update

2010-11-07T12:23:00.003-05:00

Hello gang!

Thanks so much for your supportive comments. Obviously, we weren't ready for family to know about this pregnancy just yet, especially since we are still getting used to the idea ourselves :-).

I have so many unpublished posts, but I want to update you all about my appointments first.

Since we last spoke (if one can call it that), I have had 2 appointments. We had our first appointment with the MFM two Fridays ago (10/29). Can I tell you I was a nervous wreck! I was so nervous I was shaking -literally, clammy hands and all, heart racing a mile a minute. The tech did the standard NT measurement (normal a 12.5/13/3 - hank you Jesus!), took some shots of the little one, and had then had me strip from the waist down (dildo time!). Dr. R. then came in and asked questions regarding who did my TAC and so on. I was then able to ask whatever questions I had as well. The questions I asked were:

1.) How many TAC patients have you seen?

2.) How often will I be seen?

3.) Is Betamethasone shots going to be given at 24 weeks?

4.) What is your opinion regarding modified or full bedrest this pregnancy?

5.) How do you measure the cervix with TAC patients? Do you usually include the lower uterine segment which is contracted during the first trimester?

6.) To the u/s tech - Will you always be the one doing my c/l measurements?

In a nutshell, his response to the questions were, he has treated quite a few TAC patients and they have never done bedrest so he does not anticipate that I will be on bedrest, plus a TAC hold the cervix closed. If I am worried we will take it one appointment at a time. In regards to the steroid shots for the baby's lungs, it all depends on how we progress. The same protocol is used when measuring non TAC patients. He agrees with my OB's about starting the P17 shots at 16 weeks.

After this conversation, he then uttered the dreaded words, "let's take a look a his cervix". I immediately covered my eyes and remarked that my cervix and I have a love/hate relationship. ha! I did not remove my hands from my eyes until he said "good".

Now, keep in mind, my cervix measured 3.4 cm on October 24th (8 + weeks). At this appointment, it measured............................................................... ready for this?.............................................................. 3.62 cm (12 wks, 5 days) !!!!!!!!!!!!! Yup! The doggone cervix grew! Now, this may not seem much of a difference to you, but last pregnancy, my c/l measured 4.1 cm at 10 weeks, and by 12 weeks, 5 days I was measuring only 3.5 cm. I consider this a dramatic improvement! I left the appointment with a smile on my face, praising God and more confident than ever! Praise Jesus! I see the MFM again on November 23rd.

My next appointment with my OB was pretty short (11/05). I have only gained 3 pounds so far (yay!) I showed him the note from the MFM which said my c/l was 3.3 - confused but will follow up with the MFM when we see him again. Dr. C. said he probably made a mistake. We will see because I had Dr. R. repeat my c/l several times and he said it measured 3.62 cm. I am sticking with that report especially since I wrote it down.

Dr. C. then asked the next dreaded question, "what did Dr. R. say about you not working?" I quickly told him what he said. My OB is very conservative and is quick to put me on bedrest. I reminded him that the TAC should limit the need for bedrest and there is no way I went through major surgery only to end up on bedrest when my c/l is good! If it changes, sure, but I am not anticipating much change.

So, both positive appointments so far. I am taking it easy though. I come home and I am down for the rest of the night and stay down all weekend.

Thank you so much for your prayers, well wishes and good thoughts!

On another note, another blm and one of my dearest friends recently started a blog. Please stop by and leave Tonya some love!

Awaiting my expected end (great c/l and still working!)

Marie

WELCOME Family!

2010-11-02T11:34:00.003-04:00

Hello gang!

I know its been a while, but I have a good reason. :-). I want to first say WELCOME to my family members that have found this blog. Yes, my family has found my blog, and yes I am pretty sure. How do I know? The stats button is a wonderful thing! Am I happy you are here? No. Am I happy you are reading my most intimate thoughts? No. Am I happy that I can no longer maintain a level of anonymity? No. But seeing that this blog is a public record, I have no choice but to allow you to keep reading.

So welcome. One request though, whatever you read here, please let it stay here. Now that you have knowledge of this pregnancy, please continue to pretend that you have no knowledge of it and please no opinions or judgements are needed.

I did consider abandoning ship, changing the blog address, going private, and many of the other options that are available, (and blogger does not allow password protected posts ), but as I said when I first started this blog, that if any thing good comes out of my experiences, is that I am able to help someone else. If I chose any of these options, then I am limiting the effect my experiences, my faith, and AJ's and Evan's life will have on others.

I will keep blogging about this pregnancy, my struggles, my fears, my moments of enlightenment because this is my online diary and chronicle of my life. So what ever is read here, please leave it here.

I always had my suspicions, but my suspicions were confirmed a few weeks ago. I deliberately did not blog, because I did not know what route I would take. I felt sort of violated and panicked for an instant, until I spoke to my friend Fawzia (thanks Fawzia!).

So again, WELCOME.

Has anyone else found out that their families discovered their blogs? How did you feel? What was your reaction? How did you handle it?

Awaiting my expected end.

I understand

2010-10-22T10:15:00.000-04:00

My mother died from Cervical Cancer when I was 6 years old. I still remember the night my father came home and delivered the devastating news. At the funeral, I saw my father break down and cry. Over the years, this single father of four kept his children close. Some might say we were spoiled and coddled. I say we were loved and protected.

I remember him coming into our rooms at night. I would open one eye and see him standing at the door, checking up on us before he went to bed. We were not rich by any means, but my father made sure we had all that we needed.

As we grew older, he made sure he knew how much he loved our mother and how much she loved us. Even to this day, he will send us texts (yes, my father can text - hard to believe) on their would be anniversary, on her birthday, on the day she died, and on the day her funeral was held. Even though he is remarried, he has kept her memory alive. Every year on the day she died, a memorial appears in the newspaper. He wistfully reminds us that if she were still alive, they would still be married.

I often found it strange growing up that he spoke of her as if she were still alive. He raised us the way she wanted us to be raised. He kept her memory alive for us. He made sure we had pictures, knew her personality, jokes she told, where she worked, the things she did. He made sure we never forgot our mom.

I understand. I want everyone to remember Alyssa-Joy and Evan. I want to honor their memories. I want their future sibling to know that they are directly responsible for getting his/her here safely. I want them and the effect they have had on our lives to remain and remind others that they mattered. I talk of my children daily with my husband. Their pictures hang proudly on our walls. There names are mentioned in conversation with others, they are thought of with love. I want their lives to matter, just like my father made sure my mother's life mattered.

Awaiting my expected end.

"That Place"

2010-10-20T09:30:00.000-04:00

To put it plainly, knowledge sucks. What I wouldn't give to be naive about pregnancies. As I sit here and reflect on this pregnancy, I am brought back to "that place". The place where I gave birth twice. That place where I held a baby who would not go home with me. When I go to "that place" my heart skips a beat, my eyes well up with tears, and fear enters my heart. "That place" is a place of grief, a place of loss, a place of hopelessness, a place I wish I had never encountered. "That place" is the place I said goodbye before even saying hello. "That place" was brought upon me so quickly I barely had time to process it. "That place" where my whole family grieved with me and said goodbye to their grandchildren, niece, nephews, son, and daughter.

Friday the 15th was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day and I proudly wore my pins to work. But do you know what? No one asked about them. No one asked about the significance of those pins. As we lit our candles that night, I broke down. Who would have thought that a few lit candles would incite so many emotions. I cried as the flame flickered in the moonlight. I said to Dh that we should NEVER have to observe a day such as this. No one should. We should be celebrating birthdays and milestones, not a day that we have to educate others about or light candles in memory of. I simply lost it. We sat on the couch and hugged and remembered out babies together.

I want to enter a new place. A place where my shattered heart won't ache. A place where I can smile. A place where I can feel whole (if thats even possible). Will I ever get to that place? Hubby says when we bring home this little one I won't feel whole but I will enter a new place. I wonder how true that really is.

Someone asked me if I am happy about this baby. Truthfully I could not answer. Why? I am afraid to dream, to think about the future, to think of names, to even think of the possibility. I know I have a bionic cervix, but this is what two losses do to you. It takes away your confidence. It takes away your hope. I am afraid to hope. For me its a defense mechanism. I am simply trying to protect my already fragile heart.

What do you do when you go to "that place"? Do you cry? Rant? Rave? Pray? I have tried them all. When I enter that place, I repeat my favorite scripture to myself "For I know the thoughts I think towards you; thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you an expected end" - Jer 29:11. Does it help? Not always. I have to shake myself out of it and realize that I am not in control, He is. I am simply a vessel to be used. As hard as I want to steer my own ship, I have to let go of the helm.

I want to enter a new place, and I cannot wait.

Awaiting my expected end.

This Dreaded Condition Known as Cervical Incompetence

2010-10-17T18:53:00.003-04:00

I remember the first time I heard the term "Incompetent Cervix". My first thought was, "why would anyone call it stupid?" The poor person who came up with this term was probably so frustrated that they shouted "what an Incompetent Cervix!" and the name probably stuck - ha! At least thats my interpretation of it.

The day we were discharged after giving birth to Alyssa-Joy, I hit the Internet. For those of you who don't know me well, I love researching. If I were not a teacher, I would be a professional researcher. The Dr. who saw me and delivered the devastating news at the hospital never gave me any information, and when I spoke to my OB, I was so overcome with grief that I was unable to pay attention. The net became my friend. For hours, days, weeks, I researched this condition. I read medical journals, articles, web pages, blogs, archived messages in forums, everything I could get my hands on that would inform me about this condition. I think I have mentioned before that I now know everything that can go wrong in a pregnancy, what to look for, every medical term associated with pregnancies, every NICU term and possible conditions, I know statistics, rates of survival, success rates....... you name it, I know it.

I have always agreed with the popular saying that "Knowledge is power". Oh how I would love to be blissfully ignorant. Even though this knowledge arms me with what I need, it can be downright scary at times.

It was through this grief-induced research that I stumbled across some BLM blogs. I read these blogs and could relate, but the conditions that resulted in the losses of these women were unrelated to mine and I felt somewhat out of place. Slowly over time, I found IC blogs, and boy are there many. Below are some of the *few* that I have found so far and read frequently. I have compiled this list in hopes of helping others. If through a Goog.le search they stumble across my page, I want them to be able to find other IC blogs that they can relate to. I am not diminishing the importance of other BLM blogs, but I wanted to devote this post to he condition that I suffer from. Please note that I have not included those who have the TAC and suffer from IC. For a list of those, please see this post.

1.) http://hopingforahappyfamilyafterloss.blogspot.com

2.) http://thebeautyinarainbow.blogspot.com

3.) http://thisgirl-amanda.blogspot.com

4.) http://tablefortwoandcounting.blogspot.com

5.) http://trentonjames0105.blogspot.com

6.) http://mylifeafterloss.blogspot.com

7.) http://flutterbutt.blogspot.com

8.) http://raindrops-sammy.blogspot.com

9.) http://butterflybaby15.blogspot.com

10.) http://lovingmyangels.blogspot.com

11.) http://lovinganthonyalan.blogspot.com

12.) http://rainbowbaby.blogspot.com

13.) http://gpandcounting.blogspot.com

14.) http://mirthful16.blogspot.com

15.) http://justwhatialwayswanted.blogspot.com

16.) http://imlivinonscraps.blogspot.com

17.) http://iamamommy-evenifyousayiamnot.blogspot.com

18.) http://foreverelliotsmommy.blogspot.com

19.) http://dreamsrecovered.blogspot.com

20.) http://cloudywithhope.com

21.) http://ourrainbowafterthestorm.blogspot.com

22.) http://thedewaards.blogspot.com/

23.) http://mylifeafterloss.blogspot.com/

24.) http://angels-of-tonton.blogspot.com

I am sure there are many more and I will be adding to this list when I find more (hopefully I can put it as a separate page or tab? - any suggestions?), these are just the ones I have found and currently read. I apologize if I inadvertently left anyone out.

Awaiting my expected end.

Don't forget....

2010-10-15T17:34:00.001-04:00

Please remember to light your candles at 7:00 pm tonight in memory of all our little ones born too soon.

My candles will be burning bright in honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

Awaiting my expected end.

Awareness (link overload!)

2010-10-05T12:20:00.000-04:00

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. It is a month we all wished we NEVER had to acknowledge. It is a month that we let the world know about the losses many of us experience. It is a month that we let people know, "hey, babies die and it is not always the fault of the mother". Even though it is a month of awareness, I still feel it is not acknowledged enough.

Everywhere I turn, I hear proclamations of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, Domestic Violence Awareness Month, Childhood Cancer Awareness Month, but the only places I hear about Pregnancy and Infant Loss is in blogverse or on the f.book pages of other BLM's.

I remember when I first started out on this journey. The only place I managed to stumble across about an Incompetent Cervix was the IC Forum (which I found after a random search). There were not many blogs about IC, and I felt like an outsider. Yes, there were other BLM blogs, but there losses stemmed from other misfortunes.

Before getting my TAC, the only TAC blog I knew about was Mrs. Muelly's. After a few months, Alyson got her TAC. Then little by little, I started finding other TAC blogs! As this procedure becomes more popular, more and more women affected by IC are journaling their experiences. I am happy to say that I have found 12 blogs (and counting!) from women who have had this procedure done. I am happy that so many women are contributing to making other women aware that there is still hope, and that our cervix (cervii?) can become bionic with the help of the mersiline band.

A few TAC blogs that are now "around" are:

1.) http://mytacjourney.blogspot.com

2.) http://thesteiners.us

3.)http://tacbaby.blogspot.com

4.) http://thessminnow.blogspot.com

5.)http//diariesofajadedheart.wordpress.com

6.) http://asecondline.blogspot.com

7.)http://babyisaacmichaelstokes.blogspot.com

8.)http://preggersonbedrest.blogspot.com

9.)http://missingtwinslovinggabe.blogspot.com

10.) http://thejourneyofloveandlife.blogspot.com

11.)http://thesheltontwins.blogspot.com

12.) http://ourbabyh.blogspot.com/

I am happy to see so many women discussing their experiences with the TAC. The resounding theme from all these blogs is HOPE. We all have hope and our hope maketh not ashamed.

I am so excited to walk this journey with all of you. Tomorrow, I am going to do a post about the MANY IC blogs that I have found, and boy are there many!

Awaiting my expected end.

Horrible blogger

2010-09-29T15:20:00.000-04:00

I promise to start blogging more and updating as soon as things happen. I do have an excuse though! I have been soooo busy! This year seems more busy than the last few years.

So my appointment on Friday went well. We did give the u/s tech quite a scare thought! They usually have the screen turned away from us (I guess to protect us if something ends up being wrong?) but my husband was watching the screen and I was watching his face because his face always gives it away - ha! All of a sudden during the u/s, I saw his jaw drop! Needless to say my heart started racing. He looked at the tech and asked "Is that what I think it is?" The tech then said, "let me look some more." What could it be? She thought she saw TWINS!!!!! Well, when he told me this I said "heck no! I will commit myself to the hospital now!"

After looking around some more, there turned out to be only one :-).

Bub looked good, heart rate was 145pm, I was measuring 7 weeks, 5 days (today I am 8 weeks, 3 days) which pushed my due date back a few days - now May 10th. The baby is definitely no longer the size of a grape now!

Now on to the cervix news. I walked into the appointment with my "Medical Journal". A composition book that has notes from Dr. Davis in regards to everything TAC related. Whats normal, what should happen, what should not happen, even when and how to deliver! I also had normal CL measurements vs measurements for women with IC. I asked tons of questions especially how she measured the cervix, does she measure the contracted part as well? Does she measure from the TAC down or does she measure from the top (which is the contracted part) to the bottom?

After she gave me my CL length, she realized she had done it wrong when she checked my notebook. Protocol is to not put pressure on the cervix with the wand, to take 3 measurements and use the shortest one as the official length. She took one measurement and applied pressure during the scan. I also let her know that if it was short, then thats ok because CL scans in the first trimester is not accurate and is no indicator of preterm labor.

Well, my staring CL was 3.5 cm, which is ok, but again, the next scan in the 2nd trimester will be a better indicator so I am not stressing.

I also got to see what was left of the TAC! To my untrained eye, it was barely visible (and the tech could barely see it as well). I told her thats to be expected, because the body builds a layer of flesh around a foreign object when put in.

I of course apologized to her for annoying her, but we let her know that after 2 traumatic experiences, that we have armed ourselves with knowledge to give this child a chance. I also requested that she do every CL check because I want consistency and everyone has their own way of measuring the cervix.

My OB seemed to think this was a good length, but we are believing that it will grow, and stay long and strong!

Morning sickness is still rampant, but I am dealing with it better (thanks for the advice girls!). I am sitting down more at work (which I hate, but I am trying to form a habit). I actually timed myself the other day. Throughout the entire 6 hour day (when I see students) I stand for a total of 1 hour! I sit on my stool, utilize my intern more, assign students to pick up my primary students when I need them, and so on. I hate it, but I am learning to take it easy.

The experts say it takes about 6 months to replace a job lost, and it is coming up on six months that hubby has been unemployed. I remind myself daily that this is temporary, he can't be unemployed forever! (right?) Daily, we fill out tons of applications and fax resumes, and nothing! Right now we are exploring another avenue, so please keep him in prayer.

I know I should be grateful and I am, especially when others are in worse positions. Believe me, I thank God daily! But being a control freak and having no control on the job situation right now is tough! :-) We know and believe that God has something in store, not in our time, but his time, and I do believe he is working on me giving full control to him. I'm trying Lord!

Thanks for all the kind words, thoughts, and prayers.

Awaiting my expected end

Fear...

2010-09-24T11:32:00.000-04:00

.... its creeping in.

I have an appointment this afternoon for an official cervical length check and I am nervous, scared, fearful, hopeful. The one question that keeps coming to mind is; "what if its already short?". I have been so positive lately and now the devil is trying to place doubt in my mind.

Please pray that my mind continues to be at ease and believe with us that my starting CL is >4.5 cm.

Awaiting my expected end.

Sorry ;-)

2010-09-20T07:36:00.000-04:00

* I have had this post typed for the past week and could not upload it via my I.POD.

Hello everyone! So so sorry for leaving you all in suspense. A HUGE thank you to all of you who sent emails, comments, and texts of concerns.

I can be found these days hugging the toilet seat - lol. Morning sickness is kicking my butt! I never had m/s with Alyssa or Evan, but now I can barely function. This is new territory for me..... pray for me. Ha!

So we went to our appointment last Friday and while in the waiting room I kept saying, "maybe the tests were wrong. Maybe my body is tricking itself into believing I am pregnant". Ha! "Congratulations" were the first thing out of the nurses mouth after the urine test was done.

I still say that my OB is awesome! I went in there ready with a list of demands, and before I could open my mouth, he already had a plan that aligned with mine. He was so happy to see us..... he even remembered the room number where we delivered Evan :-(. He called all his nurses and partners (we were the last appointment) to let them know about us and the fact that we have the TAC. He also wanted them to know that if we called or came in, we are to be seen immediately (I love this man). He vowed to hand us a live baby in our arms nine months from now and no a minute sooner!

The plan:

* visits and ultrasounds every other week along with CL checks

* 17P shots starting at 16 weeks

*bedrest of my cervix gets between 2.5 - 3.0 cm

At first, he had said "the further along you get I am putting you in full disability" until he saw my face! I said, "I have the TAC! I won't need bedrest, but I will take it easy". I have every faith in my God and the TAC so I am standing and saying that I will not need bedrest. I am walking by FAITH and not SIGHT!

Between him and the MFM, I will be seen weekly starting at 14 weeks.

So.... according to the informal u/s that was done, I am 7 weeks, 2 days today. Our next official u/s is on Friday (Sept 24) where we will get a more accurate date and beginning CL check.

My husband is also driving me crazy! He checks my temp everyday and demands that I call him to inspect the tp every time I pee. now he's the tp watcher -ha!

So, right now we are just hanging out around the commode waiting for something exciting to happen! I have tried everything! Sea bands (work when they want to), jolly.ranchers (leave a nasty taste in my mouth), sal.tine crackers (leaves my mouth dry), and now we are trying ginger tea.

On the job front..... still nothing yet, but we are not panicking. God has something in store and as anxious as we are to see what it is (because you know, me being a literal person and all), we have to remind ourselves that all in his timing, not ours.

I asked the dh the other day, "why did he choose for us to go through this now?" We have no answer yet, but we are holding on and believing something miraculous is about to take place in our lives. Please continue to lift us up in prayer as we do the same for you.

Awaiting my expected end.

Thanks

2010-09-06T10:16:00.000-04:00

A HUGE thank you for all the kind comments, stories, and prayers. Some of the comments I really needed to hear!

As I re-read the post, I realize that I sound somewhat ungrateful, and I hope no one was offended. I know many of you are still trying and I pray that God fulfill the desires of your heart.

So many of you have reached out to me and have checked up on me. All the texts, chats, posts, and emails are greatly appreciated.

The shock has not worn off. I am still scared (but oddly enough, not about losing another child). I am scared because I have no control over what the next few months will bring. I am scared to tell my family (more scared to tell my step-mother). My sisters are awesome and I know they will encourage me and let me know all will be well, but I know they will be shocked as well. My step-mother is quite opinionated and she is the one I fear the most.

This is not supposed to happen this way. I am supposed to be finished with school, my husband is supposed to have a great job, we are supposed to be in a new house, our savings should be overflowing before we have another child. Someone reminded me of the saying "If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans". Well he sure is laughing now!

Some of you made suggestions that were great, but not for me. I am very independent. I have never asked anyone for financial help and will find it hard to start now. I bought my condo myself, furnished my home by myself, paid for school myself (with the help of robber baron Sall.ie Ma.e) we paid for our wedding ourselves, and I have always prided myself on being able to do it all by myself, and cannot imagine even asking for anyone, not even family for financial help. The suggestions were appreciated though. :-)

The funny thing is, when I had it all together, I could not stay pregnant, and now that I don't have it all together......... Someday I will reread this post and laugh. But for now, laughter is nowhere near.

I have no idea how far I am exactly, but based on my calculations, I am probably 5 weeks and some days, and have made an appointment for Friday. I am nervous, scared, shaking in my boots...... the whole nine yards. I have my moments of calm and my moments of panic.

This really is bad timing, but when I check the dates, the timing is good. My only fear is bedrest. I am not claiming it and I have to remind myself that I have the TAC so the chances of bedrest is slim. My danger zone is right over Christmas break, and my due date would be around the beginning of May. I also have great disability which because of this due date would allow me to get paid until the beginning of August, if bedrest does not become a factor. I know it wont because of the promises I have already gotten.

For the past few weeks, our church has been experiencing revival. A few weeks ago, a visiting minister came and prophesied into Larry's life. She said to him "no more death" and that to continue trusting because everything will be well, and will work out to our benefit. This was from someone who knows nothing about us and does not even live in the United States.

Three weeks ago, during that revival, an older mother of the church came to me and prophesied into my life. She said to "stick by your husband and God is going to give us the thing we desire the most". I received it, thanked God for it and moved on. No one knows we were seeing a counselor, and everyone thought we were done trying for children. I told Larry later that night, and said yea, in a few years when we are ready everything will be alright because of his words. I NEVER thought it would be this soon!

I have also had this recurring dream about September, more specifically September 13th. In May, I made the following note on my calendar under September 13th: "something phenomenal"? I am now hoping something awesome happens on that date!

God has also been inadvertently preparing us these past few months as well. After Larry lost his job, we used some of our savings to pay off our three major bills, and are able to save even more per months off of one salary.

So for right now, we have a *plan* and I use this term loosely, because our plans are not God's plans and this is evidence enough. The plan is to save a much as possible over the next nine months. We can save up to $1,000 monthly, and if we continue to be really frugal (which thank heavens I am quite good at!) even more. The job search is now on again full force! Larry is once again making some follow-up calls so please pray for him this week that he gets a job.

Someone asked me this question, "if your husband were working, would you be happy about this pregnancy?" Absolutely! The unemployment is my only hang-up.

I have lamented over the past few months about when we will re-start our family and how things keep happening to push us back, but I had accepted it, and now this. We never planned this, but if this is what God has allowed to happen (and I still don't know how-unless it was some superman swimmies hanging around for a whole week and a half), then we must accept it and trust that he will see us through.

I ask that you all continue to pray for us, more specifically for peace of mind, provisions, and a healthy, safe, and uneventful pregnancy.

Awaiting my expected end.

FREAKING OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-09-01T07:57:00.000-04:00

I have 3 minutes before the bell rings......
I stopped by the pharmacy on the way to work this morning because AF had not shown up (today is cycle day 32). AF came on Aug 1st, and ovulation happened on the 14th. We did nothing from the 12th to the 16th. I took the test the minute I walked in the classroom and left to check my mailbox all the while thinking it was going to be nothing. No such luck.

How the heck did this happen????? I have been so careful the past 13 months. I can pinpoint my ovulation day to the second. We avoid "doing the deed" until the danger zone has passed (at least thats what I label it).
I am freaking out and trying to compose myself, all to no avail and my first round of students come in in 2 minutes.....

I can hear the voices of my family members right now...."How did you let the happen? What were you thinking? Are you stupid? Your's husband's not working!"

Please no congratulations. I am back in school, my husband is not working, I am working extra hours..... it is such a bad time. How the hell did this happen.

Please again, no congratulations and no mention of this on face.book. Tears are streaming down my face and fear is now in my heart. I have no idea what the future holds......

What the heck is happening with my life?????

(please ignore any spelling errors. I am simply not functioning right now. How am I going to teach effectively today?)

New Introduction

2010-08-28T19:58:00.000-04:00

Hey ladies! (and gents?)

Thanks for the wonderful comments on the last post. It's nice to know that I am not the only one addicted to romance novels - I love happy endings!

Off the top of my head, the books that spoke about loss are: Some.thing Real by J.J Murray (a man!), Lisa Mu.rray was the other author (I forgot the title) and I have to remember where I put the other books.

The first week back is down and it was successful! Hallelujah! They finally hired anther ESE teacher (full time) so my class load of 84 students has been cut in half. I actually have a lunch and and planning now. Lovely! I am excited for what this year holds.

I am also back in school (again-I am a life-long learner - I love learning) and one of the classes I am taking for my phD is quite unique. It deals with handling the marginal teacher as well as teachers who are angry, troubled exhausted, and just plain confused (the actual title of the class and book). In the first class, the professor asked us to take out two things out of our pocketbooks or wallets that best describe us and will let everyone know something about us that is not visible. I struggled with this simple activity because what I really wanted others to know, I was scared how it might be taken. After going back and forth, I finally gave in to that small voice.

I took out my umbrella - because you know I am always prepared :-), and I took out the little album I walk around with. My introduction was "this precious album best describes me because I am an angel mom." That's when the round of questions started. "what's an angel mom?" "is it a club?" I was only too happy to explain. After I explained I felt........ satisfied. I educated a whole classroom! Even if I only glossed over the details, I left those other professionals with something they did not know before. So the next time they hear someone say "I am an angel mom", their response will be; "I am so sorry."

Awaiting my expected end.

Even in my addictions....

2010-08-22T15:29:00.000-04:00

I have a confession to make....... I am addicted to romance novels. Yes, it's true. I have a secret affair with romance novels that only my close family knows about (shame faced). I don't read these novels in public in fact, I read in my bedroom or on the porch
And while I am reading, Larry dare not bother me! In the past few weeks, I have read three books where pregnancy loss is mentioned. One character had two early miscarriages, one second trimester loss, and a stillbirth. The last baby was carried while on hospital bedrest, was delivered by c-section, and lived for a few minutes after birth. The reason: problems with the placenta. Another character experienced 4 miscarriages for reasons unknown. Another character had infertility treatments, one miscarriage, and one second trimester loss at 5 months after which the dr advised surrogacy or adoption. The loss at 5 months was due to IC. In this book the author described the agony the mother felt as she was miscarrying. The hopelessness, the guilt, the shame..... All the emotions we have all gone through. Of course, all these women had happy endings, but the story line itself stayed with me for days.... It makes me wonder why the authors came up with these story lines? Is it from personal experience? What would make them use such a taboo subject as part of a story line? It seems as if everywhere I turn, infertility, pregnancy and infant loss are being made aware. I shudder to think all the women (and some men) who just gloss over these story lines. Have they always been used an I have just never paid attention? Or is this something new as these things are more prevalent?

Awaiting my expected end.

2010-08-19T19:36:00.000-04:00

Psalm 71:14

But I will hope continually, and will yet praise thee more and more.

Awaiting my expected end.

2010-08-16T21:05:00.000-04:00

Hey gang!

I am behind on blogging, reading, commenting...... the whole nine yards. The first few days back are usually crazy! Be back in a few to catch up!

Awaiting my expected end.

A Little Bit of This, A Little Bit of That.......

2010-08-04T20:30:00.000-04:00

Hi gang!

I am overwhelmed by all the love and kind words. You are all wonderful. Yes, as stated earlier, SIL #2 is expecting (5 weeks to be exact) and SIL #1 is due with a boy next month. At least SIL #1 was considerate enough to call and tell hubby before posting it on face.book. It made the shock a little less severe knowing it before hand.

I don't know what it is, but I rejoice when BLM and women who struggle to conceive get their BFP, but I have a hard time hearing this sort of news from those around me. Hmmmmmm...... It seems pregnant women are all around me! My spin instructor is expecting, 2 more women in my spin class are expecting (by the way, have you ever seen a heavily pregnant woman on a spin bike? Is that even safe? Keep in mind it is an advanced spin class. Oh and the irony. Here some of us are afraid to move, to sneeze, to cough, and these women are cycling at 85-100 rmp- how easy do they have it?), my SIL's are expecting..... I keep asking -whose next?

I cannot believe August is here and in less than 2 weeks I go back to work. I am a bit disappointed in myself because I did not blog as much as I wanted to. I have been reading and commenting, but during the summer a wave of laziness seems to consume me :-).

I am grateful that I still have a job when many do not, so I am actually looking forward to going back to work. Every year I vow to be a better teacher than I was the year before and this year is no different. I pray that I am a little more patient, a little more encouraging, a little more creative. I know I am going in a year older, and much wiser than the previous school year. I am now an expert at avoiding the pregnant women at work and I am going to work even harder to avoid them. The elementary school that I work at seems to be a haven for pregnant women (there is just something in the water). Every year there is at least 5 -6 that are expecting. That, I am not looking forward to.

The counseling is going great. Hubby and I are expressing our feelings more, and trying to see every "issue" from the other perspective. The counselor is great, and more importantly she is a christian counselor that reminds us of His teachings and promises for us.

Hubby still has not found a job, but it is not for a lack of trying! There is a shortage of jobs in S. Flor.ida, but we still have faith that God will provide a job that aligns with His will for Larry. Please keep him in prayer because as many of you may know, it is tough being unemployed. Especially for a man who is used to working. This particular trial has the potential to make one depressed, lowers your self-concept, and so on. So please when you enter that secret place with our Savior, please utter Larry's name. It will be greatly appreciated!

The good news is that he starts school on Monday!!!!!! Yea!!!!!!! I am so proud of him for taking that step. I have encouraged (more like nagged) him for years to go back to school. I have said over and over that many more doors will open for him, and I thank God for what he is doing. I know for a fact that as long as he was working for that particular company that he would not have gone to school, so I thank God that there is a reason and a purpose for every thing that happens, no matter how disappointed we are or how much we disagree.

Please continue to pray for victory for all those who are TTC, those who are pregnant with their rainbow baby, those who have recently had their rainbow baby, and those with recent losses. We know that having another child does not replace the pain or take away the worry, but with all of us banding together and praying, minds will be kept at ease and peace will reign in hearts. There is strength in numbers and if we all "touch" and agree, marvelous things will happen.

Awaiting my expected end.

2010-07-28T18:43:00.000-04:00

I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry......... I WILL NOT CRY!

Dang it - I just did. SIL #2 is pregnant. Life is so freaking unfair sometimes.

Awaiting my expected end.

Happy Angelversary my Sweet....

2010-07-25T04:00:00.000-04:00

My darling Evan,

Wow! A year has passed and I can't believe it. It is so hard to imagine that this time last year I had to say goodbye before I even go to say hello. Baby I want you to know that your passing was not in vain. Mommy and daddy are doing

everything to honor your name and make sure that your time with us mattered. Please know that we wanted you and would have done everything in our powers to give you a fighting chance.

I am glad your big sister was there to usher you in and I know your are enjoying spending time with all your friends.

We love and miss you baby boy. Not a day goes by that you don't cross our minds and our hearts. We often think of the day that we will see you again, perfect and whole. Happy angelversary my darling and know that you are missed the same today as you were last year.

Evan George Wise - 07/25/2009

Perfect feet.

Here are a few mementos I have received over the past year honoring his life.

Awaiting my expected end.

Oh Death, Where is thy Sting? Oh Grave, Where is thy Victory?

2010-07-24T10:53:00.000-04:00

On July 24th, 2010, I received some devastating news. To go back over the specifics will shatter my already fragile heart. I find it hard to voluntary bring to memory the events that took place that day because I will fall apart completely. If you want to read the specifics, simply refer to this post.
I titled this post "Oh Death, Where is thy Sting, Oh Grave,Where is thy Victory?" because I will not allow death to win. Though it hurts (and it hurts oh so much) I refuse to give in to death and let it win. This is why I blog. This is why I encourage and give support. Because I do not want my children's passing to be in vain.

Though Evan on this day, We do not celebrate this day. This day is a day of death to us and we choose to celebrate the day that we met. The day that we got to hold him close to our hearts, inspect his perfect features, kiss him, caress him, tell him we loved him.

Despite the sadness of this day, I pray for the Dr.'s that treated us. I pray that they have learned some good bedside manners, I pray tht they listen to their patients more, I pray that they don't treat every patient the same, I pray that Evan's life touched them, I pray that they be more sensitive.
So though this day is not easy to face and there are a gamut of emotions that we are experiencing, we continue to honor the memory of our son, and make sure to remind others that HIS LIFE MATTERED.

Awaiting our expected end.

26

2010-07-22T22:31:00.000-04:00

Today is my 26th birthday. I never thought in my 26 years on this earth that I would know so much loss, pain, heartache. Despite these hard emotions, I never thought I would know so much love. Love from children, family, and strangers (though we are no longer strangers :-0).

I was adamant that I would not be celebrating my birthday this year because of all the emotions that accompany this day. Last year, I spent part of my birthday in the hospital and the other half at home. I was so distraught and worried that I did not want anyone to visit or call. To put it bluntly, my birthday last year sucked.

Well my husband was determined to make up for last year and stated (more like demanded) quite passionately that we would be celebrating my birthday. Now, I am glad I did. Celebrating this day helped me to take my focus off the emotional day that is right around the corner. It reminded me that I should enjoy the happiness before the wave of sadness hits.

The day started off with a wonderful gift from Larry and a breakfast party from a few of my co-workers. I went to work ou

t and then just got back in from having dinner with my husband. Overall I can say the day was good and I want to chronicle it before "new" grief comes out in the coming days.

Thanks for your wonderful comments and for all your support during his difficult time.

07/22/2010 - 10 lbs lighter and much wiser.

Awaiting my expected end.

The flashbacks have started.....

2010-07-21T16:19:00.000-04:00

On July 21st, 2009 we went to visit the MFM for what was a routine appointment. Though we were nervous, we KNEW that everything was well. We got to see our sweet little boy and a cervix that was still measuring 3.5 cm and was closed. When I told him the *dildo" hurt, his exact words "thats not good". Imagine our surprise when the look of shock came over the Dr.'s face as he applied pressure to my stomach. With tears streaming down our faces, we were rushed to the operating room at the hospital a few miles away and an emergency cerclage done (replacing the failed one). I remember the callousness of the Dr. who performed the rescue procedure and her bluntness. I remember telling her (after she said it won't work) that if she thinks its not going to work, why do it? Why risk infection?" I remember her shrugging her shoulders and demanding if I wanted her to "do it or not?".

I remember shaking so badly (because I was so hysterical) that two nurses had to hold me still while the spinal was being done. I remember that awful Dr. leaving the OR, and remember crying out to the nurse "did she say anything about antibiotics? The Dr. wants me on antibiotics!" I remember the sweet nurse who was rubbing my brow during the entire ordeal rushing out to catch the Dr. and coming back in with orders for antibiotics to be administered.

I remember being wheeled to the L&D floor......... I remember being so frightened that I could not eat, sleep, talk. I remember getting up to pee and hearing a plop in the toilet. When I asked the nurse on duty if it could be my mucus plug, she said no "its just tissue from the new cerclage being done".

I remember crying all night......I remember begging God......I remember vowing to my husband that I will carry this baby to term....... I remember e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g...... even though I don't want to.

The memories are hard. The flashbacks even harder. I am transported back to that day....to that appointment....to that OR.....to that hospital room.... to that day........ and my heart breaks into a million pieces again. I did EVERYTHING in my power and it. did. not. work.

On this day last year, I had no idea I would be holding another baby that would never see his mothers or fathers face.

Today....this emotional day...the day that started it all..... makes me ask myself- what if it happens again?

Awaiting my expected end.

Joshua 1

2010-07-19T23:11:00.000-04:00

King James Version

Joshua 1

1Now after the death of Moses the servant of the LORD it came to pass, that the LORD spake unto Joshua the son of Nun, Moses' minister, saying,

2Moses my servant is dead; now therefore arise, go over THIS Jordan, thou, and all this people, unto the land which I do give to them, even to the children of Israel.

3Every place that the sole of your foot shall tread upon, that have I given unto you, as I said unto Moses.

4From the wilderness and this Lebanon even unto the great river, the river Euphrates, all the land of the Hittites, and unto the great sea toward the going down of the sun, shall be your coast.

5There shall not any man be able to stand before thee all the days of thy life: as I was with Moses, so I will be with thee: I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.

6Be strong and of a good courage: for unto this people shalt thou divide for an inheritance the land, which I sware unto their fathers to give them.

7Only be thou strong and very courageous, that thou mayest observe to do according to all the law, which Moses my servant commanded thee: turn not from it to the right hand or to the left, that thou mayest prosper withersoever thou goest.

8This book of the law shall not depart out of thy mouth; but thou shalt meditate therein day and night, that thou mayest observe to do according to all that is written therein: for then thou shalt make thy way prosperous, and then thou shalt have GOOD success.

9Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.

10Then Joshua commanded the officers of the people, saying,

11Pass through the host, and command the people, saying, Prepare you victuals; for within three days ye shall pass over this Jordan, to go in to possess the land, which the LORD your God giveth you to possess it.

Awaiting my expected end.

Let me introduce myself to you....

2010-07-13T14:25:00.000-04:00

Hi! My name is Marie, and I am a child of God. More importantly, I am a friend of God.

For days now I have been rewriting this post and battling with whether or not I should post it. I know this post will not get a lot of comments, or it may even just get a cursory glance, and that is fine with me. If I can reach one person, then my heart will be content.

Let me first start off by saying, that I will NEVER force my beliefs on anyone of you. I understand that we all come from different backgrounds and differing faith systems. This blog is a chronicle of my life as well as a mini ministry that I hope by sharing my experiences, someone else can be blessed.
Lately I have been seeing a lot of people denounce their faith or come clean that they are not believers. I am not here to preach at anyone, or condemn anyone, I am simply speaking for myself. I am sure you all know the horrific things that I have been through, and if anyone has a right to denounce God, some will say why not Marie?
When I read a blog about someone not believing (and again, I reiterate that I respect everyone and their beliefs or lack thereof), I do not comment on that particular post. Simply because I will NEVER force someone to believe or push my faith on anyone. I simply whisper a prayer for peace in their hearts. I don't pray for God to make them believe, I don't delete them from my reader, I don't stop commenting, I don't stop giving them virtual hugs or support, I just pray for peace in their hearts. Not believing is a personal decision, and I never want to be accused of being a bigot.

I am a child of God. It's not easy, but I love my Savior with an agape love. I cry, I pray, I ache, I get mad, I storm the heavens, I questions God, I second guess myself. But who doesn't do that in any relationship? My relationship with Christ is a personal one. Do I thank him for taking my babies? Absolutely NOT! Do I always understand his ways? Absolutely NOT!
My faith was never always strong. Though I accepted the Lord as my personal Savior at 11 years old, I really did not start truly walking with him until I was 17 years old. I come from a family whose belief was rigid. No pants, no make-up, no jewelry, women had to wear hats in church and so on. This rigidity deterred many and they left the faith for "brighter and better" things. These are the things that stopped me from fully committing. It felt as if, these things were being pushed at us, and no us having any conviction and coming to the decision by ourselves with gentle guidance. At 17, when I really started walking with Christ, I still did not get it, but I sure tried. :-)
As time passed, and that relationship got stronger, I understood a little more.

Now as I approach the dawn of 26, I still don't fully understand his ways or his plans for me. But, I have developed a trust that allows me to be somewhat at peace when things come my way. I'm not saying that I ask for trials and tribulations to come my way (who wants that?), but I believe in the scripture that says he will bring me forth as pure gold. I will say it again, it is definitely not easy trusting wholeheartedly, but I try my best and when I find my faith faltering, I say it out loud ; "I trust you Lord".
I still choose to believe (and it IS a choice) because of hope. That hope that the next pregnancy will go well, that hope that my husband will find a job, that hope that this world cannot be all evil and full of heartaches, I hold on to the hope so many before me had, and the hope that the scriptures so often remind me of.
I believe because of the blessings I have. I believe because I see the sun every morning, feel the gentle breeze, the clouds, the moon, the stars, the many blessings I do have. So many things increase my faith. I believe because he shows up on time and blesses me abundantly.

Believing is a choice. Faith is a choice. I choose to believe. Just like it is your choice to not believe. I want my life to be an example to someone. I want despite my shortcomings, despite the loss of my children, for someone to say, God is good.

The experiences in our lives shape our belief systems. After losing two precious little ones, It was easy for me to say, there is no God. How can he be so cruel to rip my babies from my arms? But when I looked into Evan's and Alyssa-Joy's faces, I saw peace. I saw their perfect features. I knew then that this life was bigger than I was. I knew than that I had to keep believing. I had to keep believing for them, for my husband, for my father, for me. Believe me, I thought about it! But I could not bring myself to do it.

I will never shun someone because they do not believe and I hope no one received such a message in this post. It is a choice we all make, and you will still have my support. There is nothing I like less than so called Christians who condemn and judge. I simply pray for peace in your hearts and that whatever decisions you make results in peace.

In the last post, I mentioned a book that I found buried in the back of my closet. I don't know how it got there, who it came from, but I sure needed to hear the message the book had to deliver. Joshua by Joseph Girzone is about a man who did noting but good, who loved Christ, who loved people. He was a mystery to many, and his beliefs and opinions angered as many as who loved him. The town was split. Those who supported his opinions which led to their own discovery of God and his plans and those who felt he was a threat to their religions. This book had me question myself. Do I push my beliefs on others? Or do I simply communicate the love of Christ? You see, I want others to come to Christ off their own accord, not because they feel threatened. In the end of the book, I discovered that Joshua was in fact Jesus. Walking this earth as man and sharing the fathers love with those he met. Who else has an intimate knowledge of our father's plans but his own son? I found myself praying "Lord, please let me develop a Joshua spirit". It was a spirit of love, hope, humility.
One message that stood out to me was; God is not a phantom humans concoct to fix their imaginations on, but a real being present before him who responds to every thought and plea. Praying is as if enjoying a dialogue with a dear friend, with someone you love intensely, and someone you are intimately involved with, who controls circumstances, make decisions, even if you sometimes disagree. Real religion is in our hearts not buildings. Customs and practices and traditions can replace true service of God and become a real obstacle to real growth in the love of God.

My faith, my belief is a personal choice. So is yours.

Awaiting my expected end.

July - How are you here already????

2010-07-08T17:09:00.000-04:00

I cannot believe that it is already July. That means two things, summer is halfway done, and most importantly, it is a horrible reminder of the second time my heart crumbled into pieces. I lost it a few days ago. I cannot believe that Evan's 1st angelversary is fast approaching. July used to be a month I looked forward to simply because I was turning a year older and always celebrated my birthday in style. Now? I refuse to even mention that a birthday is coming up. I now have a love/hate relationship with this month. My birthday last year was horrid! I spent the day in the hospital after having a second emergency cerclage done, which of course ended up not working. I love getting the opportunity to cradle, stroke, kiss, and sing to my baby, but I hate knowing that he was born sleeping and the circumstances surrounding him being born so soon.
I find myself thinking what if I never developed an infection? What kind of baby would he be? What would we be doing right now? But I stop myself from going there because it is simply too painful.

I spent last Friday in a fetal position. To put it plainly, I bawled, howled, screamed, you name it, I did it. I am missing my babies so very much right now. I think of the unfairness of having experienced multiple traumatic losses and the process of grief that anyone who loses a child has to experience. It also does not help that I keep getting the crappy e-mail messages - "Hi! Your baby is 30 weeks old today!". Now matter how many times I unsubscribe, I still keep getting them! I am about to call the company and scream "my baby is dead!!!!" Stop sending me these e-mails!"

The reality of it being a year has also hit Larry. I see him cradling Evan's urn before I fall asleep. I see him staring at the horizon in deep thought, and just the other day I saw him kiss his urn and whisper, "I love you son." Let me tell you girls, my heart broke into pieces, knowing that I am the cause of his pain. My body failed his children, and the sad part? There was nothing I could do about it! I did everything the Dr.'s said to do and I still failed my children.
I know you will tell me it was not my fault, but my irrational mind cannot wrap itself around that fact. This body that I treasured, that I took care of, that I used to lovingly carry my children, simply gave way.

I am thinking of doing something special for Evan's angelversary. If you are led to do anything for my precious sweetheart on July 25th, please feel free to do so.

While I am battling this new wave of grief, my grief has intensified for my friends Shandrea and Deni. I am sure most of you have already heard that Shandrea gave birth to a beautiful baby boy Tristen Ryan, born too soon to survive, and sweet Deni is experiencing a failed adoption. Please join me in prayer for these sweet ladies who like all of you, have been a great source of support for me. Please pray that the Lord blankets them in love and that a peace that passes all understanding abides with them. Please pray that their expected end will be fulfilled soon.

I am reading a profoundly moving book titled Joshua by Joseph Girzone. In the next post, I will share with you a few words of wisdom the author penned. I was cleaning out my school closet (fellow teachers, you the one I am talking about! The one filled with books, paper,markers, crayons, lesson ideas, and so on. Yup! That one!) and stumbled across this book. I don' know how it got there or where it came from, but I sure needed the message that it had to deliver.

Please keep us in prayer, as I keep praying for you and taking your needs to our heavenly father.

Awaiting my expected end.

Testing Time is Trusting Time

2010-06-29T20:40:00.000-04:00

Thank you so much for the wonderful comments. My sister was amazed at the fact that I shared something so personal with the blogverse. To tell you the truth, the reason I shared something so personal is to show that my life is far from perfect. Many times my readers tell me that I am inspiration (even though I don't consider myself to be) and that I seem to always be positive. I never want to paint my life as "perfect". I make mistakes, I say the wrong things, I struggle with my grief, I ask why. By exposing the very intimate details of my life allows others to be a blessing to me. I have learned through sharing this that I am not the only one with in-law drama. Thank you so much for allowing me to share every part of my life with you - both the good and the bad.

I seems as though lately everything has been going wrong, that obstacles keep popping up. Again, I refer to the statement one blogger made; the devil is running interference. I struggled with the insurance company approving the TAC with Dr. Dav.is, finding Dr. Charl.es (and we knew how that turned out), meeting Dr. Yas.in who tried to convince me to do another TVC, postponing and canceling the TAC, finally getting it done, to hubby being terminated, to now this latest fiasco. Every where I turn there is a roadblock. Now moving has been put off, as well as TTCing. I can't seem to catch a break! But I am not going to sit here and let the devil glorify in my mess, I am going to fight to keep the faith and trust God wholeheartedly!
I am being tested and tried on every end, but it is in times like these that I MUST trust my creator. I think of Job who NEVER lost his faith! Even when his wife begged him to curse God and die - he refused! Oh to have even a measure of trust that Job had! Though he lost everything (his babies, his riches, his servants, his wife) he never wavered. In fact he trusted God even more.
My trust flickers from day to day. Some days its strong and I go around confident that he is about to show out, and some days that small flicker of fear shines through. In spite of it all, I must say he is a faithful provider. Bills are still paid, food is still on the table, we are still able to enjoy life with our friends on a small and distanced budget of course!), and thats more than enough. Many are in a worse situation and I will forever be grateful.
In this testing time, I am choosing to trust with my whole heart. I wont say it will be easy, but I am going to try my best.

There is a small percentage of us who have had multiple losses with the TVC on the Incompetent Cervix Support Boards. There are 4 of us who have gotten close because of our losses. Currently they are either pregnant or have had their little one. Only two of us are left. While I am happy for them, my heart breaks for me. I would love to be the one to make a pregnancy announcement, I would love to be the one to marvel at a growing belly. Again, I am happy for them because no one else is more deserving, but I feel bad for myself. Testing time is trusting time. I will trust in the plans he has for me. Obviously it is not the time for me (financial wise and relationship wise), but I am trusting in his plan.

Can you trust him to bring in your grain and gather it to your threshing floor? (Job 39:12)

They cried to you and were saved; in you they trusted and were not disappointed. (Psalm 22:5)

But I trust in you, O LORD; I say, "You are my God." (Psalm 31:14)

When I am afraid, I will trust in you. (Psalm 56:3)

I am asking for prayers for a few friends during their testing time. Deb has had her little warrior at 26 weeks (she is one of the 4). He is now 6 weeks old and is doing well. Deb has had two previous losses, the last one with a TVC in place. She went on to have a TAC, which brought her to viability. I know right now the NICU journey is not easy and baby Isaac has his ups and downs, but he is truly a warrior.
Pray for my friend Fawzia (no blog an another of the 4) who is currently 14 weeks pregnant with a TAC. She has also had two prior losses. Pray for her piece of mind during this time especially as upcoming milestones are reached.
Pray for my friend Alana who has recently had what is known as a chemical pregnancy. She suffers from secondary infertility and is trying to add to her family.
Pray for Courtney who recently lost another little boy, Wyatt River. A little over a year ago she lost her twin boys due to HELLP syndrome.
Pray for all the troubled, grieving hearts in blogverse that are having rough times paying their bills, in their marriages, with their pregnancies, pray for piece of mind during pregnancies and for safe deliveries.

While we pray for those in need, let us remember to rejoice with those who are about to deliver, have recently gotten a positive pregnancy test, have delivered, are currently pregnant or simply have a plan in place. While there seems to be an influx of sad news in blogverse, there is a barrage of good news as well.

When times get tough and you don't think that you can go on, simply repeat to yourself, that "testing time is trusting time". Thats what I will be doing.

Awaiting my expected end.

2010-06-27T19:01:00.000-04:00

Hello all! THANK YOU, THANk YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, for checking up on me, sending me sweet messages, words of encouragement, sending good thoughts and prayers my way.
Sorry for also "dropping off the face of the earth", but I honestly needed to go into prayer mode. I needed to reevaluate my life, thinking, relationships with my inlaws, and just make sure that I was not being selfish/dramatic/rash (whatever you want to call it).

I know I left a lot of you in the dark, but here is a brief history. Hubby and I started courting in 2005. Through our entire relationship, my MIL has disliked me. You think I am exaggerating? The woman did not even come to my wedding. The kicker? She saw us the day after the wedding in Tar.get getting last minute stuff for our honeymoon, and did not say "congratulations", "how are you doing", etc. She saw us, because I saw her watching us in the store and she never came over. After I pointed her out to hubby we went over to make small talk and she quickly frittered away.
Why does she not like me? According to her: "I'm too educated". What????? Does she know how hard I worked for my degrees? Does she know how hard I have pushed myself over the years? I will NEVER apologize for my education. She equates education with being "stuck up". My father left school at 8 grade to join the army, my husband has a high school diploma. For me to look down on others without a degree would make a hippocrite. I saw how my father struggled to raise the four of us (soldier by day, taxi cab driver by night), and vowed that I would never struggle as much as he did. My father also pushed us to go to college because he did not want us to struggle. Today all four of his children have college degrees. Now I have been nothing but kind to my MIL, but there comes a time when enough is enough. I get tired of making the first move only to be ignored or insulted. When I was in the hospital giving birth, she never showed up or called. Over the following days, not even a text message. When I was blissfully pregnant with Alyssa-Joy and was thinking ahead, hubby asked her if she would be able to watch her for 2 hours until I got off of work. Her response? " I am not watching anybody's child".

Every month, she needs something and who does she call? Larry. She has 4 other children, and she always calls Larry. This is a woman who gets alimony, disability, social security, and is still fairly young (56 years old). Every month, I bite my tongue and let him do. Sure, once in a while I will complain, but for the most part, I just grumble to myself in the shower. After all, aren't we our brother's keeper? Why not give away our hard earned money to someone who can't stand me for no reason at all. And yes, I know there are two sides to every story, but believe me when I say, I have done nothing to this woman.
Well, I finally said enough is enough. She called hubby again asking for money. What ticked me off, is she KNOWS he is not working, yet she still calls him when she has 4 other children (one of which who claims that she earns $2,000 weekly). I put my foot down and said no. I am tired of getting into fights with my husband over this woman. I had finally had enough. I will spare you the details, but it got ugly and we both said things that probably should not have been said.
The conclusion to the whole matter is that we will be seeing someone. Divorce is not an option for me. I have nothing against it, but my husband knew from day one that there would not be any divorce in this marriage. I made an appointment with a christian marriage counselor for this Wednesday to help us sort out/learn to deal with in-law interference. Someone put it well in a blogpost (sorry, I forgot who) - the devil is running interference, and it must come to a stop. My hope from speaking to this counselor is that he will see it from my perspective, and vice versa. I will keep you all updated.

So for now, I have cut her out of my life. I refuse to have toxic relationships! I am done making an effort, and will simply love her from afar.
Again, thank you for the prayers, comments, prayers and well wishes.

I am now officially on vacation! The last two weeks I have facilitating a grant funded program at work and now I am FREE!!!!! My goal for this summer is to clean/ de-clutter my house, and blog at least every other day.
Please continue to keep us in prayer.

Awaiting my expected end.

2010-06-17T14:46:00.000-04:00

Happy ever after was not meant to be. The inlaws won. They should be so happy now.

Awww boy...

2010-06-15T21:23:00.000-04:00

A friend has brought it to my attention that it has been over a week since I last posted. I am still here everyone! Wrapping up some stuff.....new post tomorrow.

Awaiting my expected end.

Cheated.....

2010-06-03T21:24:00.001-04:00

.......thats how I feel tonight.

Awaiting my expected end.

Follow-Up Appointment

2010-05-27T11:29:00.000-04:00

Last week I got a call back from the OB's office saying that they will not see me for the post OP because they will not get paid for it. After going back and forth with them I just said "stuff it" (not in so many words though). Even though my OB said to see him when the procedure was done, they still refused to honor my appointment.

I still needed to make sure that my incision was healing well, and that all was well, and there was no way I was going back to Gainesville just for a 5 minute appointment, so I made an appointment with my PCP.

Poor fellow, he knows nothing about TAC's so all he could do was look at the incision and say "its healing well!". I had no ultrasound because the tech had no clue what to look for, where to look, and so on. So here I still sit with no idea of what the TAC looks like inside me, where it is placed, how high, get a cervical length check, nothing. I sill have not received the transcript of the procedure nor the pics (and the Dr. is on vacation), so I am ALMOST tempted to call one of those independent facilities that do ultrasounds and have them see me, but with my luck, they probably have no idea what to look for either!

Thanks to all of you who still check up on me though. I am doing great! We are still not TTCing, but will meet with the MFM and OB sometime over the summer to come up with a plan for when we do start trying. I want to make sure that I am getting the best possible care during the next pregnancy and that every facet is covered and a plan in place.

In other exciting news ----------------------------8 more days of school left! Wheeeeeeeeee! I am excited to be able to sleep in (just a little) deep clean our house, organize the closets, shred, file, store, the whole nine yards. What an exciting summer it will be. :-)

And just because some of you asked, no my honey did not find a job yet. The dream job that he had applied for, he called and asked about the status of his application, and they let him know that right now there is a freeze on hiring but as soon as it is lifted, he will be getting a call for an interview.

I just know that call is coming soon. He had a dream Tuesday night and the Bible does state that in the last days....."young men shall dream dreams and see visions". I won't go into detail about the dream but when he was describing the dream, all I kept saying was "wait your turn". God is amazing. He is truly preparing us for something. I may get frustrated with him , but God is still up to something, and I cannot wait to see it come to fruition. He also sent confirmation through someone else. He went t to another church to see a visiting pastor, and the pastor sought him out after the service. The pastor said that there are 3 things he has been praying about, and she wanted him to know that they are about to come to pass. Now, he has never told anyone about these three specific things he has been praying about (not even me!), but for this perfect stranger to approach him and encourage him about these three things can only be confirmation for me. The three things? A healthy live baby :-), a great job, and financial security. I cannot wait to see what God has in store for us!>

Continue to keep us both in prayer,

Awaiting my expected end.