Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Testing Time is Trusting Time

Thank you so much for the wonderful comments. My sister was amazed at the fact that I shared something so personal with the blogverse. To tell you the truth, the reason I shared something so personal is to show that my life is far from perfect. Many times my readers tell me that I am inspiration (even though I don't consider myself to be) and that I seem to always be positive. I never want to paint my life as "perfect". I make mistakes, I say the wrong things, I struggle with my grief, I ask why. By exposing the very intimate details of my life allows others to be a blessing to me. I have learned through sharing this that I am not the only one with in-law drama. Thank you so much for allowing me to share every part of my life with you - both the good and the bad.

I seems as though lately everything has been going wrong, that obstacles keep popping up. Again, I refer to the statement one blogger made; the devil is running interference. I struggled with the insurance company approving the TAC with Dr. Dav.is, finding Dr. Charl.es (and we knew how that turned out), meeting Dr. Yas.in who tried to convince me to do another TVC, postponing and canceling the TAC, finally getting it done, to hubby being terminated, to now this latest fiasco. Every where I turn there is a roadblock. Now moving has been put off, as well as TTCing. I can't seem to catch a break! But I am not going to sit here and let the devil glorify in my mess, I am going to fight to keep the faith and trust God wholeheartedly!
I am being tested and tried on every end, but it is in times like these that I MUST trust my creator. I think of Job who NEVER lost his faith! Even when his wife begged him to curse God and die - he refused! Oh to have even a measure of trust that Job had! Though he lost everything (his babies, his riches, his servants, his wife) he never wavered. In fact he trusted God even more.
My trust flickers from day to day. Some days its strong and I go around confident that he is about to show out, and some days that small flicker of fear shines through. In spite of it all, I must say he is a faithful provider. Bills are still paid, food is still on the table, we are still able to enjoy life with our friends on a small and distanced budget of course!), and thats more than enough. Many are in a worse situation and I will forever be grateful.
In this testing time, I am choosing to trust with my whole heart. I wont say it will be easy, but I am going to try my best.

There is a small percentage of us who have had multiple losses with the TVC on the Incompetent Cervix Support Boards. There are 4 of us who have gotten close because of our losses. Currently they are either pregnant or have had their little one. Only two of us are left. While I am happy for them, my heart breaks for me. I would love to be the one to make a pregnancy announcement, I would love to be the one to marvel at a growing belly. Again, I am happy for them because no one else is more deserving, but I feel bad for myself. Testing time is trusting time. I will trust in the plans he has for me. Obviously it is not the time for me (financial wise and relationship wise), but I am trusting in his plan.

Can you trust him to bring in your grain and gather it to your threshing floor? (Job 39:12)

They cried to you and were saved; in you they trusted and were not disappointed. (Psalm 22:5)

But I trust in you, O LORD; I say, "You are my God." (Psalm 31:14)

When I am afraid, I will trust in you. (Psalm 56:3)

I am asking for prayers for a few friends during their testing time. Deb has had her little warrior at 26 weeks (she is one of the 4). He is now 6 weeks old and is doing well. Deb has had two previous losses, the last one with a TVC in place. She went on to have a TAC, which brought her to viability. I know right now the NICU journey is not easy and baby Isaac has his ups and downs, but he is truly a warrior.
Pray for my friend Fawzia (no blog an another of the 4) who is currently 14 weeks pregnant with a TAC. She has also had two prior losses. Pray for her piece of mind during this time especially as upcoming milestones are reached.
Pray for my friend Alana who has recently had what is known as a chemical pregnancy. She suffers from secondary infertility and is trying to add to her family.
Pray for Courtney who recently lost another little boy, Wyatt River. A little over a year ago she lost her twin boys due to HELLP syndrome.
Pray for all the troubled, grieving hearts in blogverse that are having rough times paying their bills, in their marriages, with their pregnancies, pray for piece of mind during pregnancies and for safe deliveries.

While we pray for those in need, let us remember to rejoice with those who are about to deliver, have recently gotten a positive pregnancy test, have delivered, are currently pregnant or simply have a plan in place. While there seems to be an influx of sad news in blogverse, there is a barrage of good news as well.

When times get tough and you don't think that you can go on, simply repeat to yourself, that "testing time is trusting time". Thats what I will be doing.

Awaiting my expected end.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Hello all! THANK YOU, THANk YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, for checking up on me, sending me sweet messages, words of encouragement, sending good thoughts and prayers my way.
Sorry for also "dropping off the face of the earth", but I honestly needed to go into prayer mode. I needed to reevaluate my life, thinking, relationships with my inlaws, and just make sure that I was not being selfish/dramatic/rash (whatever you want to call it).

I know I left a lot of you in the dark, but here is a brief history. Hubby and I started courting in 2005. Through our entire relationship, my MIL has disliked me. You think I am exaggerating? The woman did not even come to my wedding. The kicker? She saw us the day after the wedding in Tar.get getting last minute stuff for our honeymoon, and did not say "congratulations", "how are you doing", etc. She saw us, because I saw her watching us in the store and she never came over. After I pointed her out to hubby we went over to make small talk and she quickly frittered away.
Why does she not like me? According to her: "I'm too educated". What????? Does she know how hard I worked for my degrees? Does she know how hard I have pushed myself over the years? I will NEVER apologize for my education. She equates education with being "stuck up". My father left school at 8 grade to join the army, my husband has a high school diploma. For me to look down on others without a degree would make a hippocrite. I saw how my father struggled to raise the four of us (soldier by day, taxi cab driver by night), and vowed that I would never struggle as much as he did. My father also pushed us to go to college because he did not want us to struggle. Today all four of his children have college degrees. Now I have been nothing but kind to my MIL, but there comes a time when enough is enough. I get tired of making the first move only to be ignored or insulted. When I was in the hospital giving birth, she never showed up or called. Over the following days, not even a text message. When I was blissfully pregnant with Alyssa-Joy and was thinking ahead, hubby asked her if she would be able to watch her for 2 hours until I got off of work. Her response? " I am not watching anybody's child".

Every month, she needs something and who does she call? Larry. She has 4 other children, and she always calls Larry. This is a woman who gets alimony, disability, social security, and is still fairly young (56 years old). Every month, I bite my tongue and let him do. Sure, once in a while I will complain, but for the most part, I just grumble to myself in the shower. After all, aren't we our brother's keeper? Why not give away our hard earned money to someone who can't stand me for no reason at all. And yes, I know there are two sides to every story, but believe me when I say, I have done nothing to this woman.
Well, I finally said enough is enough. She called hubby again asking for money. What ticked me off, is she KNOWS he is not working, yet she still calls him when she has 4 other children (one of which who claims that she earns $2,000 weekly). I put my foot down and said no. I am tired of getting into fights with my husband over this woman. I had finally had enough. I will spare you the details, but it got ugly and we both said things that probably should not have been said.
The conclusion to the whole matter is that we will be seeing someone. Divorce is not an option for me. I have nothing against it, but my husband knew from day one that there would not be any divorce in this marriage. I made an appointment with a christian marriage counselor for this Wednesday to help us sort out/learn to deal with in-law interference. Someone put it well in a blogpost (sorry, I forgot who) - the devil is running interference, and it must come to a stop. My hope from speaking to this counselor is that he will see it from my perspective, and vice versa. I will keep you all updated.

So for now, I have cut her out of my life. I refuse to have toxic relationships! I am done making an effort, and will simply love her from afar.
Again, thank you for the prayers, comments, prayers and well wishes.

I am now officially on vacation! The last two weeks I have facilitating a grant funded program at work and now I am FREE!!!!! My goal for this summer is to clean/ de-clutter my house, and blog at least every other day.
Please continue to keep us in prayer.

Awaiting my expected end.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Happy ever after was not meant to be. The inlaws won. They should be so happy now.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Awww boy...

A friend has brought it to my attention that it has been over a week since I last posted. I am still here everyone! Wrapping up some stuff.....new post tomorrow.

Awaiting my expected end.

Thursday, June 3, 2010


.......thats how I feel tonight.

Awaiting my expected end.